Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers. Penny Palmano
If you simply try and tell them a
These are what they think they need
list of dos and don’ts they will see you as being too controlling and probably ignore your advice.
The most successful way to convey your opinions and expectations of their behaviour is by introducing different subjects into conversations. The car or dinner table are best for keeping their undivided attention.
Use examples of other teenagers’ behaviour, or use something you’ve read or experienced, or simply put dilemmas to them to see what their reaction would be. For instance, ‘I was on the train the other day and there were four teenagers sitting together, swearing loudly, eating hamburgers and chips that stank the carriage out, and then they left their rubbish on their seat when they left. They were an absolute disgrace, everyone in the carriage was disgusted with them.’ ‘How do you know we don’t behave like that on the train?’ ‘I know you know how to behave and I don’t believe that you would let yourselves or me down like that. I have every faith in you to do the right thing.’
By using examples to get your point across, your children learn how you feel about issues and how you would expect them to react or behave in similar circumstances. It also offers them the opportunity to ask hypothetical questions.
For example, ‘You’ll never believe this, I read in the paper the other day that a sixteen year old had slept with this boy and lied she was on the pill, as she hoped if she got pregnant he would become her regular boyfriend. How sad is that?’ Daughters will usually be prompted to ask, ‘What would you say if I said I was pregnant?’ ‘Well, first darling, I would hope that you would wait until you are a bit older than sixteen and definitely in a long-term relationship, then do the sensible thing, use contraception. But what a shame that poor girl was so naive to think that getting pregnant or having sex with someone is going to make him like her more. Boys will nearly always have sex with girls if it’s on offer, but when they know a girl is that easy they seldom want her as a girlfriend.’ ‘But if the contraception didn’t work and I was pregnant, would you throw me out?’
‘There is nothing you could do that would make me throw you out, but I obviously wouldn’t be delighted for your sake. It would restrict your future options so much, but if it happened we would work it out. You know you can always talk to me about anything, especially things that worry you.
Obviously the way you conduct your life and treat people will have just as big an impact on your teenager’s behaviour as what you say.
And they need all the following probably more now than at any other time during their lives so far:
Love and attention
Respect
Support
Communication
Showing unconditional love towards your children should never stop, whether they are two or thirty-two. It’s just the way you and they demonstrate it that will change. They no longer want to sit on your lap with a bottle of warm milk and be told a story at six o’clock every evening; they would much rather sit on a friend’s lap, guzzling crisps and fizzy drinks (or some sort of alcopop) watching some inherently violent film until three in the morning. But that’s growing up for you.
Even as adults our needs change. Think back to when you were first married or living with your partner – you couldn’t keep your hands off each other, any excuse, any where: the floor, the sofa, the shower, the kitchen table (pre-kids obviously). However, fourteen or fifteen years on you’d probably blush at the thought of the kitchen table: ‘But I’ve just polished it!/What, with your back?/What, here and now, are you mad?’ In fact, let’s be honest, our idea of multiple orgasm would probably be a day on our own at a health spa being completely spoilt, cosseted and pampered with every treatment known to mankind while quaffing a glass or two of chilled champagne. But it doesn’t mean we love our partners any less or our love has changed (well, hopefully not), it’s just our needs.
And it’s the same for the parents of teens; your love shouldn’t change, it’s just the way you demonstrate it that will. Your children still love you, they just may not show it in the way they used to. So, although the dynamics of your relationship have changed, that unconditional love must not, although you may feel it’s being put to the test a few times.
Some parents with teens who are permanently at each other’s throats can forget how much they love their children as they actually begin to think they dislike them. What they dislike, of course, is not them, it is their behaviour.
how to show love
Showing love to your teenager can be far more testing than showing love when they were little. Showering your cute three year old, who simply can’t get enough of you anyway, with mushy kisses and cuddles was easy, but now what? Your teenager may dream of mushy kisses and cuddles, but sadly not from you any longer, but this is not to say they do not want physical affection from you, it’s just the way that you demonstrate it will be different.
Children will obviously mature and hit puberty at different times, so there is no definite age when you can say any show of public affection must stop. But you’ll soon realize the moment your child pulls away from the kiss on the cheek in public.
Physical Affection
First, a big no-no is trying to show any physical affection in front of their friends. So forget the goodbye kiss at school (in fact, if you’re still doing the school run, they may even want to be dropped off a little distance away so they can saunter in on their own). In general, most teenagers don’t want to be seen in public with their parents and especially not with any show of affection. A reassuring squeeze on their arm or a pat on the back will be enough.
Obviously, some children are less inhibited and in these cases will kiss you goodbye, which is great, but let your children lead in this area.
However, at home it is extremely important that physical contact is kept up. When they leave for and return from school, a hug and a kiss will be very welcome. Hugging is comforting and reassuring and reassurance is one thing teenagers need loads of. If you’re watching TV in the evenings let them put their feet on you and give them a foot massage or put your arms around them or even just hold your daughter’s hand.
It is so easy to overlook physical contact with growing children but it is vitally important to them.
When they are doing their homework or are in front of a computer screen, take a few minutes to give them a shoulder and neck massage. If they are upset about exam results, or not making the school team or having a rocky relationship, a good hug will help them to feel better. Also, whilst you are administering sympathetic hands, they are easier to talk to as they are less likely to move away.
Teenagers also become much more aware of their parents’ relationship. And although seeing their parents kissing and even hugging will cause them enormous embarrassment, it is actually very healthy for them to see adult affection, that their parents are happy and at ease with each other.
Teenage sons often try and distance themselves from their mothers. Psychologists suggest it’s not because their feelings have changed but because she is the only woman they have ever truly loved and now they are attracted to other women sexually, they distance themselves from their mother to avoid the possibility of having the slightest feelings towards her. This will change when they become more sexually focused. So although the mother may feel hurt, pleading, ‘You don’t love me anymore,’ or, ‘We used to be so close,’ is fruitless. The teenage son has enough to contend with so a guilt trip from his mother is certainly not needed.
Fran: