Pastures New. Julia Williams
on I got more nervous about the bike, and kept hoping he would grow out of it – especially when Josh came along.’
‘But he didn’t?’ prompted Ben.
‘No, he didn’t,’ said Amy. ‘More’s the pity. If he had, he’d still be here …’ She trailed off. Was it ever going to be easy to tell this story?
‘… Anyway, to cut to the chase. He came off it one day. They said he died instantly, which was something of a comfort. I haven’t gone near a motorbike since. And I certainly won’t let Josh near one.’
‘So when I let him climb on my bike …’ began Ben.
‘… I went off at the deep end,’ finished Amy. ‘Oh God, I feel such a fool. You weren’t to know.’
‘Don’t even think about it for a second,’ said Ben. ‘I was cross because I thought you didn’t trust me with Josh.’
‘Oh God, no,’ said Amy. ‘Of course I do. Despite being the most neurotic mother in the universe, I do recognise it’s good for him to have male role models.’
‘I think you’re more entitled than most to be a neurotic mum,’ said Ben. ‘And you’re not that bad. You should see some of my patients. I’ve got one woman who comes in every week with her baby. So far it’s had asthma, peanut allergies and a haematoma. I keep telling her the baby is fine. And still she comes.’
‘That makes me feels so much better,’ laughed Amy. ‘I didn’t want you thinking I was the madwoman on the allotments.’
‘Far from it,’ Ben assured her. ‘You’ve had a rough time. I don’t want to intrude, but have you ever had counselling or anything? It can help sometimes.’
Amy pulled a face.
‘I did go and see someone for a while, but, well, I don’t know … It helped to talk about Jamie. And you get to the point when you think you’re boring people, so it was nice to offload on a total stranger. But then it seemed a bit pointless, after a while. No amount of talking will ever bring him back.’
She looked so sad as she said this that Ben had to resist an overwhelming urge to take her in his arms. But he knew that resist he must. It was clear Amy was a long way from getting over Jamie.
‘Sorry,’ Amy said. ‘I shouldn’t go on about it so much. Really, it’s fine. And things are much better since I’ve been here.’
‘I don’t think you should be sorry about anything,’ said Ben. ‘Grieving isn’t a finite process. And however hard you bury it, it has a habit of resurfacing. I should know.’
He paused, as if he were about to say something else, and Amy looked at him expectantly.
‘Oh?’ she said.
‘Oh, I’ve seen it happen to many of my patients,’ said Ben. He had been on the verge of confiding in her about Sarah, but thought better of it. Amy had enough troubles of her own. She didn’t need to be burdened with his problems. ‘All the clichés are true, you know: time is a great healer, things do get better. But any time you want to talk, you know where I am.’
‘That’s really kind of you,’ said Amy. ‘You don’t know how much better that makes me feel.’
‘My pleasure,’ said Ben, smiling. ‘I’d best be off now. I’ve got surgery in a minute.’
‘Go on,’ said Amy. ‘We don’t want to keep the good folk of Nevermorewell waiting.’
Ben laughed and, whistling to Meg, who had wandered off and was rooting about in the bushes, he left Amy sitting there. He cast a look back as he made his way out of the graveyard. She seemed so lonely and fragile. He just wished there was a way of making her happy once and for all.
Saffron was fuming. Sodding Gerry had been supposed to have the kids the previous weekend, and he had let them down again. Something to do with his mum, he said, but Saffron suspected it was more to do with her replacement in Gerry’s bed – the third leggy blonde he had been with since leaving Saffron, who was definitely not the childrearing type. The net result was that Becky had sobbed herself to sleep for the previous two nights and Matt had wet the bed again – something he always did at the slightest introduction of emotional stress.
All of which had put paid to Saffron’s best-laid plans in the bedroom department, which hadn’t been helped by her attempt to introduce Pump Up Your Volume Potion. She had managed to spill it all over a towel, and discovering that it stained everything a rather delicate shade of pink, Saffron had ended up chucking it away. She hadn’t dared try the Licked Up Love Juice. Lord alone knew what that would do.
Gerry really was the limit, and he had just rung up to say airily that he couldn’t have them for the next two weekends either because of work commitments, and did she mind explaining. When she had told him he could tell them himself, he had just got cross and said that as usual she was being unreasonable. Unable to cope with his idiotic intransigence any longer, she had simply put the phone down on him. The guy was a total moron. She couldn’t imagine now what she had ever seen in him.
A ring at the door heralded Amy, swiftly followed by Saffron’s mum, Elizabeth (after whom Ellie was named), who had come to babysit. Elizabeth had high Gerry Alert Antennae, and promptly asked what That Man had done now. When Saffron told them both, trying to make it appear funnier than it was, they spent the next ten minutes devising ways of punishing Gerry, mostly involving his genitalia and lots of boiling oil. As a result, when she and Amy finally left the house, Saffron was feeling much better.
‘Sorry about that,’ she said. ‘Gerry always has that effect on me. Does your ex do the same to you?’
With a shock, Amy realised that she hadn’t got round to telling Saffron the true state of affairs in her home. She had kind of been relying on Josh to do it for her. He had a tendency to announce rather matter-of-factly to perfect strangers that his daddy was in heaven with baby Jesus.
‘Oh, I thought Harry or Ben might have told you,’ she said. ‘I don’t have an ex. Jamie – that’s Josh’s dad – died two years ago.’
‘Oh lord, I am so sorry,’ said Saffron, her hand going to her mouth. ‘And there’s me ranting on about my little worries – I’m always putting my foot in it.’
‘Please don’t worry,’ said Amy. ‘I should have told you sooner. It’s just not a very easy thing to say sometimes.’
‘I’m sure it isn’t,’ said Saffron. ‘Bloody hell, Amy. That’s awful. How on earth do you cope? You always seem so incredibly together.’
‘I’m better since I’ve been here,’ said Amy. ‘But there are times when I think I’ll never get over it. I always felt like Jamie was my soul mate. I was only nineteen when we met. He was older – twenty-four. Neither of us had dads – mine left years ago, and his died when he was young – so it brought us together. And apart from my brother, I have no family here, so we became everything to each other. Jamie and Amy – “the rhyming couple” was what my mother-in-law always called us. I thought we’d be together forever …’
Saffron shivered, thinking of how she would feel if something happened to Pete. She couldn’t imagine life without him. It didn’t bear thinking about.
‘Have you ever thought you might meet someone else?’ she asked gently.
Amy shook her head. ‘I really couldn’t imagine it,’ she said simply. ‘I just can’t see how anyone else would match up. Maybe I’ll feel differently one day, but not now.’
‘Oh Amy, that’s so sad!’ said Saffron. ‘I wish I could do something to make it better.’
‘You already have,’ said Amy, taking her arm. ‘You’ve given me a chance of a new start, and been a good friend to me already. It’s all right really, I am so much