Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life. Penny Palmano
Change your voice and body language
Impose Boundaries
Boundaries are the sets of rules we set for our children’s behaviour; a sort of framework of moral conduct within which they must learn to live. As long as children know exactly where these limits are they will be happy and content to operate within them. Naturally, most children will try and stretch them occasionally to see exactly what they can get away with, but this is absolutely normal and they are quite expecting and relieved to be told when they have crossed the line. Let’s face it, we all try and push our luck sometimes.
Boundaries teach children what is acceptable behaviour and in doing so they develop the self-control and self-discipline necessary to remain within them. Even children from as young as one will begin to respond to simple boundaries, as in the word ‘No’, when it is said in a firm voice distinguishable from your normal voice.
Inevitably, as children grow up, new boundaries will be introduced, but as long as they know what they are, they will flourish and develop within them and be reassured by them.
However, children who are not set boundaries often feel unloved and uncared for and are constantly floundering, looking for some sort of guidelines. This often manifests in the form of unacceptable behaviour, as if in a desperate plea for some sort of help and structure. Without boundaries children fail to develop self-control, and without this they will find it difficult to function properly within a normal society and can end up unhappy, lonely and dysfunctional adults.
Change your voice and body language
From as young as a year old, your child can begin to learn the meaning of the word ‘No’. Adopt a low, firm tone and deliver a short sharp ‘No’, so that they can recognize disapproval immediately and do not smile. There’s no point saying ‘No’ in exactly the same sweet tone that you would say ‘Hello darling’ with a beaming smile on your face. Equally, don’t say ‘No’ in a firm voice and then immediately give your child hugs and cuddles as it is mixing messages. Even young children will come to recognize when parents are in ‘no mood for messing with’ by their voice and body language.
If, for instance, your daughter is at the stage of moving around holding on to the furniture and she grabs an ornament you would rather she did not touch, you simply say, ‘No’ in a firm voice, remove the ornament from her and move her to a different part of the room. Give your daughter a toy or something else to distract her that she can look at and examine. Many children will immediately return to the ornament and look for your reaction. Make sure it is the same. As soon as your child starts showing an interest in something they can play with, praise them and make a fuss of them. At this age they very soon learn when Mummy approves or disapproves. Suddenly your daughter has learnt her first boundary. She knows that she cannot touch the ornament.
Remember, orders are not negotiable
We have all witnessed a poor mother who asks her child to do something and is either ignored or rebuffed or argued with. Out of frustration the parent either shouts at the child to no avail or does the task herself.
‘Please go and fetch the blue sweater off my bed,’ is a command. It is not negotiable; ‘Would you like to go and fetch my sweater off my bed?’ is negotiable. If you ask your child to do something for you, insist that they do it. It is so important that children learn to respond to instructions. Giving and taking orders are all part of life’s rules and children must not be allowed to imagine they are somehow immune to it. School, the workplace, even leisure activities will require orders to be acted upon, sometimes immediately.
To make it less stressful all round (although this will not always be possible), try not to ask for something you want an immediate response to if your child is engrossed in an activity, a book, in the middle of a favourite TV programme time or doing homework. If they are busy concentrating on something, they are more likely to show some resistance. In these circumstances ask them to carry out your request after they have finished the chapter, TV programme or their homework and make sure they have heard and understood.
Warning children in advance that they will have to do something will help prepare them mentally to do it, as in, ‘Dinner will be ready in five minutes,’ then after that time, ‘Come and sit down, please.’
Children disobeying orders can be life-threatening. For example, if a young boy has never been taught to obey his mother, one day he gets separated from her in a car park, then suddenly sees her. If she shouts, ‘Stay there, don’t move, there’s a car coming,’ and the child doesn’t, he is putting himself and possibly others at risk.
A good way to get children to obey first-time requests is to ask them to do something quickly so that they can have a reward or get on with doing something far more fun. For instance, if a mother is returning home with her children, she could say, ‘Quickly, go and hang your coats up and then you can have a biscuit/start painting.’ Then when they return, ‘You’ve put your coats away already? That’s fantastic, my goodness you’re fast. Well done, here’s your biscuit/right if you get the paints out, I’ll get the paper.’ Suddenly children are in the mind-set to help. They soon learn that doing as asked brings praise and rewards.
Of course, there are going to be far more times when you will simply ask them to do something without dangling the carrot and they must react as quickly.
When you are teaching your young children to obey simple commands, explain what you would like them to do, keep it simple, ask if they understand, then wait and watch to see them do it. If they ignore you, repeat it and mention that you would like it done now. If they don’t move immediately take their hand and help them up with a, ‘Come along, mummy has asked you to pick up your socks and to give them to me. Now pick them up like a good boy.’ Once the command has been carried out, thank them. If they carried out the task with no fuss, thank and congratulate them at their speed and efficiency. If they refuse to pick the socks up, put your hand over theirs and help them to pick up the socks then give them to yourself. Thank them in a matter-of-fact voice.
Persistence is the name of the game, so do not leave the room until they have done what they were asked to do, keep a firm voice and do not lose your temper. Never let your children get away with not doing something they have been asked to do. It can be a small battle of wills, but you are the parent, you must be in control. When children realize that you are not going to give in, they will. You may only have to sit out two or three incidents like this until your children act upon your requests. That Mum or Dad mean business is a valuable lesson for children to learn. There will be times when they dawdle and don’t react immediately, but don’t let them get into a habit of just not doing it.
I was recently at a taxi rank at a train station and saw a mother and her son