You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan
outside the EEA, he may need to apply for an International Driving Permit (IDP). This will be issued if he has a full driving licence, and can be purchased from major post offices or through motoring organisations such as the AA or RAC.
How often should I let my child borrow my car?
This is an individual choice and must be negotiated on the basis of demand for the family car. While it may make sense for your child to get himself to and from various activities, thereby freeing up your time, if you find yourself stranded without transportation, it’s bound to breed resentment. Sensible ground rules for driving the family car include paying for their own petrol, contributing to the insurance (which is bound to increase with a new driver) and always asking permission.
At what age can children sit in the front passenger seat?
Over the age of three and with the appropriate child restraints, any child can sit in the front passenger seat. New car seat regulations may mean that your child will need a booster seat if he’s under twelve and/or small for his age. Anyone who sits in the front seat must wear a seat belt by law. It’s worth remembering that airbags can cause injuries to younger children, so if there is room in the back seat, make that your first choice. Drivers are legally responsible for making sure that children under fourteen years use seat belts or child restraints.
When should children be responsible for buying their own clothes?
It’s a good idea to start young in terms of clothing purchases and to up the expectations slowly. First of all, if your child has trouble (like most children) sorting out the difference between ‘wants’ and ‘needs’, you can, early on, suggest that you will purchase the necessities (underwear, one or two serviceable pairs of shoes and basic required clothing for school and/or sports). If he claims he ‘needs’ something above and beyond the obvious necessities, you can suggest either that he saves or works to pay for it himself, or that you will go half-and-half. This soon sorts out what is important, as he’s not going to pay up for something whimsical.
What about a clothing allowance?
In terms of having full control over clothing purchases, many parents give a clothing allowance from the age of about fourteen or fifteen. Parents still may purchase agreed necessities for school or sports, but everything else remains the child’s responsibility. This teaches a number of lessons, such as budgeting and shopping for value. If your child blows her entire allowance on one item, she’ll learn the hard way that she won’t have money for other things she needs, including necessities. She will also have to learn to weigh up what she really needs – whether she wants three pairs of bargain jeans (lots of clothes) or one quite nice pair. Furthermore, if your child knows there is only so much to spend on clothes, she’ll learn to hunt out bargains and become a more effective shopper.
That doesn’t mean you have to leave your child floundering in the dark about shopping once he or she has been given this responsibility. Offer guidance wherever possible, without being overly critical. You may not particularly like what your child has purchased with his or her money, but as long as it falls within the boundaries of decency, you may just have to accept it as a means of self-expression. Talk to your child about his or her purchases – is it good quality? Did he or she spend too much? Is it good value for money? Offer guidance without criticism.
How should I help my child learn to shop effectively?
Encourage your child to try on clothing in his wardrobe before hitting the shops. Many kids forget about clothes buried at the back and replace them with almost identical items. Help him to make a list, so that he is aware of how far his money needs to stretch.
What is a reasonable clothing allowance to give my child?
There is only one way to work this out. Sit down with your child and discuss what he or she needs for school, social activities, sports and anything else. Your interpretation of needs will undoubtedly vary considerably from your child’s, so bear this in mind! Work out what you think you should pay for as a matter of course. The most important consideration, however, is your family budget. You can only give what you can afford. If you bargain-hunt for your children’s clothing and purchase things in lower-priced venues, a clothing allowance should not be seen as a free ticket to designer ranges. Like you, your child will need to work within a budget, regardless of what his friends are given or get. Work out what you would normally spend, and use that as the basis for an agreement. You might want to add in a little extra so that he or she can afford the odd ‘treat’. Ultimately, however, if your child wants more expensive clothing, outside your budget, he or she will have to find the means by which to earn some money.
The good news is that it is perfectly possible to get good-quality clothing at reasonable prices, if your child is prepared to invest the time in shopping sensibly. If he blows it all on a shirt from Prada, he can wear his old trainers and jeans for the rest of the season.
‘You’re not going out wearing that!’ What if I don’t think my child is suitably dressed?
It is not advisable to engage in clothing style wars. Children use clothing to present themselves to the world, to express their tastes and interests, to show their individuality. While you may not approve of various elements of the way he or she dresses, if it isn’t completely unsuitable, it is better if you stay mum. Kids make fashion mistakes just like adults do, and we need to allow them the freedom to do so. If you come down hard on your child’s personal style, he’ll be more likely to dig in his heels, and perhaps wear something even more outlandish next time, just to test the boundaries and your shock threshold.
Are there any boundaries?
That is not to say that you can’t establish certain boundaries. For example, clothing worn to school must follow the school dress code, as should uniforms or kit required for various activities. On weekends and in free time, your child can have the freedom to choose what he or she likes, but make it clear when you think something goes beyond the boundaries of good taste – revealing breasts, for example, is not ideal for a young girl, nor is wearing something that you think is derogatory towards other cultures, too sexual in nature or promotes illegal activity such as drug-taking (slogans on printed T-shirts, for example).
But make sure you are up on the trends. Flick through teen magazines to see what kids are wearing and visit some shops to see what’s on sale. More importantly, look around. If 90 per cent of the kids are wearing the same gear, chances are it’s the current trend, and therefore part of kid/street culture. There is absolutely no point in denying your child clothing that is deemed acceptable by the vast majority, but if it’s rude, offensive or too revealing, you are well within your rights to defend your position – on safety grounds, of course!
All my child’s friends wear designer clothes and we can’t afford it. How can we get the message across?
This is a common battle in many households and it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. A discussion about family finances and limited budgets is a good starting point. Furthermore, explain your value system – that you may have chosen, for example, to pay off your mortgage, have nice family holidays or pay for education rather than spend money on expensive clothing. In this way you can teach your child some important lessons about budgeting, and prioritising spending.
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