Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life. Penny Palmano
to their friend or come and tell you or whoever is looking after them. If you have been on holiday or away on business they can be aggressive as a type of revenge for not seeing you, and again they have no other way to express themselves.
ATTENTION
Some children even this young will realize and enjoy the attention they receive when they bite or hit. Be sure to encourage and praise more social behaviour such as playing nicely with a friend, saying please or thank you. Make sure they are getting plenty of positive attention.
FEELING THREATENED
If children feel overwhelmed by their surroundings or there are too many children for them to cope with they may bite or lash out as a self-defence tactic if they feel endangered. If you feel your child is finding it hard to cope in certain situations try and avoid them until he or she is a few months older.
INSECURITY
Domestic arrangements suddenly changing can cause children to feel very unsettled and they may suddenly begin biting or become aggressive. Divorce, death, even parents returning to work can trigger this behaviour. Give your child plenty of reassurance.
TOO MUCH ENERGY
Toddlers have an abundance of energy which can build up inside them until they eventually ‘blow’. To avoid this pitfall make sure they have a good run around every day and some fresh air. If they sit in front of violent cartoons all day with no exercise they may well lash out if they are asked to do something they are not so keen on.
FEAR
If children feel afraid, in danger or threatened they can often misbehave to try and protect themselves. Three-and four-year-olds start to have a sense of the world around them and this can arouse all sorts of fears. If you think this is the problem, talk to and reassure your children. Never undermine children’s emotions.
COPYING
Some households still believe in slapping children as punishment and children from these families will automatically assume they can do the same.
If children pinch bottoms it is more likely they have seen their parents pinch each other’s bottom and liked the reaction of the recipient. Mothers very often gently pinch their child’s bottom, so if your child pinches someone’s bottom explain that you can only do that within families.
Dealing with Unsociable Behaviour: 5–14 years old
Children, whether you believe it or not, actually want to please their parents and when they demonstrate poor or unacceptable behaviour they are doing it for a reason. The trouble is they won’t realize the reason themselves and it will be up to you as parents to find out what it is. Try talking to your children to see what they are feeling. It would be so much simpler if children could explain their problem. If only they could tell us, for example, ‘Mum, Dad, look it’s like this, I’ve had your undivided attention for four years and now there’s this new kid in my territory, in fact in my old cot. She’s taking a large portion of your time and, quite frankly, I’m not happy. So to vent my feelings I’m going to throw a tantrum the next time we are in a café.’ You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that problem, jealousy, but it’s finding out by trying to decipher their behaviour which is the tricky bit. However, once you have worked out what the problem is you can address the root cause and hopefully see a change in their behaviour. This may take a bit of trial and error.
Problem
Any behaviour that may get them noticed by their parents, e.g. shouting, jumping up and down, constantly interrupting. Children usually look to see if their parents are watching whilst they are ‘performing’.
Possible cause
Lack of positive attention. Some children simply do not have enough positive time with their parents and ‘perform’ for their attention. Other children will misbehave because when they do, they get far more attention than when they behave well.
SOLUTION
Basically, children have needs which are not being met. ‘You must be joking,’ you’re probably thinking, ‘They have TVs, videos, DVDs, CD players, bikes, Playstations and a wardrobe full of designer clothes. They’ve got everything they could possibly want.’ And herein could well lie the problem. None of these are essential for happy, well-behaved children, although you may think they are. What is essential for children from their parents is regular physical contact, individual attention, respect and positive time.
Young children often interrupt phone calls or parents talking for their attention. If you have been out working all day, avoid long chats on the phone when your children are desperate to see you. Wait until they are in bed. Screen calls with an answerphone. Children will interrupt less and less the older they get. If they interrupt while you are talking to someone else, tell them firmly not to interrupt and that when you have finished talking they will have your undivided attention.
Problem
Aggression, hitting, lashing out. Not controlling their temper. Truancy.
Possible cause
Parents’ divorce, serious illness in the family, frustration at school through possible learning disorders or being bullied. Simple frustration.
SOLUTION
Divorce – Although doctors are in general agreement that children are better off with one happy parent rather than two unhappy parents, the trauma of divorce takes its toll on everyone concerned. As adults, parents must put their children’s well-being before their own feelings of hurt.
Few divorces are harmonious and usually one parent is far more embittered than the other, but however wronged you feel, however much you now despise your ex, never, ever, use your children as some sort of emotional pawn. They have done nothing to deserve it. Your children still love both parents and however much you want them to hate your ex as much as you do, leave your children out of it. Avoid saying awful things about your ex to them or somebody else in their hearing range. It is hard enough for children when their parents separate so don’t make it worse by trying to get the children to take sides. A few years down the line you may be happier than ever with a new partner but your children may carry their emotional scars for the rest of their lives. And don’t make it difficult for your ex to see the children; why punish the children?
If only one good thing can come out of your divorce make it your children’s smooth passage from a two-parent family to two single-parent families.
Children often blame themselves for divorce so they will need extra physical contact and love for reassurance. Depending on their ages, explain what is happening, and I don’t mean, ‘Your father’s a filthy, lying, cheating swine,’ but a simple, ‘Sometimes adults don’t get on any more and don’t want to live together, but Daddy and I both love you very much.’
Anger – Do not wait until your daughter hits her brother for the fourth time. After the first whack take her away from the action to a quiet spot to cool off. Explain very firmly that you must never hit another person and as an immediate penalty reduce her TV time that day. Let her have a five-minute cool-off period. She must apologize to her victim, then taking hold of her hand or putting your arm around her, talk to her about her anger and try and get to the bottom of it. Just because she hit her brother does not necessarily mean that her brother is the cause of her anger.
However angry you are with children never shout, call them names or hit them. This will only teach them that they can deal with their anger by behaving in an aggressive and