in the changing room and you are forced to chase him across the accessories department wearing a grey bra and fraying knickers. Take him to the park instead, and keep the shopping for when he crashes out afterwards.
Shop quickly. If a sleep is out of the question and you have to bring your little darling along, then for heaven’s sake do it fast. This is not a time for window-shopping, browsing the sale rails or buying your entire autumn wardrobe. Just go in, get what you need, and get out FAST.
Leave plenty of time. Now then, having said all that about speed, there are occasions where you can turn a quick shopping trip into a half-day expedition, provided you leave yourself lots of extra time for child-orientated delays. These include nappy changes, walking at a snail’s pace to examine every stick, cigarette end and elastic band, going up and down the escalator five times, chasing some pigeons, falling over and crying several times and stopping to chat to lots of friendly old ladies who want to say ‘Ahhh, aren’t you a clever boy!’ If you are in no rush this can all be a lot of fun, because rather than getting in the way of what you are trying to do, all of this slowness is the activity itself.
Promise a treat. Some people would call this bribery but I prefer to see it as necessary motivation and positive reinforcement. You have to stick to your word, though, or you are a dishonest, mean woman and deserve never to be trusted again. If she’s been good, get her that box of raisins or there’ll be hell to pay.
Have a snack to hand. There’s an old Chinese proverb that goes: ‘Child who snacks on something in buggy is happy; child who has nothing is pain in the arse.’ Or something like that. It shouldn’t be a doughnut or a chocolate bar (‘Child who eats lots of fatty food becomes obese’…but that’s for another chapter) and I usually rely on breadsticks, grapes and raisins to keep mine happy while I whiz around the aisles. Always have fresh supplies in your huge bag.
Do something for them. Of course, there are many times when kids just have to come along while you go to the shops because you have chores to do and they have nowhere else to go. If you build enough child-centred activities into your itinerary (e.g. going to the library between Boots and Sainsbury’s, feeding the ducks before going to the bank, etc.) it makes it more bearable for both of you.
Involve your child. It’s amazing how few parents ask their kids to help out while they shop. Even simple tasks like getting a basket or putting some carrots in a bag can make a child really happy and proud of his achievements. Sure it takes ages and he gets all the shitty carrots which you have to put back, but so what? At least you are doing something together, rather than him sitting there, disconnected from your frenzied activities above his head.
Go with a friend. This can go either way: either your kids keep each other amused and happy while you mums have a great time shopping and chatting and showing the world how wonderfully behaved your kids are, or the little blighters see this as an opportunity for some devilish schemes and naughtiness, resulting in both of them getting lost or crashing into a huge display of suncreams in Superdrug. If you shop with a friend it is vital not to get carried away with your idle gossip and moaning about your partners and to remember that you still have your kids to keep an eye on. Hang on—where’s the little tyke gone…?
Make up games. In a moment of sheer Motherhood Madness I made up a ‘Tesco Quiz’ a few years ago when I had to take all three of my kids shopping with me, and it was fantastic. I just spent about ten minutes thinking up all kinds of questions for all age groups: e.g. How much are cucumbers? If I bought three, how much change would I get from £5? What is to the left of Marmite? How heavy is the biggest box of cornflakes? And so on. It was sickeningly worthy of me, but it made the whole trip enjoyable and stress-free. I saved the quiz on the computer and can easily update it any time I like. OK, I never have, but I could if I wanted to!
The key thing to remember when shopping with children is that, in general, they don’t enjoy it as much as you do and it’s not something they should be made to do more than is necessary. Those embarrassing checkout tantrums happen because kids are bored to death, feel ignored and want some attention. Amazingly, lying on the floor kicking and screaming seems to get your attention very quickly. Ooh, they are clever.
Not In My House: Banning certain foods and drinks
Every family I know has its Not In My House list. For my vegetarian friends this obviously consists of meat, fish, and any dairy if they are being extra vigilant, and for others its Sunny Delight, beef, Ribena, reconstituted cheese, Cheerios, chocolate (eek—not spending much time there!) or whatever else they deem to be Out of Bounds.
There are many reasons why you might want to add something to your Not In My House list, and here are just a few you might encounter:
Allergies. Obviously. If anyone in your household is allergic or intolerant to certain foods then it’s an absolute must to keep the contents of your larder under strict supervision and to make sure everybody sticks to the rules.
Good Health. When you are trying desperately to keep your family healthy and ‘crap-free’, this is where all the ‘no sugared cereals, no chocolate, no sweets, no fizzy drinks, no processed foods, no additives, no salt…’ and so on comes in. The more you can think like this, the easier it will be to avoid obesity, rotten teeth or scurvy. It is possible to go overboard, however. A house with no bad things in it at all is in danger of becoming a house of No Fun, and that’s not where you want your kids to grow up, is it? Remove even seventy per cent of the junk and you are already doing a fantastic job—what harm is the odd processed, sticky cheese string going to do?
You are on a diet. This is a tricky one. If you are trying to shed a few pounds of unwanted, post-holiday love handles and you find that living in a house full of choc-chip cookies and Sugar Pops makes this less than easy, then banning anything with more than 20 calories and 0.1 grams of fat might seem like a good idea. It isn’t. It will just make you crave any food that actually tastes like something, and make the rest of your family grouchy and hungry too. Kids—and husbands, in my experience—need to eat a lot, and clearing the cupboards of all the potentially fat-making stuff is not an option for a family. It is possible to compromise, however, and there’s nothing wrong with giving the whole family a month off sugary cereals and choc-chip cookies but keeping the occasional bowl of nachos. It might be the start of a new, healthier lifestyle for you all.
Keeping up with the very healthy Joneses. This is more of an issue in some areas than in others. Where I live the level of interfamily comparison isn’t as bad as I know it to be elsewhere (West London being one example, where everything is fresh, wild, organic and bloody expensive, as far as I can tell). But just from what I hear when my kids go to a friend’s house for tea I know who has fishfingers on a regular basis and who is more likely to have home-made organic falafel and freshly baked pitta bread. Consequently, when I have other children round to my house for tea I make a concerted effort to cook something
