Absurd Ditties. Farrow George Edward

      You may have met, when walking out

      or thereabout,

      A lady (angular and plain)

      Escorted by an ancient swain,

      Or, possibly, by two,

      Each leading by a piece of string

      A lazy, fat, and pampered thing

      Supposed to be a dog. You may,

      Perhaps, have noticed them, I say,

      And, if so, thought, "They do

      Present unto the public gaze

      A singular appearance – very."

      That lady, doubtless, was my aunt,

      Miss Betsy Jane Priscilla Perry.

      The gentleman – or gentlemen—

      Attending her were Captain Venne

      And Major Alec Stubbs. These two

      For many years had sought to woo

      My maiden aunt, Miss P.,

      Who never could make up her mind

      Which one to marry, so was kind

      To one or other – each in turn —

      Thus causing jealous pangs to burn.

      I incidentally

      Should mention here the quadrupeds —

      Respectively called "Popsey Petsey," —

      A mongrel pug; – and "Baby Heart," —

      A poodle – both belonged to Betsy.

      You'd notice Captain Venne was tall,

      And Major Stubbs compact and small;

      These two on nought could e'er agree,

      Except in this – they hated me,

      Sole nephew to Aunt Bess.

      My aunt was very wealthy, and

      I think you'll quickly understand

      The situation, when I say

      That Captain Venne was on half-pay,

      And Major Stubbs on less.

      To me it was so very plain

      And evident, I thought it funny

      My aunt should never, never see

      They wanted, not her, but her money.

      And Stubbs and Venne they did arrange

      A plan, intended to estrange

      My aunt and me. They told her lies;

      And one day, to my great surprise,

      A letter came for me.

      Requesting me to "call at six,"

      For aunt had "heard of all the tricks

      I had been up to," and "was sad

      At hearing an account so bad."

      I went – in time for tea.

      My aunt was looking so severe

      I felt confused, a perfect noodle

      While Major Stubbs caressed the pug,

      And Captain Venne he nursed the poodle.

      "Dear Major Stubbs," my aunt began,

      "Has told me all – quite all he can—

      Of your sad goings on. Oh, fie!

      Where will you go to when you die,

      You naughty wicked boy?"

      And Captain Venne has told me too

      What very dreadful things you do.

      Of course I cannot but believe

      My two dear friends. They'd not deceive,

      Nor characters destroy,

      Without a cause. Go, leave me now,

      You'll see my purpose shall not falter

      I'll send at once for Lawyer Slymm,

      My latest will to bring and alter."

      I fear I lost my temper – quite;

      I know I said what wasn't right;

      You see, I felt it hard to bear

      (And really, I contend, unfair),

      To be misjudged like this.

      I tried to argue, but 'twas vain,

      "My mind is fixed – my way is plain,"

      My aunt declared. "Then hear me now!"

      I hotly cried, "There's naught, I vow,

      To cause you to dismiss

      Your nephew thus, but, as you please.

      And if, perchance, you wish to do it,

      Your money leave to your two friends;

      They want it, and – they're welcome to it."

      I