50 Ways to F**k the Planet. David Glick
the demise of their planet. And such delightful ironies should never be passed over in your laudable quest to f**k the planet.
But there is a problem; a biological conundrum that has proved nigh on impossible to crack. Krill are a smart bunch, boasting a self-defence system that explains why this 5-centimetre-long shrimp has managed to amass the greatest populational biomass of any multi-cellular species in modern evolution. Despite decades of attempts, the krill has unerringly outwitted man’s attempts to exploit its bounty. Somehow, these crustaceans had the annoying evolutionary sense to develop a unique trait – once snared in a fishing net, they immediately self-destruct. The instant they are hauled on deck, potent enzymes are unleashed inside their bodies, causing their insides to rot. In a moment their colour drains from pink to grey and their bodies dissolve into inedible mulch. It is a deeply vexing state of affairs. Not only has this self-defence mechanism ensured their abundance, it has preserved Antarctica’s entire ecosystem.
All that is about to change. For the first time in history, the swift eradication of the innumerable, ingenious krill can be safely predicted. Thrilling reports have begun circulating in maritime circles of a technological breakthrough that will syndicate the end of the world’s last great untapped fishery. Kjell Inge Rokke, Norway’s richest man, and owner of Aker fishing conglomerate, is a man who must be courted. His firm has lodged a patent for a system allowing krill to be piped in their billions on to a trawler’s deck and frozen immediately. Overnight, the crustacean has become fit for consumption. History confirms that there is nothing quite like the arrival of a new cheap fish to hasten premature extinction.
Rokke’s patent is gold-dust in the currency of species annihilation. The profits to be made from this largely untouched resource are stupendous. A recent appraisal by Swedish bank Enskilda estimated Rokke’s krill venture at £2.2 billion a year. And that’s just the profit. Offers of investment should be forwarded directly to Rokke, who will probably sniff at any piffling amount of money you may be able to offer but might be tempted by the promise that his invention will become widespread. There are various other reasons to believe he might make himself available to listen to proposals that include monopolizing krill until complete exhaustion. After all, this is the billionaire who served a jail sentence after attempting to bribe a Swedish yacht inspector for a new fishing licence.
Rokke the boat
As always, time is of the essence, and you should aim to approach Rokke’s people as soon as possible. Modification work has already started on the Aker fishing vessels. Latest intelligence suggests that refurbishment of the 92-metre trawler, the Saga Sea, is proceeding apace. Once ready, the Saga Sea will be able to vacuum a record 120,000 tonnes of krill in a single fishing season. Soon afterwards, a new £85 million krill vessel will be constructed with the ability to catch almost double that amount. Calculations confirm that a 25-strong fleet of Rokke’s super-trawlers, each working just one season a year, would exhaust the Southern Ocean’s conservative estimate of 60 million tonnes of krill in a decade. And he has the personal wealth to fund the entire lot. Although rival fishing conglomerates are eyeing up Antarctica’s pristine killing grounds and its promise of a quick slaughter, flamboyant Rokke is the man. His wealth has been largely built on fish. Let’s hope the industrialist will not shirk his greatest opportunity yet.
Ideally, any business model presented to Rokke should be inspired by the scale of exploitation previously seen on the Grand Banks off Newfoundland, one of the most inspiring episodes of man’s early forays into species extinction. In the sixteenth century, these Canadian waters were so brimming with cod that sailors bragged of walking to land across their scaly spines. Once the world’s most bountiful fishing ground, the Grand Banks were closed in the early Nineties. Fishermen had seen fit to target these waters as if cod were inexhaustible. The cod have never returned.
Examination of the Newfoundland fishing strategy also underlines the importance of attention to detail when conducting the fine art of annihilating a species. Rokke’s fleet must target the periphery of Antarctica’s ice sheets during the summer months. This is the time when penguins and seals forage for the crustacean to feed their young. Life may be tough out in the freezing, dark waters of the Southern Ocean. Without krill, it is impossible. A report by the Royal Commission on Environmental Pollution warns of krill’s importance in sustaining seals, whales and penguins and ensures that any krill cull will be ‘deeply emotive’. Which, for your purposes, only underlines the need to get moving. To offset the risk of meddling greenies, an unswervingly misleading PR campaign blaming dwindling penguin and seal populations on the vagaries of climate change should be prepared. Particular attention should be paid to seals. People get unusually animated over their fate and, should your campaign prove successful, they will start shouting at the US or China rather than Rokke’s well-trained fleet. You should also make the most of the lack of hard science surrounding the krill. Any tiresome Preserve the Penguin or Save the Seal campaigns that do make the link with gradually depleting krill stocks will be countered with bogus data challenging their reliance on the crustacean. There seems scant prospect of a queue forming in front of anyone deluded enough to find themselves rattling a Keep the Krill collection tin. A shrimp the size of a pen-top can only fail to impress in a world where only the fluffy and oversized are championed by conservationists. Give them a choice of saving either the bug-eyed shrimp or the lion and, well, down with the krill.
The PR offence should not stop there. A lobbying campaign needs to be mounted championing more liberalized krill-fishing quotas in the Southern Ocean. This is unlikely to meet with objections. The treaty protecting Antarctica promotes freedom of scientific investigation. If the Japanese can restart whale slaughtering under the pretext of academia, then mopping up an extra squillion or so krill should be a formality. The details of the Convention for the Conservation of Antarctic Marine Living Resources – the coalition which governs its seas – offers no additional concern. Structurally, the convention is perfect; the usual mishmash of competing agencies obligated to make decision by consensus. One negative vote can block a crucial conservation measure. They rarely agree. The US is just one nation who can be counted on to disagree on any matter of conservational importance. A cursory inspection of the convention’s fishing regulations generates further confidence. Not only is the krill fishery exempt from the few guidelines in existence but, unlike other catches, krill trawlers are not required to submit information on their intentions. Rokke is no doubt aware of such small-print. In addition, trawlers are not obliged to carry satellite-tracking systems, ensuring that officials are clueless as to where Rokke’s fleet are hunting in an ocean four and a half times the area of Australia. And, finally, there is the trusted black art of the fishing industry, namely, fiddling the quota.
Be confident that humans will take to krill like a fish to water. In the endless quest for a longer life people crave nothing more than another miracle food. Krill fits the bill; an antioxidant-rich shell-fish straight from the unpolluted waters of the deep south. Care should be taken to advertise the crustacean as ‘krab’ rather than ‘krill stix’. It is of the utmost importance that this tiny creature is vanquished without sinking into public consciousness. The krill cannot be blamed for assuming they would survive for ever. Unfortunately for them, their days are numbered.
WHAT’S THE DAMAGE?
* Rokke rudely rejects your offer of help and adopts a sustainable-fisheries plan. Plausible.
* Guidelines for krill trawlers in Southern Ocean are unexpectedly tightened. Unlikely.
* Krill become the ‘superfood’ of the fit and fashionable. By 2012, harvests cannot keep pace with demand. Conceivable.
* Fishermen working off Antarctica are prosecuted for the first time for exceeding quota limits. Plans to over-fish the Southern Ocean rapidly scaled down. Little chance.
* Krill breeding rates confound all expectations, making them impossible to eradicate. Slight prospect.
Likelihood that krill is extinct by 2020: 70%