You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan
the increase in the Western world. If children have seen it all on screen or heard it all in the lyrics of a pop song, what’s to stop them trying it out for themselves? Why should they bother waiting?
Ignoring or disregarding the vital sequential steps in a child’s development can have serious consequences. Children are confronted with decision-making before they have the necessary emotional or psychological tools; they are entrusted with obligations, possessions and responsibility that make them feel more independent and adult, but which may be too much to bear.
This, of course, puts more pressure on parents. Kids want things sooner and they expect freedoms, possessions, activities and independence that are often inappropriate. Most parents have a grudging sense that the demands they face regularly are at odds with what they intrinsically believe is right, appropriate, normal and moral. This is not, of course, a new problem facing parents, as children have, for generations, always wanted a little more than parents think is appropriate; however, the wealth of external influences on our children make it far more difficult to create and maintain a family policy. In a nutshell, we are in constant battle with the unknown and the ever-changing.
Different strokes
There will be class, religious, geographical and cultural elements that will affect the way you choose to raise your children. What is appropriate for an inner-city child may not be right for someone from the deepest part of the countryside. A child who grows up on a farm may be given plenty of responsibility, but would not have the street savvy of a child from a big city. So the rural child may be mowing the lawn or driving a harvest combiner at the age of ten, but may be out of his depth on the Underground railway system or on city streets. Conversely, a city kid may cope well with independence involving travelling alone, negotiating a map and dealing with street violence, but would probably risk cutting off a toe if handed a lawnmower too soon. These are factors that every parent must take into consideration.
What children need
In order to thrive physically and emotionally, children require boundaries – guidelines that will undoubtedly be tested, often on a daily basis as they move out of childhood and towards adulthood – and they need a consistent approach to discipline. They also, however, require independence as they grow older, room to make their own mistakes and freedom to explore the world around them. In essence, children need wings to soar out into the world, but a healthy dose of common sense and a structured environment to anchor them when required.
Research tells us that, far from spending less time with our children, today’s parents take the job very seriously. According to a study entitled ‘The Changing Face of Childhood’, undertaken by the Future Foundation in the UK, children enjoy significantly more quality time with their parents than children of 30 years ago, with children’s views today being taken into account in the household and parents aspiring to do a better job than their own parents did. Researchers claim that we have become a generation of super parents who devote almost all our time away from work to our offspring. Typically, parents today spend 99 minutes a day with children under sixteen, compared with just 25 minutes in 1975.
‘In the 1970s, the hours at home were spent on household labour, and children were typically left to spend their time outdoors with friends in unstructured play, and to get to and from school by themselves,’ said Meabh Quoirin, head of business development at the Future Foundation.
‘Today’s parents are making the choice to engage with their children far more, taking them on outings, helping them with their homework, joining in their activities and just playing with them more. They are willing to put considerable effort into their relationships with their children and we see an increasingly professionalised approach to bringing them up.’
There can be no doubt that this increased input in our children’s lives will have a positive impact. A long-term Canadian study found that a positive relationship with parents was associated with less bullying, smoking, alcohol and drug use, and less frequent affiliation with deviant peers who engage in substance abuse. It predicted higher self-esteem and fewer internalising problems. Moreover, youths who reported positive relationships with their parents were more likely to report increased school identification and commitment to education, and were less likely to take risks (i.e. to not use a bike helmet and seat belt). It’s clear, therefore, that the quality of the relationship we have with our children is a huge predictor of their overall well-being on many levels.
But that, in essence, compounds the problem. As parents we wish to be there for our children, to be welcoming, accepting, open and communicative in order to establish a healthy relationship. Yet too many parents confuse a good relationship with giving in to demands, and allowing inappropriate freedoms in order to avoid disharmony. We want our children to have high self-esteem, so we grant them privileges and praise them regardless of whether either has been earned. While it is evident that a good relationship can encourage good behaviour, it is also clear that this relationship must be based on sound parenting, reasonable discipline, realistic expectations and mutual respect.
Giving in to demands does not encourage respect, nor does it teach our children self-respect. It is not easy to lay down the law, just as it is equally pointless to lay down too many laws. Every family has to evaluate what is most important to them before setting rules and establishing a code of expected behaviour. As the phrase goes, ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, and nothing can be more true when dealing with tweenies and teens. If you get yourself into a regular lather about every aspect of your child’s behaviour, plans, perceived needs and demands, and set out to control it all, chances are the relationship will suffer and you’ll encourage rebellion. Work out what is most important to you, and be prepared to offer realistic reasons for your expectations and rules.
THE IMPACT OF PARENTING STYLES
The theory of parenting styles developed from the work of American psychologist Diana Baumrind and other researchers in child development. They studied children who had the qualities most of us would want in our own children: independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement orientation. The researchers then interviewed the parents of these children to ascertain which elements of parenting fostered these qualities. They identified two important ingredients: firstly, responsiveness or warmth and supportiveness; and secondly, demandingness or behavioural control. Descriptions of four styles of parenting are based on these elements.
Authoritarian
Authoritarian or extremely strict parents are highly controlling. They dictate how their children should behave, and stress obedience to authority and discourage discussion. These parents are demanding and directive, they expect their orders to be obeyed and do not encourage give–and-take. They have low levels of sensitivity and do not expect their children to disagree with their decisions.
Authoritative
Authoritative or moderate parents set limits and rely on natural consequences to help children learn by making their own mistakes. Authoritative parents explain why rules are important and why they must be followed. They reason with their children and consider the children’s point of view even though they might not agree. These parents are firm, with kindness, warmth and love. They set high standards and encourage children to be independent.
Permissive
Permissive or indulgent parents are accepting and warm but exert little control. They do not set limits and allow children to set their own rules, schedules and activities. They do not demand the high levels of behaviour required by authoritarian or authoritative parents.
Uninvolved
Uninvolved parents demand little and respond minimally to their offspring. In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail neglect and rejection.
Research has found that the most well-adjusted children, particularly in terms of social competence, had parents with an authoritative, moderate parenting style. These parents are able to balance clear high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for their child’s autonomy. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents have high expectations of their children and use control, but the overly strict parent expects the child to accept parental judgements unquestioningly and allows the child little freedom of expression.