50 Ways to F**k the Planet. David Glick
Water shame
Moratorium no more
AGENDA
* Hand out bribes
* Idolize the Japanese
* Shell out for new oil
* Scupper the blubber
As if sonar wasn’t enough, here is another surefire method to blow the whale right out of the ocean. Perhaps you think sonar is a little lacking in subtlety, the reverberations and potential repercussions just too loud for you. There is another way. For those concerned with species desecration, never undervalue governmental corruption. A well-established and internationally recognized system not only facilitates the large-scale slaughter of whales but also allows it to be carried out above board. All it requires is a touch of light vote-rigging and, well, job done. As countless elections have proved, few things are more straightforward.
Ballot-aid
Every summer the International Whaling Commission meets to chat about whether they should restart whale hunting. Everybody gets the chance to have their views heard. Some want whales slaughtered with decent haste; the more eccentric seem to prefer their survival. Eventually, the seventy-nine countries vote on the issue and the fate of these warm-blooded blubber barrels is decided. In order to end the exasperating prohibitions of the 1986 moratorium on whale hunting, introduced after many species edged close to extinction because of concerted over-hunting, a 75 per cent majority is required. In these eco-sensitive times, that’s a dauntingly high hurdle. The good news is that you can buy votes. Your opponents refer to it as bribery. The more enlightened among you view the system as an open door through which to usher cetacean genocide.
Japan is a past master at manipulating the IWC, and from the bright minds of the Orient you must master how to achieve the legitimate slaughter of the world’s whale population. A blend of cunning, determination and solid inducements is required and, from such a pot pourri of talent and gifts, Japan has managed to execute a feat that, in June 2006, left the environmental movement pondering one of its greatest reverses. The news that the pro-whaling block had secured a 51 per cent majority to resume massed hunting kick-started celebrations from Osaka to Ormskirk, an anniversary still honoured by those who stand to benefit. But while the result was totemic, the real reason, as you have since discovered, was rather more prosaic. Japan simply touted huge foreign-aid deals to countries who would back their lust for killing whales. Japan was unashamed of its match-winning tactics. Days after the triumph, a written reply from the Japanese minister for ‘aid packages’ admitted that his department had given the Caribbean country of St Kitts and Nevis – which had hosted the conference – £2.58 million, although it shrewdly denied any involvement in vote-rigging. Nicaragua was given £8.5 million and the Pacific island state of Palau around half that. In the period after receiving the money, cynics noted that all had developed a sudden, strange desire to catch whales. Both landlocked Laos and Mongolia also developed a hitherto unknown interest in whaling. Sited little closer than 1,000 miles to the nearest ocean, the latter is arguably the dustiest, driest place on the planet. Unfamiliarity had clearly bred contempt, or perhaps you had prematurely dismissed tales of the great Gobi Dick. The Solomon Islands were recipients of cash from Tokyo’s venerable Institute of Cetacean Research, although the Japanese government denied any link. With the environmental rewards so undeniably great, Japan doesn’t hesitate to opt for the old brown-paper envelope when needs must. Togo turned up late to one conference with its £5,000 membership fee in ready cash.
All these payouts warn that your attempts to restart the wholesale murder of whales will not come cheap. Japan has distributed at least £320 million over the last twelve years. Still, there is a chance you might not have to dig too deep into your pockets. Intelligence indicates that Japan will continue investing until it reaches the magic 75 per cent mark. Once there, it is all over for the whale. Two million were killed in the southern hemisphere alone last century, before the moratorium came into effect.
Currently, the global whale population is more than a million, a number that would be best vanquished in the space of twelve months. Any voting victory could be crushed as little as a year later, and you should not expect a second chance. To achieve this figure, you’ll need to cajole the entire fleets of Norway, Iceland and, of course, Japan, the leader of whose fisheries agency once described the minke whale as the ‘cockroach of the ocean’. As for the Norwegians, well, they really need no encouragement. Norway, with admirable verve, simply ignores the moratorium, killing more than 25,000 minke whales since it was introduced. Japan might yet just say sod it: its whaling fleet recently set sail for the Antarctic in pursuit of the biggest single whaling slaughter since commercial whaling was banned twenty years earlier. It has a sound argument, which must be propagated as widely as possible. Japan claims that whales eat large quantities of sought-after fish, which is like saying people who eat over-fished cod should be harpooned rather than applauded. On its website, the Japan Whaling Association argues that asking its people not to eat whales is culturally reprehensible, equivalent to ‘the English being asked to go without fish and chips’. Quite.
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