Steve Biddulph’s Raising Girls. Steve Biddulph
parents or carers, because they are unique to her family and culture and will help her live with them for the many years it will take to raise her.
Along with its social functions, the prefrontal cortex also controls two important abilities:
1 The ability to focus, to pay attention.
2 The ability to calm yourself down.
Babies can’t calm themselves for one important reason: they are wired up for panic. In the wild (the way we used to live for a quarter of a million years) babies were carried about for most of the day, because that was the best way to keep them safe and give them good care. And often the adults were walking for much of the time, so it was just a practical necessity. (Even today, in the so-called undeveloped world, babies are rarely put down. They also rarely cry.) In our long pre-history there were plenty of predators about that would love to snatch a human baby for their dinner. So if a baby found herself alone or, worse still, a big hairy muzzle suddenly appeared in her face, dripping saliva – and it wasn’t dad – she was probably in trouble. Babies who cried loudly were more likely to be rescued fast. So fearfulness and noisy panic had a survival value that became part of our design.
This alarm system in babies left alone has a very important message for us as parents. For just as we are told right from birth to keep babies warm – since they can’t regulate their own temperature – we have to keep them calm because they can’t regulate their emotions. So dozens of times a day, a baby gets upset, whimpers or cries, and her mum, dad, grandparent or sibling picks her up, soothes her, and helps her relax. ‘It’s okay, everything’s fine, there, there.’ Gradually this soothing becomes part of her, she learns how to do it herself, but this takes several years of receiving the gift of calmness from others. It’s all gradually building into strong mental health for a lifetime.
The Gift of Calm
Your little girl learns calmness for life from the ease and comfort you bring to her early months and years. (Even in the womb, your adrenaline crosses over into her body, so a calm pregnancy can pay off in terms of giving you a more restful and happy baby.) This means planning as much as you possibly can to spend the time before and after your birth and right into the first year or two, with reduced pressure and the luxury of time with your little one.
This is so different to our idea of how to live: rush, hurry and busy-ness are the keystones of modern life. But our babies are Stone-Age babies, and modern madness does not serve them well. If you possibly can, make this time a break from the rush-about world you may have lived in all your life.
WHAT IS CALMNESS?
Calmness is not a character trait, it’s simply a skill. You have to decide that it matters, that the quality of your presence would be better if you slowed yourself down and were really connected to people and the moment you are living in. Then you practise until gradually it becomes part of you. It benefits everyone around you – they feel peaceful and happy in your presence. It’s exactly what children need in a parent. And it benefits you – with less stress hormones, you live longer and feel better. Calmness is well worth cultivating.
Calmness is made up of certain actions; breathing deeper, dropping your shoulders, settling your muscles, feeling your feet strongly planted on the ground, focusing your thoughts on the job in hand in a steady easy way, and not going off into panicked thoughts. Even just counting three or four breaths, in and out, will slow your heartbeat and calm your mind down. Calm people are actually doing these things automatically; when an emergency strikes they intentionally calm themselves more in order to counter the tendency to panic and do the wrong thing.
Self-regulating your level of emotional arousal is an incredibly valuable skill for life. All you have to do is notice, am I calm? If not, breathe a couple of times consciously, feel your feet on the ground, and notice how, as the last burst of adrenaline clears away, the calmness response starts to kick in. Practise this for a few days, and soon the natural appeal of calmness will pull you more and more to that peaceful and steady place. Everything is better – the taste of food, the scent of flowers, the feel of the water in your shower, warm on your skin. You will find that time slows down, and you can think more in the pause before you open your mouth. And that has real benefits!
Crying and Sleep
Feeling okay in the world is the first lesson you teach your baby girl. ‘You are loved and precious, I am here for you, and everything is okay’. A frightened or lonely baby won’t learn to calm herself if she is just left to cry – this is a common misunderstanding. She will go quiet eventually, but this is because of another survival pattern. ‘Nobody is going to come!’ A baby’s prolonged cries ‘in the wild’ might attract danger, so if her cries are not successful after a few minutes, the baby shuts down and becomes physiologically ‘depressed’. If parents are unresponsive – through suffering untreated postnatal depression, or being drunk or stoned, or just not caring – and if this happens often enough, the baby decides that ‘my efforts don’t have any effect on others’. This pattern will become part of how she responds to difficulty in life. It is called ‘learned helplessness’.4
It’s not a pattern you want your child to have, because she will lack a sense of mastery or hope in difficult situations. ‘Depression’ is often misunderstood – it is simply an ability of the human body to shut down, from ancient times when we had to sit out bad weather or endure long winters of cold and dark. At such times, with little food about and no energy to catch it, moving little, eating little and doing little was the best way to survive. But the depression response can easily become overdeveloped. Teaching depression to a child by ignoring her is not going to help her. She may lie still, but she is actually very unhappy.
There is a middle road here; especially when getting babies to sleep, which can be an important part of parents’ survival. Sometimes a baby in her cot will make sounds, trying to bring the adults to play with her after she’s been put to bed. It’s fine to let her whinge and whine a little as part of her giving up on ‘game time’ and letting sleep take over (especially when mum or dad is totally knackered and just needs a rest), but if the whingeing turns into full-voiced distress, that’s not good. She needs calming and settling. The caring bond between you is endangered, and she needs to know you are there. (In the notes you will find some good reading suggestions on how to get more sleep for your baby, and for you, without using harsh methods to do so.)
You Also Have to Excite Your Baby!
After all this talk about calmness, it’s important to remember the opposite message too: we don’t always want our babies calm. Babies and toddlers also need to learn to go into higher states of excitement, to increase their emotional range and enjoyment. From time immemorial, parents and siblings will just naturally tickle, tease, excite and stimulate babies. Your little girl will giggle and ‘come alive’ when you energise her in whatever way works for you – singing to her, playing peek-a-boo by hiding your face behind your hand or a magazine and popping out again. Tickles, cuddles and dancing about with her in your arms will help her coordination and body sense, but don’t do it for that reason, do it for the fun of it. Put some music on, and let yourself go!
Even the rough and tumble play that dads do with small children helps this along. Dads are notoriously prone to exciting kids by tossing them about, chasing and wrestling and swinging them around. Your daughter may get a little stressed by this, but if it is done in the right way (which you can tell by watching her face for signs of real distress, and backing off a little) she will get over it and start to giggle. Research has found that little girls who play with their dads when they are toddlers are much more stress-proof than those who had it all too safe and gentle!5
(A cautionary note, especially for dads, when a baby is little, be