.
for themselves.
The couple explained to Jennie that every New Year’s resolution for the past half-decade would be to join the local gym and get fit. Both had a history of type 2 diabetes in the family, and as they approached middle age, they were keen to avoid that illness, and indeed any others. Both regularly moaned to each other about thickening waistlines and feeling a bit sluggish.
But when the local gym had a membership offer, Liam – frustrated by Grace’s procrastination – had filled in a form for himself (self-care in action), leaving her form on the kitchen table.
Liam told Jennie he felt guilty, although he also felt really motivated to take action. Grace meanwhile said she felt let down and left behind. She was so cross she could hardly look at Liam as she talked, even though this seemed at first sight to be quite a minor incident.
Liam did offer up that he felt bad every time he went to the gym but his drive to get fit was overriding. There were moments of doubt of course, particularly when he came home tired from work and Grace was already sipping wine in front of a new box set. He told Jennie he was torn between flopping down next to her, but wanting to honour his commitment to a new kickboxing class.
As he talked, Grace started looking sulky and withdrawn. Here, Liam was caught between setting a clear self-boundary for himself regarding fitness and his desire to please his partner. Neither could see how to resolve this.
Jennie began by asking them to reflect back to that scene – and to look at what was happening with their thoughts and feelings. She was using the debating table technique.
Liam said his thoughts and feelings were as follows:
• A pull to join Grace on the sofa – ‘It’s more important to have harmony in the home and a happy Grace than going to the gym; I can get fit some other time.’
• ‘I could sit on the sofa to please her; bringing crisps and more wine.’
• ‘I’m feeling insecure – are we drifting apart?’
• ‘I want to start nagging Grace to join me. If I persist long enough, surely she will get off the sofa?’
• One quieter voice at the table wanted to express a more frustrated opinion – that of a rebellious child: ‘I want to storm out – I feel undermined and angry.’
Grace listened and responded with the feelings and thoughts present at her own internal debating table:
• ‘Why doesn’t Liam want us to be happy the way we always were? What’s changed?’
• ‘I’m feeling insecure – is this behaviour driven by something or someone outside the home?’
• ‘Is he going to get fit and not want me anymore?’
• ‘Why should I go at his pace? I’ll go when I’m ready.’ That is Grace’s rebellious inner child talking.
• ‘It’s too late, he’ll already be so much fitter. I can’t catch up.’
• ‘He’s irresponsible – we can’t afford this.’
• ‘He’s selfish – because he’s spending our money without consultation.’
And underlying all of these:
• ‘I’m scared. I feel very frightened at the thought of walking into a gym, and above all else, I have a bigger fear of losing Liam.’
So how did Jennie advise the couple to find their way through all this emotional confusion and internalised chaos and start down the road to better self-care?
Having done the debating table exercise, Jennie asked them to listen to all their competing voices in this scenario and work out what each was trying to say, before making a decision about how to act.
Jennie unpicked some of their comments. She pointed out that Liam’s urge to join Grace and abandon his own exercise isn’t as kind as it sounds. This sort of care is colluding with the problem. Both would end up not going to the gym – and not forming a self-boundary around fitness – which ultimately would be the worst decision. Jennie noted none of his responses seemed to have been made in a considered here-and-now way. She commented that it would appear that his weak self-boundary put him at the mercy of his and Grace’s feelings and thoughts, buffeted about and feeling frustrated as a result.
Taking into account Grace’s feelings and thoughts, Jennie observed that there was little headspace here for thoughtful and reasoned decision-making. No wonder both were becoming entrenched in their positions.
This feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place with no other options is your alarm call that boundaries are missing or about to be breached, and a pause button is needed. In pressing that button, you will gain breathing space to assess your thoughts and feelings and become aware there are always more options. There is a way out.
So with Liam and Grace, Jennie explained that they needed to set and keep to clear self-boundaries around their own behaviour, and stop expecting the other to change and match them. That they needed to be more open about their thoughts and feelings, and stop expecting the other to mind-read, a common theme with couples.
Liam and Grace agreed to take a fresh look at the situation and map out a way they could resolve this together by accepting they had other mutual beneficial options.
Draw the Line: in any situation where you are trying to renew or develop self-boundaries, you need to make a plan. Be aware that the greatest pressure on you may well come from those closest to you because love can soften any boundary.
Liam and Grace’s plan looked like this:
Step 1: Liam sits down and asks for the TV to be turned off for five minutes.
Step 2: Liam states he is feeling uncomfortable about going to the gym but knows for his health he must maintain the routine.
Step 3: Grace authentically responds about how she is genuinely feeling. This means revealing she feels scared – and talking about her feelings rather than criticising Liam.
Step 4: This opens up a dialogue between them as to what is happening in the here and now.
Step 5: In understanding each other Liam still goes to the gym, but having assuaged her concerns, Grace agrees to accompany him the next time or she decides the gym isn’t for her, but agrees that it is right for him.
This is based on a conclusion that Liam going to the gym is to both their benefits; keeping Liam healthy will mean Grace doesn’t face the prospect of supporting or nursing him through chronic illness in later life. Meanwhile Liam can be supportive over Grace’s concerns about fitness but ultimately, she must make her own decision, and set her own self-boundary. That could look like Liam working out at the gym three times a week, and Grace deciding to swim at the local pool during two lunchtimes each week.
They both accept that this means slight timetable changes at home but have established fitness boundaries that are likely to last, based as they are on each individual’s own reasonable expectations and self-care, not the demands of others.
Draw the Line: bear in mind every boundary you bolster through reading this book will have a knock-on effect on another boundary, possibly one belonging to someone else.
Having just worked through an example of setting self-care boundaries around fitness, you will find that the same approach works for any boundary you are concerned about: examine the problem using the debating table, analyse where you can make changes, set a plan and execute it.
Before you move on, turn to your Learning Journal, and start your own plan for your fitness self-boundaries.
The self-boundary around what and how we eat – like