Steve Biddulph’s Raising Girls. Steve Biddulph
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(In our family this was definitely how it was. As mentioned earlier, we planned carefully for homebirths with great midwives and doctors on standby, and both times we had emergency caesareans. But you claw back what you can – I was there both times, trying not to faint, and I held our babies the second they emerged from behind the green sheets. A few hours after my son was born, I faced down a monster nurse who wanted to put a two-foot plastic tube into his stomach for a sample ‘just in case’. Our babies slept with me on the floor of the hospital room so that they were near their mum as she recovered from her operation. So I am not saying give up your ideals, but give up your well-planned perfect life, and learn to be flexible!)
Parenthood is so worth it, and so difficult, at the same time. Say goodbye to self-absorption. You never needed it anyway. It didn’t look good on you.
DON’T EDUCATE – JUST ENJOY
In recent years there has been an avalanche of products and programmes – DVDs, flashcards, books and expensive courses – to take advantage of parents’ anxiety to have a smarter child. Despite all this effort and expense, with babies being urged to read at two or play the cello at four, there is absolutely no evidence that these approaches have any benefit at all. In fact, such educative efforts may have real costs in making parents and child more anxious and their relationship more strained. It’s tempting to say that any product or place with the words ‘Early Learning’ in its title should be avoided at all costs. I’m not saying that, but it’s tempting!
Of course babies and toddlers love stimulation, but it’s how we go about it that matters. Studies of vocabulary acquisition (learning and using lots of words) have found something very interesting: kids do not get a larger vocabulary from being hammered with stimulating words and ideas. Researchers have found that the toddlers with the most words in their repertoire are the ones whose parents listen to them the most. It’s not hearing lots of words, but using and enjoying them that fixes them in your child’s memory. Children remember words when they experience the power of words to interest and engage others. ‘Give me the teddy, Daddy’ (Father uses the teddy to tickle his daughter, making her giggle). ‘No, Daddy, give me the teddy SLOWLY.’
So we have to take the pressure out of parent-child relating. The very best thing you can do with your little girl is enjoy her. Chatter mindlessly to her – this really does come naturally if you let it. Singing and gooing and being funny with a baby (which is exactly what makes them prick up their ears, smile or giggle) helps her attunement to language as an exciting tool that makes people do things. An uneducated rural mother in the third world, or a teenage mother with a good sense of fun often does a better job of this than someone with a degree in business administration – because they know how to relax and enjoy.
What if being around babies doesn’t come naturally to you? If you had a chilly or distant and uptight childhood with parents who had those attributes too? Playfulness may not come naturally at first but it will happen, if you don’t worry about looking or sounding silly (because that’s the point) and see what works to make your little daughter laugh and smile. She has a million years of mammalian history stored inside her, and like any kitten, puppy or wombat baby, she loves to do what develops her best – and that is play.
Not a second of babyhood is wasted. They are learning all the time and we are their teachers. These early months can feel dreamlike and unproductive to parents used to achieving all kinds of goals, but it’s actually the most productive time you will ever spend.
In a Nutshell
Little Lucy discovers that the world is a good place because her parents can be trusted.
Babies seek reassurance from us to manage their natural anxiety. We need to organise our lives so we can be calm and emotionally present, especially in those first six months.
The second six months of life is when your daughter acquires the basis of all her people skills – the rhythm of interaction and how to be peaceful.
Babies also need to be excited, played with and awakened to the fun of life. Luckily that’s not so hard.
Baby-stimulation products and programmes are usually a waste of money and may even just add stress to your relationship. Don’t educate, just enjoy.
Babies don’t fit into your lifestyle, you have to fit into theirs. Prepare to have your life turned on its head. Accept this and you will have a lot more fun and joy.
Chapter 3
One day your baby is on her feet, toddling, then suddenly nothing in your life is ever the same! No cat is safe, no goldfish, and no precious vase on a coffee table. (Though even crawlers could probably have got to those.)
A girl between two and five has one single purpose: to explore. This is the age when Girls Just Want to Have Fun. She does this with huge determination, and her will is strong. Being stopped annoys her greatly. Of course, sometimes she has to be stopped, but hopefully with distraction, or diversion, or sometimes with a cry of ‘hands off’, along with a scowly face. But in the main, exploring is what you want her to do, and giving her lots to explore makes for a happier and smarter girl.
Because she is a girl, there are extra reasons why this stage matters; in fact how you handle it is crucial. This is the time to give her the greatest range of abilities and areas of confidence that you possibly can. From nature to art to athletics, it all gets its start between one and five.
No Limits to Girlhood
Sometimes the limits we put on girls are totally unconscious. Just recently, a remarkable study was carried out into the way we talk to toddlers. It was discovered that without knowing it, parents talk with a different focus, and about different things, depending on the gender of their child.7
If he’s a little boy, they say,
‘Look! There are THREE rabbits in the field over there.’
If she’s a girl, they say,
‘Look at those CUTE rabbits!’
If it’s a boy they say, ‘Wow, you’ve made that tower TEN BLOCKS HIGH!’
If it’s a girl they say, ‘What a BEAUTIFUL tower you’ve made.’
Can you spot the difference? Boys = numbers, girls = feelings. It’s totally unconscious, but it has huge implications. And what else are we changing? Nobody really knows.
Does this matter? Well, it’s long been known that even though girls are equally able at maths, most boys enjoy maths more and go further with this subject at school, and further into those careers that need some maths (which includes a lot of the best-paid jobs). Girls are often quite frightened by maths. (And to be honest, some girls are frightened by scary male maths teachers, of whom there seemed to be a lot, at least when we were kids.)
I am sure that no parent ever sets out to disadvantage their girls around useful number skills, yet we unconsciously start making the boys practical and the girls emotionally focused.
So here’s a suggestion, perhaps we ought to reverse this. Girls are well wired for being emotionally aware; we can encourage that, but we can also