The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten. Martha Sears
a balance. Too many “nos” and too many “yeses” cripple a child’s self-discipline. It’s important to achieve the right blend of “yeses” and “nos” in a child’s environment. If you rarely say no to your child, the few times that you do he’ll disintegrate because he is not used to being frustrated. If his whole day is full of “nos”, the child believes the world is a negative place to be and will grow up a negative person. The real world will always be full of “yeses” and “nos”. In many homes, children soon learn who is the “yes” parent and who is more likely to say “no”. Even the Ten Commandments have dos and don’ts. As the child gradually learns this lesson of life, she’s on her way to having a healthy, balanced personality.
“Nos” grow too. The art of saying “no” develops along with your baby. During the first year, a baby’s needs and wants are the same, so that you are mainly a “yes” parent. During the second year, baby’s wants are not always safe or healthy, so you become a “yes” and “no” parent. From nine to fourteen months, no-saying is straightforward. We call them “low-energy nos”. Between fourteen and eighteen months, as babies click into overdrive, they get easily frustrated and are likely to protest being steered in a direction other than the one they want to go. This is when you will need both high-energy “nos” and very creative alternatives, such as the distraction and substitution approach, which is intended to minimize wear and tear on you and your child. By eighteen months, no-saying can begin to be more matter-of-fact. Parents can begin to convey an attitude of “that’s life, and I’m confident you can deal with it”. By two years of age toddlers become infatuated with saying no themselves. (See “Defiance”.)
One morning when she was eighteen months old our daughter Lauren, who was going through an impulsive phase, was flitting around the house climbing on and getting into everything. She was endangering herself and trashing the house. After the twentieth “No”, I was tired of hearing that word and so was Lauren. On the wall in one of our children’s bedrooms I noticed a poster of a kitten stuck out on a limb at the top of a tree. The caption read, “Lord, protect me from myself.” I realized that Lauren needed rescuing from her impulsive self. She needed a change of environment. We spent the rest of the day outside. Parks and playgrounds provide space and a “yes” environment in which to roam and climb. If you find yourself isolated with a curious toddler who is flitting from thing to thing, and you’re chasing him around the house saying no, consider changing to something more fun. Go outside; take along a good book and plant yourself in a safe location to let him run.
The fewer “Nos”, the better your day goes.
Teach stop signs. Even in the early months, teach your baby to recognize body language that means stop. Your baby needs to be exposed to “stop” body language long before hearing the no word. The first nip on Mother’s nipple during breastfeeding will invoke an “ouch” sign on your face; the first time your baby reaches for something dangerous, your face will register alarm. You are likely to get best results from your stop signs if your baby has been so used to positive body language that any change makes him sit up and take notice. Your “nos” will be more meaningful during toddlerhood if your baby sees a lot of “yes” body language: looks of pride and approval, gestures of delight and pleasure, eye-to-eye contact, hugs, tickles, and a sparkly face that says “I love you. You’re great!”
We have noticed that attachment-parented children, because they spend hours a day in their parents’ arms and in face-to-face contact, easily learn to read parents’ faces and body language. Having lots of face-to-face contact in the early months makes face-to-face communication easier in the months and years to come. Some children are so impressed by body language that you can get your point across without saying a word. An expressive mother of a connected two-year-old told us: “Usually all I have to do is glance at her with a slight frown on my face, and she stops misbehaving.”
Teach stop sounds. Often a change in your mood or body language is not enough to redirect impulsive actions. Words are needed. Children soon learn which discipline words carry more power and demand quicker response than others. And children soon learn which tone of voice means business and which allows for some latitude. Arm yourself with a variety of “stop-what-you’re-doing” sounds so that you can choose one that fits the occasion. Tailor the intensity of the sound to the gravity of the behaviour. Save the really big sound for the true danger.
Create alternatives to the n-word. Constantly saying no causes this word to lose its power. Since stop sounds are used mainly to protect, try using more specific words that fit the situation. Consider this example: when a toddler is about to reach into the cat’s litter tray your first reaction is to say “No!” but you follow it up with an explanation, “Dirty! Make you sick.” Next time the child goes for the litter tray (and he will do it again), instead of no, say, “Dirty! Make you sick.” That and a disgusted expression on your face will help the child learn the why as well as the what of good behaviour, and the litter box will lose its attraction. (We are assuming here that the litter tray is kept in a location well away from the toddler’s beaten path. Cat litter, like sand, is irresistible to babies.) Babies start reaching for “no-nos” around six months. A good phrase to use early on is “Not for Josie”. By the time baby is a toddler this phrase will be familiar and matter-of-fact.
mastering “the look”
You can often correct a child without saying a word. I have noticed that master disciplinarians use a look of disapproval that stops the behaviour but preserves the child’s self-image, a type of “I mean business” look. Martha, after disciplining eight children, has mastered “the look”: head turned a bit, eyes probing, just the right facial gesture and tone of voice to convey to the child, “I don’t like what you’re doing, but I still feel connected to you. I know that you know better.” Remember, your eyes will disclose what you are really thinking and feeling. If you are feeling anger or contempt toward your child, that’s what she will read in your eyes. If one or both of you recognize this is happening, you will have to apologize for the harshness of the feelings communicated toward her person by “the look”. Be sure that stop signs and stop sounds stop the behaviour and not the growth of self-worth in your child. Your child should understand that you disapprove of the behaviour, not the child. Follow the look with a hug, a smile, or a forthright explanation: “I don’t like what you did, but I do like you.”
“the voice”
Besides mastering “the look”, reserve a special tone of voice for those occasions when you must get your point across vocally. A veteran disciplinarian shared her secret with us: I am an easy-going mummy, but my children know just by my tone of voice when they have crossed the line. One day our two-year-old was misbehaving and our four-year-old said, “Don’t mess with Mummy when she talks like that!”
Coincidentally, one day while we were writing this chapter, two-year-old Lauren came prancing into our study clutching a bag of peanuts. Instead of grabbing the peanuts from her and shouting “No!” (they are on our chokeable food list for children under three), Martha looked Lauren straight in the eye and calmly said, “Not for Lauren.” Her tone of voice and concerned look stopped Lauren in her tracks. Martha picked Lauren up (still clutching the peanuts) and headed off for the pantry, where they found a safer snack. By using our standard “not for Lauren” phrase and giving her a safe alternative, she didn’t have time to consider throwing a fit, which a no surely would have produced. (For more alternatives to no, see discussions of redirectors and here). In any family there will be items that are “not for” the little one. When you use this phrase calmly and consistently from early on, the toddler understands you are protecting him.
“No” is so