50 Ways to F**k the Planet. David Glick
Seed the world
Sow the seeds of destruction
AGENDA
* Rob the Arctic bank
* Blot out a few botanists
* Stamp on the seeds of the future
* Become an eco-martyr
On the most northerly point of earth accessible by aeroplane, man has made preparations to safeguard his existence. Here, on a remote Arctic archipelago, a secret doomsday vault is hewn into the side of a frozen mountain. Buried deep within its icy chambers are the seeds on which the future of mankind’s food supply depends. This top-security repository is the planet’s most important seed vault. Seeds from every crop variety on the planet will be safely stored here; the last line of defence against the extinction of agricultural diversity. Climate change has created a desperate need to store varieties that can adapt to the changing weather. The plan is simple: should a crop disappear, its seed will be plucked from the vault and germinated once more.
Noble sentiments indeed, but clearly you must destroy this modern-day Noah’s ark. When you extirpate the planet, you will want to know that it is for good. What you don’t want to discover is that humanity has an escape clause, an insurance policy that allows the planet to replenish itself. There must be no second chance, the seeds of this contingency plan must fall on stony ground.
Vaulting ambition
The Svalbard seed bank is considered the one complete, secure botanic gene bank in the world. Others have been looted or destroyed by typhoons. Enchantingly, most of the rest are at risk from war, fire or natural disasters. This bank is deliberately sited at what is arguably the most secure place on earth. Far from the troubles of mankind, the world’s seed depository sits on the isolated Norwegian island of Svalbard, just 500 miles from the North Pole. This is not a place where eco-terrorists usually hang out and its designers claim the Svalbard Global Seed Vault can survive an earthquake, a nuclear-missile attack and all kinds of global calamity. They claim it is indestructible, the ‘living Fort Knox’. Its designers are simpletons. Nothing, as you will prove, is impregnable.
While planning your sabotage, you learn with a heavy heart that, within days of opening, the vault did indeed survive a 6.2-magnitude earthquake, the biggest ever recorded in Norway. Your hopes that climate change will adversely impact the vault are similarly dashed by reports that the vault is sited 130 metres above an icy fjord to protect it from any rise in sea level. Its cocoon of permafrost is so dense that a warming climate will not make a difference for centuries. Latest security updates make similarly bleak reading. There is only one way in and out, through a narrow reinforced concrete and steel door, planted halfway up a mountain. It requires a master key to gain entry. Oh, and there are armed guards. As the vault sits on an impenetrable frozen layer of permafrost, tunnelling from below is impossible. The use of high explosives is similarly futile; the vault is shielded on all sides by at least 150 metres of frozen rock. Cutting the island’s power supply is also pointless, as the permafrost ensures temperatures inside the complex never nudge above -3.5°C, helping to ensure that the seeds remain healthy for up to two millennia. Even getting up close is difficult, due to the perimeter walls of fortified brick that overlook the single approach road. There, with polar bears doubling as sentries, it seems that nature herself is keen to safeguard the vault’s valuable booty. In a nutshell, destroying the Svalbard Global Seed Vault looks bloody tricky. Yet these difficulties must be overcome. The brilliance of sabotaging the Svalbard seed vault cannot be overstated. And, unlikely as it seems, it is the polar bears that hold the key to penetrating the most environmentally prized bank of all.
Raid on
Getting to the region is easy enough. Frequent flights go from Oslo to the archipelago’s one major settlement, Longyearbyen, which has a population of 2,300 and is a short drive from the vault. The timing of your arrival on Svalbard is crucial. You must ensure your vacation in Longyearbyen coincides with a fresh delivery of seeds to the vault. The first consignment of 250,000 arrived in February 2008. Another two or three million unique varieties have yet to arrive, with room for 4.5 million samples in all. Regular imports of batches are expected to be flown in from around the world. From now on you must monitor the websites of various conservation groups, such as the Royal Horticultural Society and, most importantly, the Global Diversity Crop Trust, the brains behind the project, who, along with other groups, will issue press notices to keep everyone informed of progress. Once you know the next scheduled arrival, book four airline tickets (you will need a team of at least this size to successfully execute this mission). With your team based at one of Longyearbyen’s hotels, your cover story is that you are in Svalbard to shoot…erm, spot some polar bears. In actual fact, you are keeping watch for the arrival of international botanists bringing in the latest genetic safeguards. When these botanists arrive, they will probably head straight to the vault. Jump into your hired 4x4 and follow discreetly. If fortune is on your side, their arrival will be timed between November and January, when there is unbroken darkness, allowing you to follow their convoy undetected.
Keep your weapons handy. Anyone straying outdoors in Svalbard is required to carry a high-powered assault rifle in case a polar bear attempts to find its dinner. As an upstanding steward of the planet, you are merely obeying the instructions contained within the Norwegian ministry for the environment’s glossy Svalbard tourist brochure, which stipulates: ‘Carry a weapon when travelling outside the settlements. Shoot to kill.’ You do not need reminding. Thank heavens for polar bears, for without them you’d have little excuse to be armed.
As the botanists approach the narrow bridge to the vault’s entrance, they will have to unveil a master key. That is your signal. Ram the complex’s outer gates and open fire on the armed guards. The element of surprise should ensure a clean victory. Accelerate towards the bridge, leap from your jeep and take the botanists hostage. With assault rifles pressed to the temples of these well-meaning plant scientists, force them inside the vault, leaving two of your team to guard the entrance. Once inside, march them along the 120-metre reinforced-concrete tunnel that slopes gently into the frozen heart of the vault.
Laughing all the way
By now, the closed-circuit security monitoring system will have relayed live footage to Norwegian and Swedish security departments. Simultaneously, warnings will have alerted the scores of countries involved in the project. Keep the muzzles of your assault rifles to the foreheads of the hostages while holding up a sign to the CCTV, explaining that you will shoot to kill if anything enters the vault. You’re no longer talking polar bears. Use the master key to gain access to all three air-locked 10-by-30-metre chambers where the actual seeds are stored. The specimens are kept inside grey aluminium envelopes placed in plastic boxes lined up on metal shelving. Systematically start emptying boxes – each holds four hundred envelopes – upon the chamber floor and grind the seeds under the heels of your boots. Destroy the entire contents of the chamber, move on to the next room and, finally, the third. Mission accomplished.
You realized long ago that there would be no way out, that at this point you would be trapped. Shortly, you will become a martyr, feted across the planet as someone who had the courage and conviction to sacrifice their freedom to ensure others would never have theirs. You will never be forgotten. Of course, the seed bank may, in time, be replenished, but it also might not. You will have proven that disaster can strike anywhere, any time. Nowhere, not even the furthest reaches of the planet, is safe from environmental destruction. The message to world leaders? They can try all they want, but there is no point attempting to protect the planet’s future with people like you around.
WHAT’S THE DAMAGE?
* Domestic flight overshoots Longyearbyen airfield and crashes, slap bang, into mountainside containing vault. No damage is reported to seed bank. Plausible.
* Leading botanist suffering profound mid-life crisis loses mind inside seed bank and starts destroying contents, finally locking himself