Positive Thinking: Everything you have always known about positive thinking but were afraid to put into practice. Vera Peiffer
THE PATRONISER’S GOOD POINTS
The Patroniser is often truly knowledgeable and genuinely interested in helping others.
THE PATRONISER’S PROBLEM POINTS
The Patroniser tends to be rigid in his outlook. Often, the opinions held have been developed early in life and have not been checked against reality since. Patronisers can be a bit old-fashioned and are part of that group of people who still think that the microchip is a by-product of the recession for potato farmers.
Patronisers are so sure of their opinions that they tend to deliver sermons rather than enter into a dialogue with others. Patronisers are also not aware that they are hurting other people’s feelings (‘It’s only for your own good!’) when they are so harshly criticising them, and that makes them unpopular because people either dislike or fear them.
THE PATRONISER’S INNER STATE
Rigid opinions are a sign of fundamental insecurity. If the world seems a frightening and confusing place, then a rigid thought structure can provide a sort of safety rail to cling to. This rigidity, though, has its drawbacks. Bridges and even skyscrapers are built so that they can sway slightly in a very strong wind, and it is precisely this flexibility that prevents them from collapsing in a storm. The same is true for people. It is the ones that are able to adapt to new situations that fare best.
Patronisers tend to waste a lot of energy resisting change and sometimes miss out on opportunities that could be to their advantage, simply because they do not fit into their concepts and therefore frighten them (‘I’m not having any of these new-fangled computers in my office, thank you very much!’).
The Mouse
The Mouse is a walking apology. Even nowadays they are mostly women, and Mice feel that they have to apologise for having been born and if they had their own way, their gravestones would say ‘Excuse my dust’.
Mice are afraid that they are in the way or that they are causing inconvenience to others. They will wait for half an hour for two shop assistants to finish their chat rather than draw attention to themselves.
The Mouse hovers a lot, in every respect. She hovers to wait on her family, she hovers for her boss to call her in for dictation, she hovers when she is asked for her opinion because she feels unable to come down on one or the other side of the fence. Even if a Mouse tried to sit on the fence, she would probably fall off it, so sure is she that she is useless (and as we know by now, if you think you are useless you will eventually become useless).
Mice are not necessarily popular because their readiness to oblige is often considered stupidity, and their constant apologies make people fed up with them rather than like them. The word ‘no’ might just as well not exist for Mice because they would not dream of uttering it, ever.
THE MOUSE’S GOOD POINTS
The Mouse is helpful, considerate and a great comfort to people in need. The Mouse usually has a lot of compassion for others (which, however, is not the same thing as insight), and shows untiring support for those who are ill or disadvantaged in any way. Little old ladies refer to the Mouse as an ‘angel’.
With people needing help the Mouse feels safe and develops skills that come as a pleasant surprise to herself and others. As these points are advantageous to others, they are usually promoted as desirable.
It has to be emphasised, though, that if helpful behaviour is carried out in a self-effacing way, without considering one’s own health or well-being, then it ceases to be positive and starts to become self-destructive.
THE MOUSE’S PROBLEM POINTS
It is easy for stronger personalities to take advantage of Mice. Their inability to say ‘no’ and strong sense of duty towards others make it practically impossible for them to avoid unreasonable demands.
Mice are not necessarily liked for their helpful ways, and others often become annoyed at their non-committal hovering. Appreciation is therefore not always forthcoming for any good deeds the Mouse has done.
THE MOUSE’S INNER STATE
Inside, the Mouse is much more complex than is apparent from the outside. Inside, there is turmoil and upheaval, because somewhere in there is an ‘I’ that wants to come out, that has needs and urges that have been dutifully repressed for years.
A great need for appreciation and recognition drives the Mouse to more and more good deeds and selfless acts, and if this is not praised sufficiently by others, the Mouse becomes frustrated, and this drives him or her to even more selfless acts, sometimes virtually pursuing others to off-load good deeds on to them for a potential reward of recognition. If this is not forthcoming, the Mouse feels angry, but as anger is a forbidden feeling for an angel, it has to be suppressed and the little ‘I’ becomes even smaller. The Mouse is prone to exhaustion and nervous illnesses from suppressed feelings and wishes.
The Martyr
The Martyr (another mainly female trait of personality) will tell everyone how weak she is, when really, underneath it all, she is as strong as an ox. Martyrs have great stamina and determination and put all their energy into getting their own way and absolute attention from everyone around them because it is attention they feel they need, deserve and have a right to. They will dwell on how they unselfishly lent you a fiver three years ago and demand eternal gratitude for this generous act.
Although Martyrs seem to use others mainly as an audience, they are dependent on other people providing them with self-esteem. Attaining a sense of importance and self-respect through others is their main (unconscious or conscious) aim in life, and they make sure they get it. They are reasonably knowledgeable about illnesses and their symptoms and keep you posted at all times on their state of health, which, needless to say, is always poor or gives cause for worry.
Mothers sometimes employ this behaviour as emotional blackmail in order to prevent their only child from leaving the parental home for good or from going out in the evening and developing some sort of private life. The moment the daughter or son reaches for the door handle, up comes mother’s hand over her heart, and, with a crooked but brave little smile, she’ll wish her child a pleasant evening, but the message really is, ‘Do go out, by all means! It doesn’t matter if I have a heart attack while you’re out having fun’. If the child is a Mouse, he or she will be unable to ignore these signals and stay at home.
The true challenge occurs when two Martyrs meet. The conversation will become very intense and quickly develop into a verbal duel about who is sicker, who has had the most severe illness and the greatest number of operations (‘The surgeon couldn’t believe how anyone can survive with a gallstone that size!’). Both are mostly speaking at the same time and not really listening to what the other person is saying because they are too busy trying to remember details of their illnesses in order to triumph over their opponent.
THE MARTYR’S GOOD POINTS
The Martyr has high levels of energy and determination. Unfortunately, they are misdirected.
THE MARTYR’S PROBLEM POINTS
The Martyr attracts the Mouse. It is like a sadist-masochist relationship: the Martyr moans, the Mouse listens in awe and feels needed.
Other people will tend to stay away from the Martyr because there is only so much lamentation you can take. When people stop coming