Songs of a Savoyard. William Schwenck Gilbert

      If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,

      Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,

      Take all the remarkable people in history,

      Rattle them off to a popular tune!

      The pluck of LORD NELSON on board of the VICTORY -

      Genius of BISMARCK devising a plan;

      The humour of FIELDING (which sounds contradictory) -

      Coolness of PAGET about to trepan -

      The grace of MOZART, that unparalleled musico -

      Wit of MACAULAY, who wrote of QUEEN ANNE -

      The pathos of PADDY, as rendered by BOUCICAULT -

      Style of the BISHOP OF SODOR AND MAN -

      The dash of a D'ORSAY, divested of quackery -

      Narrative powers of DICKENS and THACKERAY -

      VICTOR EMMANUEL – peak-haunting PEVERIL -

      THOMAS AQUINAS, and DOCTOR SACHEVERELL -

      TUPPER and TENNYSON – DANIEL DEFOE -

      ANTHONY TROLLOPE and MISTER GUIZOT!

      Take of these elements all that is fusible,

      Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,

      Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,

      And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!

      If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon,

      Get at the wealth of the CZAR (if you can) -

      The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon -

      Force of MEPHISTO pronouncing a ban -

      A smack of LORD WATERFORD, reckless and rollicky -

      Swagger of RODERICK, heading his clan -

      The keen penetration of PADDINGTON POLLAKY -

      Grace of an Odalisque on a divan -

      The genius strategic of CAESAR or HANNIBAL -

      Skill of LORD WOLSELEY in thrashing a cannibal -

      Flavour of HAMLET – the STRANGER, a touch of him -

      Little of MANFRED (but not very much of him) -

      Beadle of Burlington – RICHARDSON'S show -

      MR. MICAWBER and MADAME TUSSAUD!

      Take of these elements all that is fusible -

      Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible -

      Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,

      And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!

      The Sun, whose rays

      Are all ablaze

      With ever-living glory,

      Will not deny

      His majesty -

      He scorns to tell a story:

      He won't exclaim,

      "I blush for shame,

      So kindly be indulgent,"

      But, fierce and bold,

      In fiery gold,

      He glories all effulgent!

      I mean to rule the earth,

      As he the sky -

      We really know our worth,

      The Sun and I!

      Observe his flame,

      That placid dame,

      The Moon's Celestial Highness;

      There's not a trace

      Upon her face

      Of diffidence or shyness:

      She borrows light

      That, through the night,

      Mankind may all acclaim her!

      And, truth to tell,

      She lights up well,

      So I, for one, don't blame her!

      Ah, pray make no mistake,

      We are not shy;

      We're very wide awake,

      The Moon and I!

      When a felon's not engaged in his employment,

      Or maturing his felonious little plans,

      His capacity for innocent enjoyment

      Is just as great as any honest man's.

      Our feelings we with difficulty smother

      When constabulary duty's to be done:

      Ah, take one consideration with another,

      A policeman's lot is not a happy one!

      When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling,

      When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime,

      He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling,

      And listen to the merry village chime.

      When the coster's finished jumping on his mother,

      He loves to lie a-basking in the sun:

      Ah, take one consideration with another,

      The policeman's lot is not a happy one!

      Whene'er I poke

      Sarcastic joke

      Replete with malice spiteful,

      The people vile

      Politely smile

      And vote me quite delightful!

      Now, when a wight

      Sits up all night

      Ill-natured jokes devising,

      And all his wiles

      Are met with smiles,

      It's hard, there's no disguising!

      Oh, don't the days seem lank and long

      When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,

      And isn't your life extremely flat

      With nothing whatever to grumble at!

      When German bands,

      From music stands

      Play Wagner imperFECTly -

      I bid them go -

      They don't say no,

      But off they trot directly!

      The organ boys

      They stop their noise

      With readiness surprising,

      And grinning herds

      Of hurdy-gurds

      Retire apologising!

      Oh, don't the days seem lank and long

      When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,

      And isn't your life extremely flat

      With nothing whatever to grumble at!

      I've offered gold,

      In sums untold,

      To all who'd contradict me -

      I've said I'd pay

      A pound a day

      To any one who kicked me -

      I've bribed with toys

      Great