The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By. Ellen Fein
between The Rules and feminism. Rules girls can be feminists. We are feminists. We believe in and are grateful for the advances women have made in the last century. How else could we have become authors and formed a company? All women have different definitions of feminism, but to us, it is about getting equal pay for equal work. It’s about women being authors, astronauts, doctors, lawyers, CEOs, or whatever they want to be—getting promoted, being treated the same and paid as much as men!
Feminism is also about women believing in their own importance. It is about being fulfilled by our jobs, our hobbies, our friendships. It is knowing that the women in our lives are as important as the men—and treating our friends with respect and consideration to prove it!
But with all due respect, feminism has not changed men or the nature of romantic relationships. Like it or not, men are emotionally and romantically different from women. Men are biologically the aggressor. They thrive on challenge—whether it’s the stock market, basketball, or football—while women crave security and bonding. This has been true since civilization began!
Men who respond to The Rules are not sick or stupid, but quite normal and healthy. Your average guy. What would be sick is if a man chased and chased a woman who clearly didn’t want him, who repeatedly said “no” when he asked her out as early as Monday for Saturday night. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a woman who says “yes” to dates when asked a few days in advance and is nice to men on dates. She’s simply not too eager and doesn’t drop everything to see him at a moment’s notice. That way he respects her and wants to be with her and marry her.
Why men are naturally driven by challenge is not important. The point is to do what works to have a successful relationship, which is to let men do the pursuing … in other words, to follow The Rules.
After twenty to thirty years of do-what-you-feel and haphazard dating, most women we know are actually relieved to have rules and boundaries to live by. These women are happy that feminism has helped them get ahead in business and given them financial independence, but they agree that trying to be as aggressive in relationships with men as they are in their careers doesn’t work.
Are we telling women to play games? Some people like to focus on the most superficial aspects in The Rules—the ones most likely to promote controversy—but the book is really about self-esteem, about setting boundaries. Yes, in some ways, you’re playing a game. The game is called liking yourself! The game is not accepting just any treatment from a man. The game is being true to your heart. Everyone knows in their hearts that The Rules work, that this is the way it really is. But some people have to read the book a few times before they get the message that it’s not just about egg timers, lipstick, and not returning calls.
The Rules is not an etiquette book—it’s not about how to order wine on a date or which fork to use. While these niceties are important, they’re not what The Rules focus on. The Rules are about saving women—and men, for that matter—heartache. There are many disastrous relationships out there because women either initiated relationships with men or kept them going long after they should have been over. A failed relationship is depressing, confidence-shaking, and altogether unpleasant. By following The Rules, you avoid these disastrous results—and these painful emotions.
We had to write The Rules strictly, like a strict diet book, because we knew women would break them. You always sneak in your favorite high-fat meal or a piece of chocolate cake on Saturday night. With such strict rules, even if women broke the occasional rule, they could still reap the benefits of doing the rest.
Even therapists, whom we were sure would find the “be mysterious” part of The Rules objectionable, are actually recommending the book to their clients (see Chapter 8). They agree that the openness and honesty so necessary in therapy do not work in the initial stages of dating.
Are The Rules too marriage-minded? No, just realistic. Many women want to get married, and why not? It’s great to have a wonderful man to share your life with—end of story. We’re not telling women they’re nothing without a man. It’s just that many women feel that if they don’t marry a nice guy, they’re missing something. It’s a fact. This is how they really feel. It’s not a moral issue. Can they be happy without a husband? Sure. Can you be happy without taking vacations? Sure, but why would you want to?
We are not advocating marriage at any cost. On the contrary, in Chapter 17, “Buyer Beware,” we explain how to determine if he’s Mr. Right. This is a thinking woman’s guide to marriage. This is not about being a Stepford wife.
Indeed, The Rules represents a change in attitude about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed today. It’s going against nature when you chase a man, sleep with him too soon, or beg him to marry you. He may end up mistreating you, even if he marries you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and treat you badly.
Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped or that you pressured him to marry you because he did the calling, the pursuing, the proposing.
Rules marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive and involved husbands and fathers. They change diapers, help the kids with their homework, and plan family vacations.
The Rules work. They really do. That’s why women who want to be happily married—or at the very least, in a loving relationship—are living by The Rules—and loving the results!
Rules for Turning a Friend Into a Boyfriend
You’ve been friends for ages. Now, for whatever reason, you’ve decided he’s The One. Can you turn a friend into a boyfriend?
Only if he really always liked you, but you or circumstances prevented the friendship from developing further. For example, you never wanted anything more until recently, or you were both dating other people. Maybe you couldn’t imagine him as a boyfriend because of age differences (he’s much older or younger than you), personality differences (he’s artsy, you’re a business-type), or you come from different backgrounds.
How can you be sure he always liked you as more than a friend if you’ve just been friends?
There are certain things a friend does or says when he is drawn to you. For example:
He always just happens to be in your neighborhood or business area. He likes to watch Friends in your apartment. He likes your TV set better. If you are coworkers, he’s frequently drinking water from the fountain near your desk. If you’re in college, he’s always hanging out outside of your dorm room or is often at the dining hall when you’re there.
The bottom line: when a man is attracted to you, he finds ways—excuses—to be near you. We’re not exaggerating when we say, whoever’s near you likes you! You don’t have to look far or wide to find him. He’s always hanging around. You can’t get rid of him!
When a friend wants to date you, he doesn’t talk about other women, even if he’s dating someone else. He never seems to notice other women, even your very attractive friend. If, in fact, he is attracted to other women, he tells everyone but you. Around you, the words will just not come out, they stick in his throat.
While he’s private about his own love life, he wants to know about yours and asks a lot of questions. He wants to know the type of guy you like to date and what you like to do on Saturday night. He makes it sound as if he’s just curious, no big deal, of course, but he’s really figuring out how he’s going to use that information to make a move one day. He thinks anyone you’re dating is not good enough for you. He’ll