Boundaries: Say No Without Guilt, Have Better Relationships, Boost Your Self-Esteem, Stop People-Pleasing. Jennie Miller
other people appeared in your field? What’s your view on your boundary? Does it feel secure? Does it allow you to be in contact with others or is it too rigid?
Are you surprised at your responses? Looking back at this boundary, would you consider it to be good enough? If not, write down what that ‘perfect’ boundary might look like. For example, if the boundary that first came into your mind had a perimeter of barbed wire, would you prefer it to be a natural, more porous hedge? It’s useful to do this exercise and imagine a physical boundary, but don’t worry – this mental picture can and will change as you become more confident of your needs.
So, why do your own boundaries matter in the context of others’ behaviour? Let’s consider Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe’s famous castaway, who chose to live to a routine that helped him – in his own words – ‘stay sane’. With no one around him to impose boundaries, rules, or expectations on him, his survival – and happiness – depended on him making and keeping promises to himself in terms of behaviour.
But how would anyone fare on a desert island with no self-rules? Think of an alternative destination: the location in Lord of the Flies, William Golding’s novel of 1954. In this book, a group of young boys are marooned on an island and must find their own way in order to survive. One of the older boys, Piggy, appeals to reason, ‘Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill? … law and rescue, or hunting and breaking things up?’ But the other children – who don’t display any personal boundaries – do not know how to control their impulses, and soon individual lives and the group’s salvation are threatened.
Which island would you rather live on? One which is governed by good sense, responsible behaviour and self-care or the other, which has the false attraction of there being no boundaries? This feels like the ultimate freedom, but descends in time to anarchy and survival of the fittest.
EXERCISE: The Debating Table
In this exercise, we are going to show you how to identify their ‘self’. Our inner voice or sense of self is multi-faceted. Everyone has competing thoughts, feelings and beliefs which influence their conscious choices; you will have been accumulating these (often without knowing) since birth. Some we take heed of more than others. This exercise is about learning to listen to your whole ‘self’ before you make a decision – not just the voices that shout loudest.
Picture yourself sitting at a favourite table where you might reasonably have a work discussion or family debate. This could be in a boardroom, a kitchen, or even outside in your garden. You are sitting at the head of the table. This is you at your most composed – you are aware of all that is around you, thinking and feeling with conscious good intent.
As an example, we’re going to explore what would happen in the case of a holiday windfall.
You are handed a piece of paper that says that you have won £1,000 to spend on a holiday but you have to decide where you are going within the next hour or the offer will expire.
As you look up from this piece of paper, the table has become populated with others who feel familiar to you. They sit down on all sides and begin to discuss the offer.
Notice that there is a child at the table bouncing up and down and saying, ‘Can we go to the beach, can we go to the beach?’ You feel an excitement in yourself at this response. When was the last time you went to the sea and had a beach holiday? That would be great, you think.
But then a stern voice coming from an older person than yourself sat at the other side of the table says, ‘Well, that sounds a frivolous waste of money. We should put it to good use and go on a cultural trip – I vote for a coach drive across Europe. Think of all the cities we could pack in.’
As the chair of the discussion, you notice the disappointment of the child whose shoulders droop.
‘Driving for hours? Yuck,’ they retort.
To you, the idea of the drive is appealing and yes, it would be a good use of the money you think, but you notice that you don’t feel as excited as at the beach holiday idea.
The older person is talking again: ‘This is a lot of money and shouldn’t be wasted on a beach holiday, this is for the grown-ups to decide.’
Again, you clock the disappointed expression of the child.
But now you notice another child sat very quietly, hands in their lap, looking around at everyone: ‘Please may I say something?’ they say as they put their hand up. You nod encouragement.
They continue, ‘Well, I would like to go on the drive. I know it would be good for me and make everyone else happy.’ The older one nods with approval and the child goes slightly pink with pleasure at this acknowledgement.
The child who wanted to go to the beach bursts into tears. At their shoulder, another child appears and bangs their fists on the table, shouting, ‘It’s not fair, you never listen to me,’ while glaring at the older person.
A soothing voice floats across the table; another older person has appeared. ‘There, there. We will listen to you but not while you are shouting. I like the idea of both holidays but maybe we could find another solution. This shouldn’t be just for us. Who else can we take? I know that Uncle Theo hasn’t had a holiday for ages, so I vote for a city break near a beach and we take Uncle Theo.’
The quiet child’s response: ‘I agree.’
The shouty child’s response: ‘Yuck, I hate Uncle Theo! He smells.’
The beach child’s response: ‘No, thanks. I still vote for beach.’
The first older person’s response: ‘We will decide what’s best; it’s not a decision for children.’
The second older person’s response: ‘Well, we need to find a solution that’s nice for all of us.’
All eyes turn and look at you. ‘What shall we do?’ they say in unison.
Now, think about what you would do in this scenario. What would be your decision? And who has the loudest voice at your table, because this is a metaphor for you and the different ‘selves’ you are made up from.
Now draw your debating table in your Learning Journal.
Some of these ‘selves’ – happy, demanding, thoughtful, pleasing, controlling – will be more familiar to you than others. Notice that some of the voices – the happy, cross, eager-to-please selves – are like children while the controlling and organising voices remind us of the older people who have influenced us, such as parents, grandparents, teachers, uncles, aunts, nannies, older siblings and anyone in authority. This is because our feelings, thoughts and behaviours are shaped – consciously and unconsciously – when we are children looking to our parents (or those in an influential role). Think about who you have identified as someone who would be around your table.
We’ll be referring to some feelings, thoughts, or behaviours as ‘Child-like’ or ‘Parental’ from now on, and also to those moments when you are being your most authentic self as ‘Adult’. These Adult moments are when you chair meetings at this table and make decisions based on all available evidence presented to you at this time.
Think of this as your personal debating table; the voices are the various aspects of you. None are superior in status whatever they say – all need to be heard.
Draw the Line: a healthy self-boundary means taking all of those voices into consideration, but the Adult makes the decision.
Transactional Analysis
The terms ‘Parent’, ‘Adult’ and ‘Child’ are used in a model of psychotherapy, counselling, education and organisation called Transactional Analysis, which is the basis for the exercises given in this book. You don’t need to study TA to use and benefit from this book but we have included an appendix at the back which goes into the theory in more detail for anyone interested in learning more (see page 289).
And