Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers. Penny Palmano
to avoid arguments
Try and avoid head to head arguments. All they will achieve is bad feeling on both sides. Arguments often end up with shouting, unnecessary name-calling and accusations that both parties will later regret. Keep calm, don’t swear, don’t bring up past problems, respect and listen to what your child has to say. While your child is talking resist the temptation to interrupt, accuse or judge. Listen properly and respond. Always remember that you are the adult and they are the child, although I would strongly advise you never to point this out to them.
With any issue, sit down privately with your teen and work out between you a compromise that you are both happy with. For instance, if your teenager came home late without letting you know, instead of shouting, ‘What sort of time do you think that was to come in? You are so irresponsible, you’re not going out for a week,’ try sitting down with them and explaining, ‘I was so worried when you were late. You’re a responsible person so please in future just ring me to let me know. And make sure your mobile is on so I can ring you.’
When you raise an issue with them, just stick to one thing at a time. If the immediate problem is poor results in recent school exams, discuss why and ways to solve it, don’t drag in other issues…your room is always untidy…you don’t help enough around the house. And avoid trying to get too personal, as that is not treating your children with the respect they deserve and you can hardly blame them for arguing back at you. Just as with small children, it is necessary to be clear that it is not the child who displeases but their behaviour or attitude you are not keen on.
Continually telling your teenager how awful they are is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for them. However, if you tell them they are responsible and that you trust them, they are far less likely to let you down. Once they start going out with their friends, let them know what your expectations of them are, and what sort of an allowance they can have. Acknowledge that they may be drinking but to be sensible and not to come home and vomit in the hall. And if they do, they can clear it up.
Boys are not very good at arguing with any verbal dexterity and usually resort to name-calling or aggression to make their point, whereas girls are quite verbal and usually throw in a measure of emotion as well. Avoid being dragged into a drawn-out argument. The argument will usually be about something the teenager wants to do and the parent says, ‘No.’ First, the parent should listen calmly to the reasons put forward by the teenager as to why they should be able to do this certain thing, if necessary asking questions, and if the parent is absolutely positive their reply will still be ‘No,’ then the parent should tell them so, along with any reasons for coming to the decision. If you are in this situation, explain calmly, even apologize, that on this occasion the matter is no longer open for negotiation. Walk away. The matter is closed. Whatever the child replies, from cries of, ‘You’re so unfair,’ to nastier name calling, you must not get dragged back in to the argument. Not unlike toddlers whose parents finally give in to their tantrums, teenagers will soon learn if they have the type of parents who will (after enough whining and moaning) change their mind. This will only lead to parents literally being bullied into changing their minds in the future. It is possible, of course, that circumstances may change (for instance, a friend’s parent can give them a lift after all) which therefore eliminates the reason for the refusal. In this case, explain why you have had a change of mind.
A successful way to avoid the risk of an argument is to, whenever possible, hand the prerogative to the teenager, give them the responsibility for their own actions and immediate destiny. Get them to agree that they can go out with their friends but only after their history homework is finished. Then if the history homework fails to be done, they only have themselves to blame. If they start screaming and shouting, simply point out that they knew what the consequences were, the responsibility was theirs; this is what they agreed. End of story.
When one parent is engaged in ‘discussions’ with their teenager, it is imperative that the other parent doesn’t get involved, especially if they are going to contradict what is already being said. Not only will this demean any parental authority and allow the teenager to see one parent as more reasonable, it will without doubt cause conflict between the parents, and the ‘discussion’ between parent and child can soon become a full-on argument between the two parents.
respecting their privacy
One of the first noticeable differences when your children become teenagers is their need for privacy and you will be showing your respect by allowing them this. Boys especially can spend hours on end in their room. However hard it is to accept they will suddenly want to spend time alone in their room, with their music, the very last thing they want is a parent barging into their room unannounced. Even siblings barging in will get shouted at, but your teenager will be far less impressed if you show up unannounced.
The respectful way is to knock on their door and announce who it is and ask if you can go in. WAIT for a reply – just because you have knocked does not mean you
Respect their privacy
can enter. They will usually reply, ‘Yes,’ or ‘Just a minute.’ If the reply is ‘No,’ and you need to speak, ask if they could come to the door and say what you need through the gap. Don’t start whining, ‘What are you doing in there that I can’t see?’ or ‘Why can’t I come in?’ You asked the question, respect the answer. But if you can smell smoke or dope, ask them to come and see you (privately) in five minutes and then discuss it – don’t bother to mention what it concerns as they will have time to invent replies.
Make sure all siblings know this house rule and obey it. And, of course, you should expect the same courtesy if any of your children want to come into your bedroom.
Sam: ‘This can be a real issue and every teenager wants their privacy. I have many friends who get into huge arguments with their parents when they step in unannounced or knock and just barge in. It is totally disrespectful and kind of gives the impression that parents don’t trust you. This is a really unnecessary cause of arguments.’
Diaries
Girls very often keep diaries to write down their feelings they may not wish to share with anyone else, including their parents, regardless of how close and open their relationship is as a family. Parents should never read their teenager’s diary, however tempted they may feel. They may well read things that were written in a moment of stress or haste that will alarm them enough to prompt them to ask their child about its contents. As soon as they do the child will know that their parent has read their private diary. Regardless of the raised voices and arguments that will undoubtedly ensue, the trust between the parent and their child will have been broken. The result will be the teenager hiding their diary and being even more secretive than usual.
Fran: ‘My real mum once read my diary, and then to make it worse, quoted comments from it in front of a big group of her friends. There was nothing that bad in it but the fact that she invaded my privacy like that really upset me.’
how to behave with friends
How Your Teenagers Should Behave with Your Friends
By the time your children are teenagers, good manners and behaviour should certainly be second nature.
If your teenagers are sitting watching TV or working at the computer and you enter with someone new for them to meet, they should stop what they are doing, stand up, shake hands and introduce themselves. As the parent you will probably add something about the visitor which your children should pick up on and ask a relevant question. If it is a family friend they should again stop what they are doing, stand up, either shake hands or kiss and make the effort to ask how they are or enquire if they’ve been on holiday and if so did they have a good time.
Sons and daughters should, without having to be asked, help lady guests and even men guests with their coats.