Eat Me: Love, Sex and the Art of Eating. Alexandra Antonioni
circumstances prevailed, although these instances are few and far between.)
Don’t get me wrong, I as much as the next girl recognise the pull of that ‘eyes across a crowded room’ moment where two people are inexplicably drawn to each other and suddenly your knickers are on fire. Raw passion, bring it on.
I know lots of people whose entire sexual raison d’être is built around casual encounters with strangers. They regularly pick up random cute, fun strangers for a one-nighter, fully aware it’s not the start of anything; indeed, in most cases, the act of copulation signifies the end. Somewhat embarrassingly, should these two bon viveurs accidentally bump into each other sometime further down the line they either ignore each other totally, or mumble a quick hello and head for the nearest exit, despite having been as close as two people can be and having shared bodily fluids.
A one-night stand is rather like eating too much junk food: good at the time, but you feel like crap afterwards.
Leaping into bed with someone too soon can kill off a potential relationship quicker than anything I know. It tends to happen at the dead of night after two people who hardly know each other share one too many cocktails. Having done the deed, one of them has to take the walk of shame as they’ve ended up on the opposite side of town from where they live and they have to be up for work/an early meeting/their kids, etc. Next morning both parties are a little fuzzy about who they were with and what happened. To quote one particular friend, ‘if you can’t remember it, it doesn’t count.’
Whilst a part of me can see the argument for uncomplicated, no-strings sex I also think if you have a great first date, or even if you’ve just met someone in a bar and you like them enough to play hide the sausage, why not get to know them a little better first?
I have a couple of girlfriends (names withheld to protect the not-so-innocent) who, frankly, would love to be in a proper relationship. They are attractive, sexy, intelligent women with great jobs and are much sought after by the opposite sex. They are actively looking for something longer term, yet they scupper every possibility of a man asking them out by dragging him home the first time they meet (in some cases quite literally dragging), having a quick bonk and then getting upset when he doesn’t call or send flowers the next day. Whaddaya expect? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
It’s my theory that all men are hunters; they enjoy the chase, it satisfies some primeval macho need within them. Equally, just as Mother Nature intended, women love being pursued. So why should we mess up this vitally important component of the courtship ritual?
Men enjoy the thrill of the chase. Conversely, women love being pursued and, come on ladies admit it, we all enjoy playing a little hard to get. So what is the point of this ‘sniff, sniff, you’re nice’ instant gratification?
One-night stands may well have their attraction, but when we are actively seeking ‘the one’ perhaps we should consider taking a little time to woo and be wooed?
I have been on more laps than a napkin.
MAE WEST
For those mornings when we crash through the front door at 6am feeling a little worse for wear due to lack of sleep, far too many cocktails and the ensuing walk of shame, here’s a little schedule that I promise will have you on your feet, at the office on time and back to your sparkling old self in the wink of an eye.
1 The very first thing that must be done once you’ve staggered through the door is to put the kettle on. Secondly, pour yourself a small glass of water, preferably at room temperature, and mix in 4 drops of milk thistle tincture and a good squeeze of lemon. Down it in one. (Funnily enough in much the same way you were downing tequila shots a few hours ago.)
2 Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil remove all clothing, including jewellery, and take a hot shower. Just before you finish, turn off the hot tap completely and blast your senses awake with 20 seconds of icy cold water. It may sound barbaric, but it works.
3 Before drying off, moisturise your entire body with baby oil (nothing makes your skin feel softer and it must be applied whilst you’re still wet), and then wrap yourself up in the biggest, fluffiest towel you possess.
4 The kettle will have boiled by now, so brew an exceptionally strong pot of coffee and rustle up two slices of toast topped with honey and mashed banana. Curl up in front of breakfast television until feelings of wellbeing return. (Caffeine, carbohydrates and potassium, found in bananas, are the holy trinity of hangover cures. Watching telly simply diverts your attention away from how crap you feel.)
5 When you feel human enough to get dressed, choose your outfit for the day carefully; make sure it’s something you feel good in, preferably tailored and razor-sharp. If at all possible avoid your usual route to work if it involves crowded buses or, worse, the tube; either walk or take a cab, stopping off on the way for a large fresh carrot and green apple juice. A little pampering and indulgence intensifies feelings of wellbeing which will in turn lessen both the hangover and any residual negative feelings resulting from the walk of shame.
Yes, I know, never again.
Down the slippery slidey slope we goWhat will we find there?God only knows!
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.
LORENZ HART
You’ve been on two or three dates and, frankly, it’s been a long time since you liked anyone this much and every time you think of him you get butterflies and, well, he’s just so wonderful.
Congratulations! You’re infatuated.
Doesn’t it feel amazing? You are seeing glimpses of the possibility, of the chance of something really special and it’s hard to stop smiling.
Welcome then to the start of the really good bit of The Beginning. You can forget all about holding back now, it’s time to take a leap of faith and go for it in every way. The brakes are off.
The sight of her face … together with the maddening fragrance of food evoked an emotion of wild tenderness and hunger in him that was unutterable.
THOMAS WOLFE
At this stage food is a major player in the game that is Lust and Seduction, despite the nausea that comes with infatuation and ensures that eating is the last thing on our minds. Our appetites wane, we have the attention span of dyslexic ducks and all we can think about is ‘Them’.
Within the hormonally-charged delirium of this as yet unfulfilled lust, food is a very powerful weapon to wield in order to communicate our desire. Can you think of anything more sensual than preparing and sharing a meal with a person you’ve got the hots for? Especially food that must be eaten à deux, preferably with fingers – all that licking and sucking is surely the culinary equivalent of pornography.
At The Beginning food is something to be nibbled on, picked at, grazed upon and fed to each other. It is provocative and sensual (thus fuelling the already highly-charged sexual tension between fledgling lovers), an instrument of nourishment not only for our bodies, but also subconsciously for feeding our ardour. The morsels upon which we feast are a suggestion of our passion.
You look puzzled. Let me explain.
There is a theory – admittedly it’s my theory – that suggests how and what we choose to eat are personal barometers for how we make love. A neat, picky, fastidious eater, strictly meat-and-two-overcooked-veg-with-no-herbs-or-seasoning type is unlikely to make love in quite the same way as a finger-licking gourmand with a weakness for exotic spices, caviar and anything with butter and garlic.
Alongside