Absurd Ditties. Farrow George Edward
hurried out. I slammed the door.
I vowed I'd never call there more.
And neither did I, in my pride,
Till six weeks since, when poor aunt died,
And then, from Lawyer Slymm
I got a little note, which said:
"The will on Tuesday will be read."
I went, and found that "Baby Heart"
From Captain Venne must ne'er depart —
She had been left to him;
While "Popsey Petsey" Major Stubbs
Received as his sole legacy
And that was all. The money – oh!
The money – that was left to me.
VIII
THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN
Of all the schools throughout the land
St. Vedast's is the oldest, and
All men are proud
(And justly proud)
Who claim St. Vedast's as their Al-
Ma mater. There I went a cal-
Low youth. Don't think I'm going to paint
The glories of this school – I ain't.
The Rev. Cecil Rowe, M.A.,
Was classics Master in my day,
A learned man
(A worthy man)
In fact you'd very rarely see
A much more clever man than he.
But if you think you'll hear a lot
About this person, – you will not.
The porter was a man named Clarke;
We boys considered it a lark
To play him tricks
(The usual tricks
Boys play at public schools like this),
And Clarke would sometimes take amiss
These tricks. But don't think I would go
And only sing of him. Oh, no!
This ditty, I would beg to state,
Professes likewise to relate
The latter words
(The solemn words)
Of her who kept the tuck-shop at
St. Vedast's. I'd inform you that
The porter was her only son
(The reason was – she had but one).
For many years the worthy soul
Had kept the shop – the well-loved goal
Of little boys
(And larger boys)
Who bought the tarts, and ginger pop
And other things sold at her shop —
But, feebler growing year by year,
She felt her end was drawing near.
She therefore bade her son attend,
That she might whisper, ere her end,
A startling tale
(A secret tale)
That on her happiness had preyed,
And heavy on her conscience weighed
For many a year. "Alas! my son,"
She sighed, "injustice has been done.
"Let not your bitter anger rise,
Nor gaze with sad reproachful eyes
On one who's been
(You know I've been)
For many years your mother, dear;
And though you think my story queer,
Believe – or I shall feel distressed —
I thought I acted for the best.
"When you were but a tiny boy
(Your mother's and your father's joy),
Good Mr. Rowe
(The Revd. Rowe)
Was but a little baby too,
Who very much resembled you,
And, being poorly off in purse,
I took this baby out to nurse.
"Alike in features and in size —
So like, indeed, the keenest eyes
Would find it hard
(Extremely hard)
To tell the t'other from the one – "
"Hold! though your tale is but begun,"
The porter cried, "a man may guess
The secret of your keen distress.
"You changed the babes at nurse, and I
(No wonder that you weep and sigh),
Tho' callèd Clarke
(School Porter Clarke),
Am really Mr. Rowe. I see.
And he, of course, poor man, is me,
While all the fortune he has known
Through these long years should be my own.
"Oh falsely, falsely, have you done
To call me all this time your son;
I've always felt
(Distinctly felt)
That I was born to better things
Than portering, and such-like, brings,
I'll hurry now, and tell poor Rowe
What, doubtless, he will feel a blow."
"Stay! stay!" the woman cried, "'tis true,
My poor ill-treated boy, that you
Have every right
(Undoubted right)
To feel aggrieved. I had the chance
Your future welfare to advance
By changing babes. I knew I'd rue it,
My poor boy – but —I didn't do it."
IX
THAT OF S. P. IDERS WEBBE, SOLICITOR
Young Mr. S. P. Iders Webbe,
Solicitor, of Clifford's Inn,
Sat working in his chambers, which
Were far removed from traffic's din.
To those in legal trouble he
Lent ready ear of sympathy —
And six-and-eightpence was his fee.
To widows and to orphans, too,
Young Mr. Webbe was very nice,
And turned none from his door away
Who came to seek for his advice:
To these, I humbly beg to state —
The sad and the disconsolate —
His fee was merely six-and-eight.
He'd heave a sympathetic sigh,
And squeeze each bankrupt client's hand
While listening to a tale of woe
Salt