A Year of Second Chances. Buffy Andrews
and opened the silver jewelry box Mike had given me the first Christmas we shared together. I retrieved the ring and slid it onto my finger. After all these years, it still fit. But unlike the ring, which had maintained its shape, our marriage had not. Somewhere between running the kids to music lessons and game practices and myriad other activities, we’d lost one another.
Sometimes I wondered if it was my fault. Mike wasn’t perfect but I wasn’t perfect either. Maybe if I had done more. But then I’d remind myself that I was the one who ran the kids everywhere – doctor and dentist and game practices and music lessons. I was the one who organized every birthday party and scout gathering, who taught Sunday school and vacation Bible school. Who helped with homework and so many science projects I considered buying stock in the company that made those trifold display boards. Even after weighing what I did against what he did, I was still willing to accept some blame, but his affair had tipped the scale. The damage was too great.
While I was taking care of our children, he was taking care of his dick. He tried to blame me. He actually said the affair was my fault.
“You were never there for me,” he’d said.
“That’s because I was taking care of your children, something you could’ve helped with.”
We’d trade jabs and eventually he knocked me out. I was tired of fighting and just wanted to move on with my life.
I went downstairs and turned on the computer. I wondered if I could find Jake online. Just as I started searching, Shonna called. “You have to read me the list!”
I read Shonna my list.
1. Marry Jake
2. Have four kids
3. Live in a big city
4. Have a career I love
5. Make lots of money
6. Eat a food I can’t pronounce
7. Learn to use chopsticks
8. Take a road trip with my bestie
9. Own a boutique
10. Run a marathon
11. Grow three more inches
12. Dance in the rain
13. Go skinny-dipping with Jake
14. Go horseback riding
15. Try something adventurous
16. Do something unexpected
“Do you remember what was on mine?” she asked.
“You had some of the same things, like take a road trip with my bestie. And, of course, marry Butch.”
Shonna laughed. “Good old Butch.”
“Do you ever think about him?” I asked. “Do you ever wonder what life would’ve been like if you had married him instead of Roger?”
Shonna sighed. “I used to a lot when I was younger, especially when Roger and I were having problems. But not so much any more. Now, when we fight, I just think how nice it would be to be single again.”
“Watch what you wish for,” I cautioned. “Being single is tough and lonely.”
“I know. I know. But tough and lonely might be better than miserable. Anyway, how about you? Ever think about Jake?”
“I have off and on over the years. Like you, whenever Mike and I would get into a big fight I’d think about Jake, who always had a gentleness about him that was comforting. I’d think Jake would’ve never done this or Jake would’ve never done that.”
I told Shonna how I’d been thinking about Jake since finding the list. “I was just about to Google his name. Maybe he’s on Facebook.”
“Try LinkedIn, too,” Shonna said.
“Good idea. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those years and relive them, you know? I mean, think if we’d known then what we know now. I might’ve done things differently. Scratch that. I definitely would’ve done things differently.”
“Like what? Not marry Mike?”
“I can’t say that. I mean, we had kids together and Tory and David have always been my world. And not all of the years were bad. Some were really great, actually. And I did love him once. Sometimes I think about what happened to us and I don’t even remember when it started to go bad. It was gradual, sort of like an eroding beach; by the time you notice the result of all the waves and currents removing the sand, there’s only a small strip left. And Mike and I just weren’t able to reclaim the beach, so to speak.”
“Sounds exactly what Roger and I are going through. Trying to bring back the sand that thundering storm waves have carried away definitely isn’t easy.”
I poured myself a cup of coffee. “We need to go on a road trip, get away from it all.”
“We definitely should.”
Suddenly I was stabbed by the reality of what I might be facing: The Big C. “That is, if I don’t have cancer.”
“Stop it,” Shonna shouted. “Think only positive thoughts. And if by some chance you do have breast cancer, we’ll go when you’re better.”
“Think Roger would let you go?” I poured some cream into my coffee and stirred it.
“Hey, he better not say a word. All those golf trips he takes with the guys.”
“You do have a point.”
“Damn right I do.”
“Since it will take some time to plan, I need to figure out which item on the list I’m going to tackle first.”
“Whoa! Back up, sister. You’re going to do the list?”
“Uh, yeah. That’s what I was thinking. I need to take charge of my life. I realized when I found the list that old dreams don’t have to die. Now that both kids are on their own I can do what I want, live where I want, become what I want. For the last twenty-four years, my life has revolved around them. Not that I’m complaining. Like I said, Tory and David are the best things that ever happened to me. But now I’m truly on my own. Even Mom and Dad are leaving me.”
“You have Muffin.”
I laughed. “Yeah, and she probably won’t be around much longer.”
“So, which item are you going to tackle first?” Shonna asked.
“Not sure. Do I tackle them in the order I wrote them? Or write the goals on slips of paper, put them in a basket and pull one at a time?”
“You could just use a random number-finder online. They’re really easy to use. First, number your list. Then type in a minimum and maximum number and hit generate. Tackle the goal that corresponds to that number.”
“Good idea. Much easier and, if I don’t like the number, I can keep hitting the generate button.”
Shonna laughed. “That’s what I’d totally do.”
“I was thinking about starting with Run a marathon, though.”
I heard Shonna laugh. “This I have to see. The last time you ran more than a mile you had braces and wore your hair in pigtails!”
“Maybe we should do it together.”
“No way, sister! I don’t like sweating. Roger’s been bugging me to learn how to play golf and I told him trying to