Classic After-Dinner Sports Tales. Jonathan Rice
asked each other how we had got our names. Mine, Barlow, I said came about because a Mr Bar who owned a pub married a Miss Low who was not very tall. Peter Carlstein, we said, was related to the Swedish King Carl Gustav, hence the Carl, and his ancestor had married a princess of Stein. Johnny Waite and I decided to carry the game a little further and on the day of the first Test he received a telegram, common in those days, which said ‘Good luck Peter from Gus’.
‘Who the hell is Gus?’ asked Peter. ‘Well, obviously it is the King of Sweden,’ we said, and some good-natured ribbing ensued. The word must have got out for when he walked out to the crease and took guard, Wally Grout greeted him with the words. ‘Good morning Your Royal Highness,’ He was out first ball to Richie Benaud’s famous flipper.
ALEC BEDSER
Probably the greatest fast-medium bowler ever to have played for England, Sir Alec Bedser CBE carried the England bowling attack in the years immediately after World War II. By the time he retired, he had taken 236 Test wickets – a record at the time, including 39 in the Ashes-winning series of 1953.
In 1946, Surrey CCC played a match in aid of the club’s Centenary Appeal Fund, against an Old England Eleven. Some 18,000 spectators came. The Old England side comprised Sutcliffe, Sandham, Hendren, Woolley, Jardine, Tate and M.J.C. Allom among others. The captain was Percy Fender. Surrey fielded their full county side but the match was obviously played in a light-hearted way.
Frank Woolley, the great Kent and England batsman, made a good score, and during his innings, my brother Eric and I decided to have a bit of fun. Frank Woolley had not met us, and did not know we were twins. Eric bowled slow off-spinners and I bowled fast-medium. We decided to bowl one over between us. I bowled the first three balls to Frank Woolley, and then we switched over in a way that nobody noticed, so that Eric bowled the last three balls. At the end of the over, Frank Woolley turned to our wicket-keeper and said, ‘That young man has a wonderful change of pace.’ Everybody had a good laugh, including Frank, when we explained the trick to him.
DEREK BELL
Racing driver who competed at Formula 3, Formula 2 and Formula 1 before going on to become one of the leading sports car drivers of his generation. He won two World Sportscar titles (in 1985 and 1986), five victories in the Le Mans 24 Hours and three in Daytona 24 Hours, between 1975 and 1987.
The car that didn’t make it.
A well-respected racing driver was invited by the designer to test a particularly poor-handling racing car. After a few laps at a modest pace at Silverstone, the driver pulled into the pits, climbed out of the car, removed his helmet, looked at the designer and, with his broad Aussie accent, said, ‘John, you are a bloody genius!’
John was overcome with excitement that this star driver thought his car so good!
‘Really Frank?’ the designer said.
‘Yes John, you have two cars here, one at the front and one at the back’…and he strolled off.
RICHIE BENAUD
Not only one of the great leg-spinners and captains in Australia’s cricket history, a man who retired after taking 248 wickets and scoring 2,201 runs in his 63 Tests, but also one of the legendary cricket commentators, whose laconic and precise style is often imitated but rarely matched.
Some cricket spectators have long memories. A few are brilliant with their repartee and, when they marry that with a good memory, the effect can be devastating.
Forty-nine years ago, I toured the West Indies and played in all five Tests. This had come at the end of a rather harrowing experience in Australia against Frank Tyson and Brian Statham, who were the earth-shattering fast bowlers in the MCC team captained by the late Sir Leonard Hutton.
In the Caribbean, led by Ian Johnson, Australia won the First Test by nine wickets, drew the Second and won the Third in Georgetown by eight wickets in only four days. When we played the Fourth, in Barbados, we made 668 and had West Indies in all kinds of trouble at 147/6 on the third evening. It looked a ‘lay down misère’.
Assume nothing in this game.
The next day, the overnight not-out batsmen, Denis Atkinson (219) and Clairemonte Depeiza (122), batted throughout the five hours’ play, Atkinson with some lovely strokes and Depeiza with his nose and his bat touching the pitch. Nothing got past, not even the ones which kept low. Clairemonte and the horizontal defensive stroke were inseparable that day.
The next morning I bowled to Depeiza, he lifted his head, balanced on one leg, essayed a flamboyant back-foot drive and the ball ran straight along the ground and bowled him.
In 1991, when I was working on television for Channel Nine in the Caribbean, I was in Barbados and just about to host the ‘intro’ to the one-day game eventually won by the Australians to give them that Limited-Overs series. No one knew at that time Australia were about to win. The crowd was in high good humour. They knew they were in for an exciting game, and some were even celebrating and toasting their heroes pre-match. Loudly!
At least one of them also had his cricket history in good shape.
In my earpiece the Director’s voice said, ‘Fifteen seconds to on-air’ and there was, for some reason, a momentary hush around the ground, with drums and cymbals silenced. As if on cue, came a very loud, and very Bajan voice.
‘Hey, Sir Richard Benaud,’ it echoed around the small ground.
Now he had everyone’s attention.
‘You de son of dat guy who couldn’t get out Atkinson and Depeiza all de fourth day in 1955?’ I managed a quick and slightly tight smile to acknowledge the minor connection, even if he did have the family line slightly astray.
‘If you couldn’t bowl dem out, you do right to take up television, man,’ he continued, just as I was saying, ‘Good morning and welcome to the paradise island of the Caribbean.’
But I was saying it through my own laughter and that of a thousand spectators in the Kensington Stand right behind me.
The man’s timing was perfect, and so was his memory.
BOB BEVAN
What can one say about Bob The Cat that he has not said already? He is not only the old Wilsonians greatest ever 6th-XI goalkeeper, but also one of Britain’s greatest after-dinner speakers. He was for many years a Trustee of the Lord’s Taverners.
Last October, I sat in the dressing room before our first round AFA 6th-XI cup-tie. I was resting in between tying up my left boot and my right boot – the doctor has told me not to lace up one immediately after the other – when a young player in the corner piped up,
‘Pardon me, Cat, but is this the first round?’ I bit my lip. A tear rolled down my cheek. I tried to catch it, but missed.
‘Yes son,’ I said sadly. ‘We only play in first rounds.’
In my first game of the 2003 season for Bells Yew Green away to Outwood, it might be fair to say that my fielding was not yet into its usual mid-season sharpness. Our captain,
Mark Beard, who as club treasurer is not generally noted for his humour, said to me, ‘I’ve found out how to hide you in the field.’
‘How?’ I enquired.
‘I’m bringing you on to bowl.’
HAROLD BIRD
Dickie Bird MBE played county cricket for Yorkshire and Leicestershire and then went on to become our best known and best loved umpire. At the start of his 66th and final Test, at Lord’s in 1996, the Indian players