Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life. Gael Lindenfield
well. Laughing at it or ‘giving up’ by slipping defensively into laissez-faire parenting brings only very short-term relief and does our children no favours. Almost all the advice and strategies in this book will help. In Chapter 8 there are some tips on how to help children with their guilt, too.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
JOHN STEWART, AMERICAN SATIRIST
Summary: Parental guilt
• Parental guilt is virtually inevitable for everyone who has a child.
• It arises because parents are naturally programmed to want to do this role as perfectly as possible, and perfection is unachievable for humans.
• It has increased because the contemporary world floods parents with an overwhelming amount of information, which is often contradictory, and due to the stresses of everyday life parental aspirations are often unachievable.
• Parents associate their self-worth today with their children’s successes, and this often causes additional guilt. When their children fail or commit a wrongdoing parents are commonly blamed or blame themselves.
Survivor guilt
This kind of guilt was first identified as a special type in the 1960s. It was first applied to survivors of the Vietnam War. But, of course, it did exist before that time, and is now applied to numerous kinds of survival issues. Sometimes it has a rational element and sometimes it does not. Whatever kind it is, it needs to be managed well because it can block sufferers from being able to move on from their traumatic experiences. These are the kinds of thoughts that continually chain survivors to their past:
Let’s look at some examples of people who have experienced this kind of guilt. These brief quotes illustrate how it can occur in a wide range of life situations and at any stage of life.
I felt guilty for years that maybe I should have run back and tried to get her to stay with me. Maybe I didn’t do enough to stay together. Maybe I was too selfish about saving myself.
JOSEPH, HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR
I have started to experience what I can only describe as survivor guilt. Some of my classmates were also good candidates and had similar grades, but they didn’t get a place. I have also heard about people who have applied loads of times and they didn’t get in either.
FERN, AN 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL IN HER FIRST YEAR OF A POPULAR UNIVERSITY COURSE
I felt so bad about being among the few that didn’t get made redundant. I still haven’t made contact with anyone to see how they are getting on, so the guilt is getting worse. No one expected this crash, but perhaps we should have done.
ALAN, AN INVESTMENT BANKER
He may have walked away with his life, but he has been haunted by survivor’s guilt ever since.
RELATIVE OF PETER, WHO WAS ON A PLANE THAT CRASHED, KILLING HIS FATHER AND 69 OTHERS
Mum, it should have been me. At least I have had more life.
MY 21-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER AFTER HER 19-YEAR-OLD SISTER DIED IN A CAR CRASH
He couldn’t get past it, he felt really guilty and he kept saying it should have been him that died.
SISTER OF A SOLDIER WHO WAS FOUND HANGED AFTER RETURNING FROM THE AFGHAN WAR AFTER HIS TWO BEST FRIENDS DIED
I did not feel survivor’s guilt until two years or so after my bonemarrow transplant. It took me another six months to finally pick up the phone and call my doctor to ask if other bone-marrow transplant survivors ever had these dark feelings of depression and guilt (although I would not have recognised it as guilt).
A 47-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO SUFFERED FROM LEUKAEMIA AND HAD A TRANSPLANT
The soldiers I’ve talked to involved in friendly-fire accidents that took their comrades’ lives didn’t feel regret for what happened, but raw, deep, unabashed guilt. And the guilt persisted long after they were formally investigated and ultimately exonerated.
NEW YORK TIMES WAR REPORTER
A dozen decisions that I made over the course of a two-month period could have been wrong but that didn’t occur to me at the time. Any one of those made differently may have saved his life. I am still dealing with the guilt of having cost him his life.
A RETIRED ARMY OFFICER TALKING ABOUT THE ACCIDENTAL DEATH OF ONE OF HIS SOLDIERS
All this recent unveiling of sex abuse in the past has made me think back to my own schooldays. There was a history teacher who I am sure was dodgy. He invited me a couple of times to his flat for some extra tuition. He started being different with me – friendlier, putting his arm round me. I didn’t go back. Now I am haunted by the faces of the boys who did – they were quite shy. I should have said something.
MAN IN HIS SIXTIES WHO HAS STARTED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT RAISING THE ALERT ABOUT A TEACHER AT HIS SCHOOL
Would you believe that I still get pangs of guilt about my twin Peter. I wonder if he would have made a better job out of his life than I did. My parents so much wanted a son and she couldn’t have any more after our births.
A 77-YEAR-OLD FRIEND OF MINE WHOSE TWIN DIED SOON AFTER SHE WAS BORN
Most of these people did, of course, move on with their life after their trauma. But many will have suffered with their survivor guilt for longer than they needed to. There are some tips on how to help anyone with similar issues in Chapter 8.
Summary: Survivor guilt
• Survivor guilt was first identified as a condition in the 1960s and for a long time was just applied to people who survived war traumas and felt guilty about living when others died.
• Nowadays it is increasingly accepted that anyone can feel this guilt if they have survived a major trauma of any kind while others were less fortunate.
• This guilt can seriously block sufferers from moving on with their lives.
Affluence guilt
This kind of guilt is about feeling uneasy with having a comfortable lifestyle while others do not share that privilege. It has become an increasing challenge for people in