Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life. Gael Lindenfield
in her and how much they missed her. They have apologised for not letting me know this earlier, when others did come to see me and send cards. They say, or imply, that they have felt guilty ever since. What a shame that they were unnecessarily troubled internally for so long with this bad feeling. Their ‘wrongdoing’ was so understandable and forgivable.
Festering inner guilt does our mental health no favours. It eats away at our self-esteem and makes us more prone to anxiety. It can also cause people to behave in inappropriate ways. For example, a person who is having (or has had) an affair will often take out their tension on the family whom they love and don’t want to desert. Or they may do the opposite and overcompensate by spoiling the children and even the spouse they are cheating on.
The longer we leave suppressed guilt locked away, the harder it can be to confess and deal with. Firstly, the wrongdoing can become less forgivable by the victim, even though they may appear to have moved on.
Secondly, by the time the wrongdoer is ready to deal with it, the chance that trust and respect can be established between the parties has probably diminished greatly.
Thirdly, after a very long period even sensible people can suddenly get a now-or-never urge to confess or apologise. By then, their overwhelming emotional need is so strong that they can make a clumsy or inept attempt to talk to the victim. Here’s a sad example:
A well-known and internationally respected person recently confessed on the radio that she felt bad about the way she had run away from home some twenty-five years ago. She hadn’t spoken to her parents since. She found out that they were due to travel from a certain airport and decided to go there. She found their check-in queue and went up to them. She wasn’t recognised, so she told them who she was. They greeted her politely and then walked on, and she hasn’t seen them since. How very, very sad.
I was tormented with guilt for years and years. In fact, it was so bad that if I didn’t feel wrong, I didn’t feel right!
JOYCE MEYER, AMERICAN AUTHOR
Then fourthly, an overdue ‘outing’ of guilt often causes the victim’s and their supporters’ thirst for revenge to be intensified. This can lead to inappropriate and sometimes cruel punishment. Recently, for example, a number of court cases have taken place in our country against people who committed seriously dreadful crimes over 40 years ago. Several were given prison sentences, even though they are now in their late eighties and nineties and are seriously ill. Mercy was not considered an option, even when remorse was expressed.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
OGDEN NASH, AMERICAN POET
Finally, the torment of suppressed guilt, especially when the above problems have been witnessed in others, can lead to these attitudes: I will be damned if I do, so I might as well not try, or more scarily, I’ll be damned if I do, so I might as well be even more evil or die.
In Chapter 7 I will be suggesting some more effective ways for dealing with suppressed guilt.
Summary: Suppressed guilt
• Suppressed guilt is the kind that is consciously felt, but is not outwardly expressed.
• It damages the mental health of the guilty person.
• It can have knock-on negative effects on the people with whom they interact.
• The longer the guilt is suppressed the more difficult it is to deal with and there is a risk that the consequences of outing it will be more negative.
Disguised guilt
This is guilt that has been suppressed, but the person feeling it is not currently consciously aware that they feel guilty. It becomes apparent only because of other mental-health symptoms or other problems. The mental-health symptoms can vary enormously from classified illnesses such as depression, OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorders) and addictions. The other problems may be more everyday issues such as persistent relationship difficulties, career issues, low confidence or anger mishandling. It is during the investigation of possible causes of these problems that buried guilt is uncovered as a contributing cause. Traditionally, and probably most commonly, this takes place with a therapeutic professional such as a psychiatrist, psychotherapist or counsellor. At the start of consultations clients often say, ‘I have no idea why – everything was fine. I have a good job and a great family. The first panic attack came out of the blue. I didn’t know what was going on. That started me off getting anxious. I just worry about what to wear, about getting lost, food contamination – you name it and I worry!’
Alternatively, they could deny they have a problem or lay the blame on others: ‘She thinks I’ve become anti-social and prefer my tablet to people. Yes, I like games, but I’m not addicted – I’m shattered after work and they relax me.’
Professional therapists are trained to look for hidden causes of problems, especially where there seems to be no obvious reason for symptoms. They are skilled listeners who will focus as much on body language and what is not being said as on what the person is saying. If the cause isn’t evident in their present life, they will also take an interest in the person’s past as well. In this way they may uncover guilt about a wrongdoing that the client may have completely forgotten about, or not considered relevant to their current issue. Sometimes this guilt is rational and sometimes it is not. Very often it is a mixture of the two.
In my twenties I was diagnosed with serious depression. Luckily for me I was referred to an excellent (and very patient!) therapist. The main reasons for my mental state were plentiful and complex and I don’t need to spell all these out now. But it is relevant to share with you how disguised guilt played a part in stopping me from moving forward once my depression had lifted.
Leading up to my depressive illness, I had made myself jobless. I had failed miserably (in my eyes) at two jobs that I had desperately wanted to succeed at. My first was as a childcare officer. One of my clients had beaten his first child so badly that she was taken into care. When the couple had their second baby he and his wife sincerely wanted to make sure that this couldn’t happen again. They both adored their new little girl. I visited them regularly and my colleagues and supervisor agreed that they had made great strides in their parenting and stress management. They didn’t think it would be necessary to admit the baby to care while I was on holiday. However, when I returned I was told that the father had lost his temper and killed the baby. No one for a moment thought this tragedy was in any way my fault. And in my rational mind I knew that this was true. But my guilt and despair were too great, and I resigned. I vowed to give up social work forever.
After working for some months quite happily as a shop assistant, a friend of a friend told me that a housemother of a children’s home was urgently needed. He thought I would be ideal and should apply. As I had spent the majority of my own childhood in children’s homes, I was keen to try. And try and try I did. But ultimately I failed. As staff our days were spent stopping the children from beating each other up. The quality care I had wanted to give them, and my staff, was an impossible dream. This time I blamed the system and underfunding and resigned. I felt angry and hopeless and eventually got so seriously depressed that I ended up in hospital.
My psychotherapist cleverly sniffed out guilt as a persistent issue in my troubled history. She unearthed a mountain of forgotten remorse and self-blame dating back to my early childhood. My habitual way of disguising my guilt was to become a rescuer of others. As a child it had started with my kid brother and sister and children weaker than me. By the time I reached adulthood my cause had become global.
As you have probably guessed, this habit is still with me. It is, however, no longer disguised. This means that I can control it and use it in a more focused and constructive way. An added bonus is that this personal experience has left me with a nose for sniffing out buried guilt! Here’s an example:
Jeff came to see me because his marriage was falling apart.