The Yummy Mummy’s Family Handbook. Liz Fraser

The Yummy Mummy’s Family Handbook

I do feel I do a lot more than him, because the housework never, ever stops. If I say so he just says I’m being over-sensitive and that I don’t really have to do so much—but I do!

Julia, community nurse, mother of two and wife for six years:

David does nothing to help around the house. He gets home very late from work most nights and at the weekend he likes to spend time with the children or play golf. The problem is, I work too, and I’d like to spend time with the kids or do some exercise as well. But somebody has to cook the food and clean the house, and it’s always me. I don’t want to nag so I get on with it—I don’t want arguments.

And now a few words from some brave, honest men:

John, software developer, father of two, married for five years:

I work long hours so I can’t really cook because the kids are fed when I get home. And I love cooking too! I don’t do much housework because it’s often taken care of while I’m at work, but I think I could do more at the weekend, like go to Tesco or do some washing.

Peter, scientist, father of three, married ten years:

I hate housework. I work so hard all week that I need to relax and unwind when I leave the lab. Anyway, I don’t mind if the house isn’t perfectly clean—it’s my wife who likes it that way, not me.

Ed, musician, father of one, married three years:

I’ve never heard Annie complain that she does too much housework, but come to think of it, she does a lot. But I think it makes her happy to have things the way she wants them. She can always ask if she wants me to do more—I don’t mind helping out.

Interesting. The women all feel they are doing the lion’s share, despite having jobs outside the home as well, but they either say nothing to avoid rows, or feel their words fall on deaf ears. The men know they are doing less, but don’t seem to want to offer their services, and some even seem to think that we like doing all of the work. Perish the thought that they should deprive us of the sweeping, trolley-heaving and underpants-sorting we so adore!

Come on now, ladies: can we please show some respect to all our foremothers who worked so hard to give us more freedom of choice, and be brave enough to ask, pretty, pretty please, that we be treated as equals—not better, or more gently or patronisingly—but as equals with the people who share our home? Would it not be just slightly intelligent if the adult members of a family shared the workload equally between them, and if the kids chipped in a little bit too?

Yes, it would. A whole fucking lot more intelligent than it is at the moment, where by far the majority of working women still do the most housework. (The statistics are there if you don’t believe me—just go and look.)

The ‘Why do I do everything?!’ question is one I ask frequently, usually at a high volume, with a child on one hip, a basket of laundry in my arms and a car insurance document between my teeth. Happily, there are ways of reducing the number of times you have to ask this:

Speak up! Make your dissatisfaction known, not in an aggressive way, but by simply stating the facts and saying you want things to change. He probably hasn’t stopped to think how the clean clothes arrive in his wardrobe, why there are always clean mugs in the cupboard, or beers in the fridge. They just magically appear. Well, make him aware of who the magic housework fairy is and tell him you want to divide these tasks up a bit—or the fairy isn’t going to be very happy any more…

If you work you have a watertight case for sharing the housework. When I had no job (other than looking after my kids and house) I did almost all of the housework and I didn’t mind at all—I was at home, he was at work, so it made sense. It was my job. But as soon as I started working again we had to share the load differently, and it took a little while to adjust to. If you and your partner both work, then it is completely unacceptable that it’s assumed you will do most of the childcare and housework. You have to talk about it and find a way that works for you, or you will become too resentful and angry to be any fun any more.

Leave it to rot. I don’t recommend this strategy at all, as I’ve seen it tried a few times and it was always a disaster. If you adopt a ‘Fine, well I’ll just stop doing it and we’ll see how well that goes, shall we?’ approach, here’s what will happen: your house will resemble a squat within a month, you will spend all the money you could have spent on a much-needed cleaner in the local take-away because there will be no food left in your cupboards, and your partner will think it’s fantastic. He won’t notice all the dirt and mess, and he’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. You, on the other hand, will go mad living in such squalor. Much better to carry on keeping your house as you like it, but working on the ‘It’s completely disrespectful to expect me to do it all’ line. And he’ll get no sex at all until something changes…

Competitive Exhaustion

I come from a family where this condition is rife, and I really, really hate it. Everyone sets out to out-exhaust everyone else, citing all the tasks they’ve had to do, how little sleep they’ve had, how stressed they are, how ill they are, and how their life is just so much harder and more exhausting than anyone else’s! It’s nothing more than a big, childish quest for sympathy, attention and cuddles, and it doesn’t work: it just pisses everybody off.

If you feel yourselves slipping into such a scenario, then learn from someone who has lived with it for years, and try to make changes as soon as possible:

Identify why it’s happening. Whether it’s you or your partner, try to think of why there is such need to explain how much work is being done or how much you/they are suffering. It’s almost certainly due to feeling down, lacking attention or being in some way jealous of each other’s life. Silly, I know, but very common.

Stop it. This kind of behaviour is very hard to stop once you get into the habit, so stop as soon as you feel it coming on. If it’s been going on for a while, then you’ll have to get help with it, so get the whole family involved: ask your partner or children to point out when someone is starting out on a ‘my life is so hard’ rant, and have a chat about what’s the matter instead. Often someone just needs a bit of love and some help with some chores, and they feel much better.

Listen to yourself. Nobody can sound anything other than pathetic, miserable, attention-seeking or self-obsessed when listing all the things they’ve done, saying how tired they are or moaning about the amount of work they still have to do. If you can hear how awful you sound, you might snap out of it.

You are part of a team. Families are a bit like teams, and the whole point is to work together to support and encourage one another. Banging on about how hard you have it immediately causes a rift in the team, usually resulting in bad words in the dressing room and studded, muddy boots being thrown. Don’t. You have to work together and not compete against one another.

Cook, Cleaner, Nanny, Whore: How many jobs can a woman have?

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