The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten. Martha Sears
his mind as you protect his body. In our experience, babies respond to “Stop!” better than to “No!” It gets the child’s attention, and stops behaviour long enough for you to plan other strategies. “Stop” is protective rather than punitive. “No” invites a clash of wills, but even strong-willed children will usually stop momentarily to evaluate a stop order, as if they sense danger ahead. Strong-minded children often ignore “No” if they’ve heard it a thousand times before. Even “Stop” loses its command value if overused.
Give positive substitutes. Present a positive with your negative: “You can’t have the knife, but you can have the ball.” Use a convincing expression to market the “can do” in order to soften the “can’t do”. “You can’t go across the street”, you say with a matter-of-fact tone of voice, and then carefully state, “You can help Mummy sweep the drive.” There is a bit of creative marketing in every mother.
Avoid setups. If you’re taking your child along with you to a toyshop to buy a birthday present for your child’s friend, realize that you are setting yourself up for a confrontation. Your child is likely to want to buy everything in the shop. To avoid the inevitable “No, you can’t have that toy”, before you go into the shop tell him that you are there to buy a birthday present and not a toy for him so that he is programmed not to expect a toy.
Each stage of development has its “yeses” and “nos”; the stakes just get higher as children get older. Learning how to give and receive a “no” is part of maturity and part of discipline.
“No” is a child’s word too. Prepare yourself to be on the receiving end of “No”. Your two-year-old has just run out the door. You ask her to come back. She yells, “No!” Your first reaction is likely to be, “This little pipsqueak is not going to talk back to me that way. I’ll show her who’s boss …” (In our family, being disrespectful is a real “no-no”.) Understanding what’s behind that two-year-old and that two-letter word will help you accept this normal toddler behaviour. Don’t take “No” personally. Saying no is important for a child’s development, for establishing his identity as an individual. This is not defiance or a rejection of your authority. (See the meaning of defiance.) Some parents feel they cannot tolerate any “nos” at all from their children, thinking that to permit this would undermine their authority. They wind up curtailing an important process of self-emergence: Children have to experiment with where their mother leaves off and where they begin. Parents can learn to respect individual wishes and still stay in charge and maintain limits. The boundaries of selfhood will be weak if the self gets no exercise. As your child gets older, the ability to get along with peers in certain situations (stealing, cheating, drugs, and so on) will depend on her ability to say no.
By eighteen months Lauren had surmised that “No” meant we wanted her to stop what she was doing. One day she was happily playing with water at the kitchen sink. As she saw me approaching, and in anticipation of my stopping her play, she blurted out an emphatic “No, Dad!” Lauren had staked out her territory, and she had concluded she had a right to do this. Her “No” meant she was guarding her space. I verbalized what I thought her “No” meant: “You don’t want me to stop you. You want to play with the water. Go ahead, that looks like fun.” If I had wanted her to stop I would have said, “Sorry, not now. How about a squirt bottle with water in it?”
the humour of “no”
One afternoon Martha walked into the TV room and saw Matthew and his friend watching a video that the older children had rented and watched the day before. (Later we found out Matthew had also watched it at that time.) She took one look at the movie and realized she would have to ask him to turn it off. Besides, it was the middle of the day and the boys should have been playing outside. As she stood watching the movie for a few moments, planning her course of action, Martha caught the flavour of the character in the movie and in a spurt of inspiration decided to use humour to say no. As she clicked off the TV, she spun around on her heels and launched into a monologue using the character’s facial expressions, accent, and hand gestures. She must have done a good job of impersonating this actor because both boys sat staring at her wide-eyed as though they couldn’t believe a mum was capable of such improvised insanity. They both jumped up and headed out the door as the voice of this character told them to find something better to do. They were still laughing.
Personalize “No”. We are convinced Lauren is destined for public relations. Her “No, Dad” was the diplomatic way to say no. By adding “Dad” she personalized her message. Rather than giving a dictatorial “No”, we add the child’s name. If you tend to shout, personalized address at least softens the sound and shows respect for the listener. Some parents confuse respecting the child with granting him equal power, but this is not a power issue. The person with the power should respect the person taken charge of. That consideration holds true in parenting; it holds true in other relationships as well.
Be considerate. When you have to stop a behaviour, there is no reason to be rude. For example, your baby discovers the tape dispenser someone left out. This is a wonderful toy. Instead of descending on him and snatching it from his hands, causing him to wail pitifully as you carry him off, you can take a few moments to explore it with him. Then you say “bye-bye” to the tape and hand him a decent length of the fascinating stuff to compensate for not getting the whole roll as you turn his attention to a perhaps less interesting but more age-appropriate activity.
When you say it, mean it. Follow through on your directives. For months we said to Lauren that in order to have bedtime stories she had to submit to tooth brushing. And for months it worked, sometimes easily, sometimes with a certain amount of coaxing and saying, “OK, no stories …” One night she decided to test. Martha She could tell by the set of Lauren’s jaw and firmly shut lips that she finally was “calling our bluff”. So rather than proceed with coaxing and humouring, Martha calmly said, “OK, no stories!” turned off the lights, and carried her to bed. She fussed a bit as Martha lay there with her because she realized Martha had called her bluff and now the lights were out – the irreversible sign that the next step was to go to sleep. After that, tooth brushing went unchallenged and stories were reinstated.
making danger discipline stick
Your toddler reaches for the handle of the soup pan on the stove. Instead of shouting “No!” try “Stop!” As soon as baby stops in her tracks, issue a quick follow-up – “Hurt baby.” As you firmly grab her exploring hand (thinking next time you’ll keep the handle turned in and use the back burner), look into her amazed big eyes and continue your serious look: “Hot. Hurt. Don’t touch what’s on the stove. Ouchie!” You’ve made your point without saying no. Follow up with a hug, especially if you found yourself speaking harshly. Reconnect with your child so that one incident doesn’t ruin your child’s whole day. (“Hot” is another helpful stop word, especially once your child has some personal experience with the sensation. Carefully hold her hand where she can feel the heat so she understands the connection.)
negotiate or hold your ground?
Children, especially those with a strong will, try to wear their parents down. They are convinced they must have something or their world can’t go on. They pester and badger until parents say “yes” just to stop the wear and tear on their nerves. This is faulty discipline. If, however, your child’s request seems reasonable after careful listening, be willing to negotiate. Sometimes you may find it wise to change your mind after saying no. While you want your child to believe your “No” means no, you also want your child to feel you are approachable and flexible. It helps to hold your “No” until you’ve heard