50 Ways to F**k the Planet. David Glick
means of eliminating the whale. And this is some sound system. In secret, the MoD has created one of the loudest underwater systems devised by man, capable of disseminating a sonic boom so thunderous experts predict it could rupture the brains of whales hundreds of miles away. Mammals within range have reportedly been found with blood seeping from their ears. By flooding the seven seas with these sweet melodies you can drive the planet’s largest creature to utter madness. In the murky underwater world, where the whale relies completely on sonar for navigation and finding food, this promises to be a satisfyingly apocalyptic weapon. The ancient migration routes of such creatures will be scrambled in the confusion that follows. Countless carcasses will be surrendered to the sea, and nobody will be any the wiser. In your capable hands, this weapon guarantees a stirringly symbolic victory that will strike right at the Volkswagen-Beetle-sized heart of one of nature’s greatest creations. That something so prehistoric can be felled by the latest in sound systems aptly demonstrates the triumph of man over the natural world.
Sonar so far
On 14th January 2006 the British public, and perhaps the world, was enraptured by a queer creature which had got lost in the Thames. A northern bottlenose whale, a creature normally at home in the turbulent depths of the North Atlantic, had somehow arrived in the Big Smoke. As his struggles unfolded on live television, the cameras panned out and followed Willy bobbing pathetically past the Houses of Parliament. There, just beyond the nineteenth-century edifice, were the rooms in which Whitehall officials had authorized the development of the very equipment that may have driven Willy into a shallow waterway in the capital. There, almost five years previously, the MoD signed off the secret sonar weapon that some believe may have disorientated the poor whale. Those dastardly enemy submarines had been getting harder to detect and so, not unreasonably, the idea was to build a better detection system. The MoD was impressed with designs for an acoustic version of the atomic bomb and a company called Thales Underwater Systems was given the contract. Sonar 2087 was developed behind closed doors, with details of its strength classified under the argument of ‘vital defence capability’.
Early trials made no mention of whales or anything to do with sea life. Then, out of the blue, ministers revealed that Sonar 2087 held the ‘potential to be harmful to marine mammals’. Interest was suddenly aroused. Where were these tests being carried out? Precisely how harmful would it be? Did Willy’s chums get a bit headachey or were their minds being mangled by the arrival of this powerful low-frequency system? Try as you might, facts are exasperatingly difficult to lay hands on and details of the tests’ environmental risk assessment impossible to come by. Findings from a series of covert trials off the north coast of Scotland were never publicized. Repeated demands for a full inquiry into the new sonar system were dismissed.
The official MoD website on Sonar 2087 makes no mention of its titillating potential for harm. Nor does it refer to a UN report that concludes that naval sonar systems pose a serious threat to whales. Studies by the Zoological Society of London are similarly ignored. Zoologists there had conducted some quite inspiring studies. They had examined beached whales whose livers were blighted with cavities like aerated chocolate. The creatures had suffered decompression sickness similar to the bends that afflict divers who surface too quickly. Some irresistible force appeared to have driven them to surface so quickly that they were compelled to practically jump from the sea. Something so fabulously heinous had taken place that these whales preferred to beach themselves on land than face another moment in the sea that sustained them.
Sadly, no one knows how many whales have had their brains twisted in such a manner. The impatient wait continues for the first case of a stranding directly linked to Sonar 2087 since it became fully operational last year. Conservationists believe most affected whales die mid-ocean and sink to the bottom. Only a tiny minority, they say, are beached ashore. It is the perfect crime. There is no carcass for a post-mortem examination, no corpse for forensic scientists to analyse. No battered, bleeding body for conservationists to take photographs of and scream horror. No one will ever know, not least the blubber-lovers. In the thirteenth century a whale was seen swimming under London Bridge. It was promptly driven ashore and hacked to death. Those days of open carnage are gone. Now that the nanny state is upon you, murder by stealth is the only option.
Noise annoys
A combination of deduction and unanswered questions indicates the unlikely guise of Sonar 2087 as a not-so-silent killer, the latest instrument at your disposal in the plan to wreak carnage on the environment. And causing no little pain. Details of more than thirty whale strandings linked to military sonar have so far come to your attention. Of particular note are those linked to high-frequency American military systems, which include various accounts of whales being found with blood pouring from their eyes. Others describe internal bleeding around the brain and ears. Details of a mass dash of melon-headed whales into shallow water during a US training exercise may also catch your eye. In many ways, sonar might be the equivalent of driving a tank into a field of deer. A few will, unsurprisingly, leap over the fence.
Thankfully there are still no laws curbing underwater noise pollution. Pleas from a parliamentary committee demanding research into the effects of sound on whales fell on deaf, if not bleeding, ears. However, you can take encouragement from tests conducted by the United States on whales during the development of its own low-frequency sonar. A profound reaction was observed: most of the creatures fled – sharpish. Those particular tests were limited to a maximum of 150 decibels. The Royal Navy were not going to make a similar mistake: our boys grabbed the sound dial and just cranked it up. Their experiments used a sound level of 180 decibels which, in real terms, is 1,000 times louder. Their tests did not uncover any ‘significant biological impact’. Some reports indicate that the underwater loudspeakers used to propel the sound of Sonar 2087 can generate 215 decibels, comparable to that of a jet fighter at take-off. The MoD insist their sonic boom is ‘whale-friendly’ and, to make completely certain, they even station observers to look out for whales before the sonar is used. This, in anyone’s book, should be enough to placate the environmental lobby. Memories of Willy convulsing and expiring on a Kent dockside after being dragged from the Thames will remain with you in the years ahead. Don’t let the results of the MoD’s post mortem – which concluded that she died from ‘dehydration and related causes’, detract from your resolve. With all this talk of exploding brains, dehydration is a disappointingly non-graphic way to go.
Weapons of mass destruction rarely come cheap. If you are looking to exterminate some of the planet’s most treasured creatures, more often than not you must pay big. A couple of Type 23 frigates equipped with Sonar 2087 will set you back a cool £340 million. Even so, such a small fleet might be sufficient to satisfy ambitions of exploding the brains of aspiring Moby Dicks wherever they may be. A single ping can affect animals in the surrounding 1.5 million square miles of water – roughly the size of the Pacific. Ping away. To move forward with this plan you need to get your hands on one of these units. Thales Underwater Systems do not offer their enviable system for commercial sale, and the cost of navy frigates is clearly prohibitive. Plan B, therefore, is to simply rely on the sonar to get on with its job. Regrettably, this leaves you in the highly unsatisfactory position of trusting undercover national-defence interests to fulfil your task, and so you may never really know the true tally of blubbering victims.
WHAT’S THE DAMAGE?
* Sonar 2087 conducted in secret off the Hebrides. Scores of pilot whales rock up on coastlines in rather poor shape. MoD reveals it is a ‘world leader’ in responsible sonar use. Predictable.
* Laws to regulate underwater sound levels agreed by international community in 2013. Never.
* Defence bods design Supersonic 2087. Terribly effective at detecting enemy subs, classified tests reveal it can blow a whale’s head off from several thousand metres. Anticipated.
* Another mysterious sequence of whale strandings in Thames blamed on military sonar. MoD denies everything. Plausible.
* Use of sonar by military suspended then banned after new research and lawsuit brought by conservationists. Likely.