Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life. Gael Lindenfield
Shame 7/10 Guilt 2/10
b) Jim said stop worrying, it was only a white lie. But I do think lying is wrong and I could have just told her that I was exhausted. Not going to see her every weekend is not that selfish – I do go often.
Shame 5/10 Guilt 3/10
c) My focus was largely on Mum.
Shame 0/10 Guilt 7/10
d) I was largely concerned about whether what I had done was right or wrong in relation to my own values. I was also slightly concerned about what Mum would think of me.
Shame 1/10 Guilt 9/10
e) I did make good enough amends.
Shame 0/10 Guilt 9/10
Repeat this exercise two to three times for other occasions when you felt guilty and/or ashamed.
As you continue reading this book, repeat this exercise and think of other occasions when you felt guilty and/or ashamed. It might help to have some photocopies of the exercise ready to fill out. By the time you have finished the book, you should have become an expert on the differences between these two emotional states.
What does guilt feel and look like?
Most of us think we know the answer to this question. We will readily describe what we feel inside our bodies and how it makes us behave. But your personal experience may be different from what others feel. People notice and describe the ‘signs’ of guilt in different ways. They may also behave differently. To confuse us even more, many of the signs of guilt can be due to other causes. So we may have to rule these out first before we can be confident that they can be attributed to guilt. But the lists that I am going to give you below are a good clue as to whether or not guilt could be at the root of a problem.
Here are some of the ways different people have tried to describe their personal experiences of guilt:
How different people experience guilt
IN THE BODY
There’s a permanent knot in my stomach.
It’s like pain and sorrow mixed with each other.
I feel like I want to cry but can’t.
I go quiet – it’s as though my throat has tensed up and I can’t speak.
It’s like a bunch of moths eating at my insides.
I often feel like I am going to be sick.
I want to hit my head … and I often do!
I find myself hitting my leg as soon as I remember it.
I want to curl up in a ball and my body starts to do that.
I feel scared and go all jittery.
I have this tension in my head – and I just can’t get my body to relax.
I want to hide – my head bows and my eyes close.
I feel like I am carrying bags of lead weights.
My head feels like it weighs a ton.
There’s like a weight on my heart.
It’s like I can’t stop sighing.
It’s weird … sometimes I just feel dirty and that I need to wash and wash … Perhaps I’m going mad, like Lady Macbeth!
IN THE MIND
It makes me think that I should not have done what I did because everyone else thinks it is bad.
I feel like my mind is going to explode.
I go over the situation again and again in my head.
I think people may be talking about me – thinking I am bad or am doing something wrong.
Thinking again and again of what my father would say if he could see me now.
I always think I am making a mistake.
I keep having flashbacks to when it happened.
I am constantly thinking that I should have done it differently, even though others are pleased …
Telling myself if only I had worked just that bit harder I could have …
It’s like I keep thinking that I will be ‘found out’.
I keep imagining what could have happened if I hadn’t been lucky.
Sometimes I feel guilty about being alive … I just can’t get it out of my mind that others died through no fault of their own.
Constantly telling myself I was such an idiot.
I can’t get the thought out of my mind that life isn’t fair – why have I got everything I have when others can’t? Just the luck of the draw.
I just worry all the time that I am getting it wrong and should know better.
It feels as though I am an impostor at work.
I just find myself dwelling on the fact that I could have done more … even though I really know I did what I could at the time.
Sometimes people are not aware that they are feeling guilt. When they first come to me, many of my clients may experience some of these ‘symptoms’ and think they are due to ill health or external stresses. If the latter have been ruled out, we will then look together at how they have led and are leading their lives. This is when it is helpful to also know what the common behavioural signs of guilt are, which may be the underlying cause of distress.
In the next chapter we will be examining in some depth the different types of guilt and the behaviours associated with each. But for the moment here are some of the more common general signs of possible guilt that you may recognise:
Behavioural signs of guilt
• Avoiding certain people or all people, or subjects of conversation.
• Playing too safe.
• Overcompensating with extremely ‘good’ behaviour.
• Overwork.
• Obsessions.
• Depression (without an obvious cause and no bipolar disorder diagnosed).
• Agoraphobia.
• Dependence on alcohol or drugs.
• Rebelliousness.
• ‘Bad’ behaviour.
EXERCISE: MY PERSONAL SIGNS OF GUILT
• Re-read the lists of physical, mental and behavioural signs that I have given above, and mark the ones that you commonly experience.
• Ask a couple of people you know what they feel and notice in their mind and behaviour when they feel guilty. You could show them the lists above. Note the differences in your experiences of guilt.
Who is more likely to feel an unreasonable amount of guilt?
Although there is no definitive research that can prove the cause of this problem, there are some reasons that are commonly accepted among therapists and counsellors as to why some people feel excessive or unreasonable levels of guilt. Below, I am listing the main ones that I have come across in my own work. Having an idea of how a problem started or was encouraged (and maybe still is) can help us to identify possible ways to deal with it.
We are more likely to get caught in a guilt trap if we:
