The Complete Parenting Collection. Steve Biddulph
after birth, young Jamie will have as much testosterone in his bloodstream as a twelve-year-old boy! He has needed all this testosterone to stimulate his body to develop male qualities in time to be born. This ‘testosterone hangover’ will result in him having little erections from time to time as a newborn.
By three months of age, the testosterone level will drop off to about a fifth of the birth level, and throughout toddlerhood the level will stay pretty low. Boy and girl toddlers (I’m sure you’d agree) behave pretty much the same.
At the age of four, for reasons nobody quite understands, boys receive a sudden surge of testosterone, doubling their previous levels. At this age, little Jamie may become much more interested in action, heroics, adventures and vigorous play. His dad may well find that this age is a good one because Jamie can now play ball games, and they can do gardening together: they can interact in ways that were not possible when he was little and helpless.
At five years of age, the testosterone level drops by a half, and young Jamie calms down again, just in time for school! Enough testosterone is still around for him to be interested in activity, adventure and exploration, but not especially interested in girls.
Somewhere between the ages of eleven and thirteen, the level start to rise sharply again. Eventually – usually around fourteen – it will increase by some 800 percent over the level of toddlerhood. The result is a sudden growth and elongation of his arms and legs – so much so that his whole nervous system has to rewire itself. In about 50 percent of boys, the testosterone levels are so high that some of it converts into estrogen, and breast swelling and tenderness may be experienced. This is nothing to worry about.
Brains go out the window
Around age thirteen, the reorganisation of Jamie’s brain, linked with the rapid growth of his body, makes him dopey and disorganised for many months. His mother and father have to act as his substitute brain for a while! If they’re not aware of the reasons for this, parents can wonder where they have gone wrong. But if Jamie’s parents know this is all part of puberty, and take a relaxed – if vigilant – attitude, then things should work out just fine.
By age fourteen, the testosterone level is now at a peak, and pubic hair, acne, strong sexual feelings and a general restlessness may well drive Jamie and everyone around him slightly crazy. For most families this is the most challenging year of raising boys – take comfort that if you hang in and stay caring and firm, it does pass. The later teens find boys getting increasingly more sensible and mature.
When Jamie reaches his mid-twenties, things settle down, hormonally speaking. His testosterone levels are just as high, but his body has become used to them and he is not quite so reactive. His erections are a little more under control! The hormone continues to endow him with male features – high cholesterol, baldness, hairy nostrils and so on – well into later life. On the plus side, the testosterone gives him surges of creative energy, a love of competition, and a desire to achieve and to be protective. Hopefully his energies will be channelled into activities and career choices (as well as a happy sex life) which bring all kinds of satisfaction and benefits.
In his early forties, Jamie’s levels of testosterone begin a very gradual decline. He goes for several days at a time without thinking about sex! In the bedroom, quality replaces quantity. In the world, Jamie now has less to prove, and is more mellow and wise. He assumes quiet leadership in group and work situations, rather than having to prove who’s boss. He values friendship and makes his best contributions to the world.
Each boy is different
What we have described here is the pattern for the average boy. There is great variation among males and also lots of overlap between the sexes. Some girls will have more testosterone-type behaviour than some boys, and some boys will show more estrogen-type behaviour than some girls. Nonetheless, the general pattern will hold true for most children.
Understanding boys’ hormones and their effects means we can understand what is going on and be sympathetic and helpful. Just as a good husband understands his partner’s PMT (premenstrual tension), a good parent of a boy understands his TNT (testosterone needing tuition).
TEENAGE BOYS AND DRIVING CARS
The biggest single worry for most parents of boys is safety. In the adolescent years, as he spends more time away from your direct care and his mobility and independence grows, it’s hard to relax and just ‘let go’. And in fact there is growing evidence that this fear is well grounded, that we are letting go too soon. This is especially true in the matter of driving cars. Every year the newspapers carry stories of small towns or suburban communities across the nation devastated by multiple fatality crashes, where four or five teenagers die in collisions caused by immaturity and inexperience.
As a community we care deeply about the lives of our young people, and this has prompted some astounding research into why boys die like this and how to prevent it. It has been discovered that one boy on his own driving a car, aged in his late teens, is relatively safe. Today’s emphasis on driver training and 50-100 hours of practice driving with an adult supervising (usually Mum or Dad) means young men have greater awareness and skill than young drivers in our day. They probably drive too fast at times, but are also more focussed on and attentive to their driving, so they do not fare too badly as long as alcohol is not involved. However, if you add a male passenger in the car, things begin to change: the young driver takes more risks, and the chances of a fatal crash increase by 50 percent. If the passenger is a girl, however, a male driver usually becomes protective and careful, and is actually safer than he is on his own.
The next part will shock you. If you now add one or more other young people in the back seat, the death rate of the driver increases by over 400 percent. The distraction, the need to impress, and the difficulty of staying in a calm, careful state of mind, mean that all those in the car are at serious risk. This is especially so after dark, and of course is much worse with drugs or alcohol present. This astonishingly clear research has lead to law reforms that are saving lives around the world. In Australia, a bereaved father, Rob Wells, who lost his son along with three other boys in a single car crash, has campaigned to persuade governments in several states to restrict young drivers carrying more than one passenger, especially late at night. These laws have worked very effectively in New Zealand and Canada for many years.
Meanwhile, it helps that parents know about this ‘brain overload factor’ – the ‘maturity bypass effect’ of having friends in a car – and can make informed decisions. Psychologists now believe seventeen-year-olds are too young to drive groups of friends about at any time. You have ferried them about for sixteen years already; why not do it for another year or two, to know they won’t die or kill their friends? A year or two later, and with more experience, they will be so much safer.
At seventeen, teenagers can sound persuasive. They can say the right things. But it’s later, under pressure, that their brains are not able to cope. The last thing parents of dead teenagers ever hear them say is, ‘I’ll be fine, Mum’.
Why boys scuffle and fight
Testosterone affects mood and energy levels; it’s more than just a growth hormone. There’s no doubt it causes energetic and boisterous behaviour. That’s why, for centuries, horses were gelded to make them better behaved. Testosterone injected into female rats makes them try to mate with other female rats and fight with each other. It makes certain parts of the brain grow and others slow down