Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. Barbara Angelis De
we know is in there.
Erika, 45, was a perfect example of a woman making Mistake #3. She’d been married to Arnold for nineteen years, and had never been happy for all that time. “I not only fell in love with Arnold’s potential,” she admitted tearfully, “I married it! Arnold has never been a very loving, giving person. He’s emotionally closed off and very critical. But inside of him, there is this sweet, frightened little boy who comes out once in a while and who just wants to be loved. When we were dating, I’d see glimpses of that part of him, and just melt. I remember the night he proposed to me, he broke down and cried for the first time since I’d known him. I realized that he had problems, but I figured, If I just love him enough, he will open up.’ My parents disapproved of the marriage, but I told them they didn’t know Arnold like I did.
“Well, nineteen years and three kids later, Arnold hasn’t changed a bit. I’ve spent most of our marriage feeling unloved and unappreciated, and I can’t take it anymore. I still love him, and I still see that beautiful part inside of him, but I’m finally facing the fact that he just isn’t going to change. I know I’m making the right decision in leaving him, but somehow I feel if only I’d loved him more or helped him more, maybe he would have opened up.”
Erika spent her life longing for that piece of Arnold he was withholding, rather than telling herself the truth about what he was really willing to give her in the relationship, I know just how Erika felt, because I did exactly that in one of my own relationships. I spent several years with someone I loved very much, who not only wasn’t living his own potential, but wasn’t giving me that last piece of his heart, that last 10 percent of emotional surrender and commitment. And like Erika, I set myself up for failure by thinking:
IF I LOVE HIM ENOUGH, HE WILL CHANGE
The truth is, if a man loves himself enough, he will change!
Women who fall in love with a man’s potential often don’t feel good about themselves and think they need to perform in order to be loved by someone else. We choose men who are emotionally challenging and then set out to love them in spite of who they are. Then we get to say, “Look how loving, patient, tolerant, and compassionate I am. I must be lovable, right?”
I finally learned that:
HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN MEANS LOVING HIM FOR WHO HE IS NOW, AND NOT LOVING HIM IN SPITE OF WHO HE IS TODAY, OR IN HOPES OF WHO HE WILL BE TOMORROW
WHY WOMEN FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN’S POTENTIAL
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A “RESCUE-HOLIC”
Here are some warning signs to watch out for that may indicate you are making Mistake #3:
THE SOLUTION: HOW TO STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH A MAN’S POTENTIAL
As a recovering “rescue-holic,” let me give you some suggestions for healing yourself of this painful pattern.
1. Focus your creative energies on your own life and career first, rather than on your man’s. Make a list of your dreams and goals, and a concrete plan for attaining them. Stick to your own schedule, and beware of getting sidetracked. This means that if you plan to attend a networking meeting that can help you get more clients for your business, but your boyfriend needs help fixing up his apartment, go to your meeting! Know what you want in life before you even get involved in a new relationship, so that your agenda comes first.
2. Make a list: “The things I’m avoiding in my life by rescuing men.” Often you won’t be aware of how many of your own emotions or challenges you are avoiding by rescuing men. Making a list will help focus your attention on these hidden areas.
3. Find a man who wants to take responsibility for fixing himself, so that you don’t have to do the work for him. There’s nothing wrong with supporting the man you love in his personal growth and helping him make the changes he wants to make. When two people really love one another, both of them help bring out the hidden potential in the other. But it’s important that you work as a team – that your man is as committed to working on himself as you are.
I suggest that, in the beginning of a relationship, you ask a man what his personal goals are, and how he plans to achieve them. You might find out that even though you want him to become more emotional or expressive, he has no interest in developing that way. Then you’d know he’s not for you. If he does claim he wants to grow in the same ways you’d like to see him grow, give him some time, love, and support, and evaluate him in a few months. If you haven’t seen progress or change, discuss this with him, and find out why nothing has happened. Remember: Actions speak louder than words.
MISTAKE 4
Women Cover Up Their Excellence and Competence
Do you have a bad habit of putting yourself down in front of the man you love?
Do you have a difficult time receiving compliments and praise?
Do you possess talents and abilities your partner isn’t even aware of?
Most women are so good at making Mistake #4 that they don’t even know it. We cover up our intelligence, accomplishments, clarity, and abilities in order to avoid