The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By. Ellen Fein
accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday”).
Suddenly, The Rules was everywhere! A financial publication ran an article on the rules for investing (“Don’t buy on Friday if your broker calls after Wednesday”) and a political columnist wrote that one presidential candidate might have won the election if he had just tried to be a “creature unlike any other.”
Why all the fuss? Why all the interest in The Rules when there are dozens of other dating books on the market? Why has The Rules become such a phenomenon?
The answer is simple: The Rules work! Unlike other dating books that are therapeutic and theoretical—that sound good, that give warm ’n fuzzy, meaningless, and misleading advice such as be yourself, don’t play games, tell a man how you feel, but don’t work in real life—The Rules tell the truth about dating and help you get Mr. Right!
The Rules take the analysis and angst out of dating. It’s simple. If he calls you, he likes you. If he doesn’t, Next! What does be yourself mean if that’s calling a man three times a day or staying on the phone for three hours? Why would anyone want to read a dating book that didn’t help you get the man you want to marry you?
Many people ask how we wrote a best-seller. To be honest, we were not trying to. We wrote The Rules to help women date with self-esteem and get married. Period.
While we are naturally thrilled by the success of the book, what’s been even more rewarding is seeing how women of all ages and all walks of life use The Rules to love themselves and marry Mr. Right. After three decades of haphazard dating—dutch treat, sex on the first date, and living together—these women are delighted that such a dating book exists.
“I wish I had known about The Rules ten years ago,” is the most frequent comment we hear.
“The Rules should be given out to all women at birth,” wrote another Rules fan.
The book hit a chord not only with single women in their twenties, thirties, and forties, but with mothers and grandmothers. “She won’t listen to me, maybe she’ll listen to you,” wrote one mom. Another mom told us she gave the book to her daughter and her daughter’s friends.
While many readers thanked us for the general guidelines provided in The Rules, just as many wrote and called asking for more specific answers to dating situations and problems—for example, rules for long-distance relationships, rules for getting back an ex-boyfriend, rules for dating a celebrity, rules for dating a coworker, rules for turning a male friend into a boyfriend, rules for dating services and on-line dating, and for advice on how to start a Rules support group, among many other topics.
We wrote The Rules II to answer all these questions—and to clarify any confusion you might have about rules in the first book, such as, “How will he know the real me if I do The Rules?” and “Can I ever call a man?”
We have included some success stories in The Rules II that we hope will inspire you to do The Rules. We hope to publish many more—perhaps yours!—in the future.
We look forward to your comments, questions, success stories, and wedding invitations!
Ellen and Sherrie
Why do The Rules work?
Because The Rules are based upon the basic truths of human nature! Everyone wishes we could be more open and honest with men in the early stages of dating or ask men out, but these wishes are pure fantasy. To think men and women should treat each other exactly alike, as platonic friends do—dutch treat, even steven, tit for tat—is unrealistic. In the romantic world, there’s only one way that truly works. The man must be attracted to and then pursue the woman. It simply doesn’t work any other way.
That doesn’t mean we have to like it. Even we didn’t want The Rules to be true. Who wants it to be true that a man’s attraction to us doesn’t grow? Who wants it to be true that a man might lose interest if we’re too aggressive, too needy, or too predictable?
Everyone wishes certain things were different from what they are. Who wants war, crime, or bitter cold weather? Who wants to diet and exercise? Wouldn’t it be great if we could eat whatever we wanted, whenever we felt like it and still be slim, fit, and have perfect thighs?
Rules girls are realists. They accept that men and women are different and act accordingly. They don’t always like to do The Rules, but they do them anyway because they love the results.
Of course, as popular as The Rules has become, it has also been the subject of controversy—mostly by the media and the authors of other dating books, not by women who simply want advice about men. They just want to get married!
The Rules have been criticized for being old-fashioned and antifeminist, and for encouraging women to play games and get married at any cost (“get the ring”). We would like to examine these criticisms one by one and explain why they are unfounded.
Old-fashioned? Not really. While The Rules may sound like something your mother may have told you about, times and circumstances have completely changed. Women in the ’90s need The Rules—not because pursuing men is morally wrong or scandalous, or any of the reasons your mother may have told you. No, The Rules tell us not to pursue men for one simple reason. It doesn’t work!
Fifty years ago, women didn’t call men or live with men before marriage because it was considered socially unacceptable. Fifty years ago, they didn’t even need to think about “ending the date first.” Their fathers ended it for them by requiring them to be home at a certain time, much like their great-grandfathers put an end to dates by holding up a shotgun on the front porch!
In addition, back then, women often had to get married in order to move out of their parents’ house. Women were financially dependent on men, and once married they became full-time wives and mothers who, for the most part, did not pursue careers.
Compare that to ’90s women. Many are financially self-sufficient. They can afford their own apartments, cars, vacations, wardrobes, and creature comforts. They can even have or adopt and support a child on their own. They no longer need men to get away from their parents or to have good or interesting lives. But the truth is they want men in their lives—as partners/friends, lovers, husbands/fathers. They can function without men, but they yearn for marriage and children and/or fulfilling relationships.
Their problem is how to get married or be in fulfilling relationships. The sexual revolution of the ’60s proved to be filled with empty promises—sex and living together did not add up to commitment.
Who or what can women turn to for dating advice? They may or may not be able to relate to their mothers. Besides, some mothers, trying to be hip and modern or desperate for their daughters to get married and produce a grandchild, will give them bad advice and tell them to call men and pay their own way. (“Don’t be so picky,” they tell them.)
Their female friends, conditioned by the social mores of today and with well-meaning intentions, may say “Oh, call him if you like him! What have you got to lose?” If he turns them down, “So, what?” they say.
Well, we say:
(1) Maybe if you don’t call him, he’ll build up a real desire and call you!
(2) A man who is receptive to your advances (without making any of his own) may date or even marry you at your suggestion, but down the road he’ll be bored and ambivalent toward you.
Women have turned to The Rules because it’s the only advice they can count on that works.