You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan
how do we make these decisions? As parents we have a responsibility and, indeed, an innate desire to raise happy, healthy, responsible children, and to invest in them the skills, morals, values and common sense that will take them into adulthood. On one shoulder we carry the weight of this responsibility, and on the other, an overwhelming catalogue of adolescent propaganda.
Consider, too, the fact that our children change dramatically – emotionally and physically – as they grow. It takes a savvy parent to understand and stay on top of their changing needs, and the developmental milestones reached at various stages. We want to support these changes, and encourage healthy growth and development without appearing to be intrusive or controlling. Most tweenies and adolescents become less open about their emotions, their bodies and even their social lives, hopes and concerns as they grow older. It’s difficult for parents to know what to expect and when, and at what stage a little input, guidance or even discouragement is required. For example, when do girls normally begin to menstruate and at what age are tampons appropriate? Does a 12-year-old boy need to wear deodorant? And is a nighttime shower or bath strictly necessary? When do teens reach their adult height, and do big feet mean that a child will be tall? At what age can kids drink tea and coffee? Do teenagers need vitamin supplements? When does a boy’s voice begin to change? Is a withdrawn adolescent taking drugs or suffering from depression, or is her behaviour normal? Is teen faddy eating a sign of an eating disorder or to be expected? Should we worry if a child wants a lock on his or her bedroom door?
And what about independence and moral issues? Is it normal for a teenage boy to have pornographic magazines under his bed? Should a girl be allowed to change her name or her religion? Should we turn a blind eye when they experiment with alcohol or drugs? Should we allow them to ride a bike home in the dark or make their own way home from a party? When should we stop expecting to be told exactly what they are doing, when and with whom? What is an appropriate curfew? How much pocket money is fair, and should we expect our children to earn it? Are household chores a child’s responsibility, and what do we do about a perpetually messy bedroom? Should we oversee their homework, allow them to use calculators, or crib from the computer? Should they have their own computers or TVs, enter chatrooms, own mobile telephones and set their own bedtimes? If children really want to leave school, can we stop them?
The list of potential battlegrounds is staggering, and the issues surrounding almost every area of our children’s lives are confusing. We are, as a whole, a more liberal and tolerant society, and today’s children are treated very differently from the way we or our parents were treated as children. That’s not to say that we are necessarily more permissive; indeed, studies show that due to fears about abduction, accidents, paedophiles and other potential dangers, we are much less likely to allow our children to do things on their own, and less likely to encourage independence. We drive them to school and to their activities, and we are reluctant to allow children the freedom to play outside or to travel alone.
But contrast this with the obvious ‘adultification’ of childhood, and the irony of the situation must be evident to all parents. How can we keep reins on children who are worldly wise beyond their years and have expectations that far exceed their age? How can we curb a growing need for independence when we are fearful for their safety? How can we uphold our own beliefs and moral values when our children are bludgeoned with alternatives via the media and their peer group? How can we encourage our children to be children for as long as possible in a society that promotes the opposite?
Growing up too soon
One of the side effects of our modern have-it-now, 24/7 society is that children have been drawn in on the act. No longer content to wait until the appropriate age for certain activities, clothing, possessions and levels of freedom, today’s children expect to be (and often are) treated as miniature adults, complete with miniature versions of everything adult. With this comes inevitable responsibility and a need for acquisition; the majority of children are too young and immature to deal with either responsibility or acquisitiveness.
Learning the art of patience is an important part of childhood. Childhood and adolescence are marked by other rites of passage – understanding the rewards of a job well done, a lesson learned and a privilege earned – which should be experienced at appropriate stages through the years. Children find it difficult to wait for the moment when their power is increased. When they are six, they can’t wait to be seven; when they are ten, they can’t wait to go to ‘big school’; when they are sixteen, they can’t wait to get their driving licence, have some freedom and go out alone with friends. This sort of impatience is normal and even healthy, but children need to learn to wait for each of the stages, and to feel a sense of pride as they reach these milestones.
Today, everything is pushed on more quickly. Children start school at an earlier age and learn to read earlier. Sporting activities at weekends are organised with ‘adult’ equipment, and some sports teams even go on overseas tours. Children have CD and DVD players and all the latest games; they wear mini-Calvin Klein and Paul Smith; they have mobile telephones and their own computers. Advertising encourages them to look and be seductive and cool; young girls dress in the same style as their heroines – pop stars and celebrities – many of whom are scantily dressed and earning money by being overtly sexy. The inevitable question is, ‘What next?’ How can a child who has already toured Europe with his football team be satisfied with playing for his school or in the park with his brother? How can a child who is bombarded with sexual messages through the media be content to hold hands at a school dance?
The pressure on children to grow up more quickly tends also to suit our modern style of parenting. If we treat our children as if they were older, dress them as if they were older and push them on to achieve things at an increasingly early age, we can justifiably expect ‘adult’ behaviour.
There are several other problems with the ‘adultification’ of childhood. The first is the boredom factor. Many children now complain of being bored, largely because there is very little to look forward to in terms of personal goals. They have ‘been there, done that’. They travel, eat out, wear designer clothes and have all the trappings that matter. They perform in ambitious school productions, take part in international sports events, surf the internet and set up e-mail accounts on their own, have their pocket money paid into their own bank accounts, make their own arrangements via mobile phone and use their considerable purchasing power to buy whatever they want.
When children are exposed to an increasing number of experiences at an early age, they become bored with routine activities. They require greater stimulation and excitement to keep them satisfied. What fun can be had in the park with your parents, when you are used to watching satellite TV in your room with your mates? How boring a day trip to the seaside will seem after a two-week holiday in Florida. Who wants to watch a U-rated film, when you’ve seen an adult-rated movie with your friends?
This adult lifestyle is an assault on young and impressionable bodies and minds. What’s more, many children are being left to make the transition from child to adult on their own. Many children come home to an empty house and have to organise their own time structure and make their own meals. Most are allowed to choose their own entertainment and this often means that they are subjected to conflicting messages on a regular basis. A vast industry has built up around consumption by children and an ever-increasing amount of advertising is directed at them. Advertisers use the media, primarily television, to convince children that they need a whole host of possessions in order to reach the status of ‘cool’ and to be happy.
Television also provides children with experiences of violence, sexuality, broken relationships and inappropriate mentors. Even children who are at home with parents during the day and after school have unhealthy pressures placed upon them by the various media, including television. Children in the USA spend an average of 38 hours a week exposed to media outside of school; by the time they reach the age of eleven, the average child will have witnessed more than 100,000 acts of violence on TV. Children may be exposed to as many as five violent acts per hour during prime time and an average of 26 violent acts per hour during Saturday morning children’s programmes. And that’s just violence.
There is a similar problem with sexual imagery, with teenage starlets paraded regularly in the media in sexy, adult clothing. Sexual precocity is evident