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not to your taste, the chances are you will have also felt a strong reaction to seeing the words ‘eating habits’ – perhaps even a judgemental one.
Now is not the time to be swayed off-course. Your dietary needs are important as being well-fuelled is not just an end in itself, it’s vital to establishing all your self-boundaries. Food for human beings is not an option or a luxury.
First, let’s make it plain that when we talk about eating habits we don’t just mean a diet to shed weight. We’re talking about a lifelong healthy attitude towards food and drink, which nourishes as well as pleases.
So what is your initial reaction to food? Tick any of these which apply:
‘I should be on a slimming diet, I shouldn’t eat sugar, I shouldn’t eat meat, I shouldn’t eat bread.’
• ‘I shouldn’t eat on the run, I should eat at a table.’
• ‘It’s my job to feed everyone else. I believe I am always having to cook even if I’m not hungry. I like to feed others.’
• ‘Men need to eat large portions of meat to stay strong.’
• ‘I eat a sandwich at my desk because that’s my workplace culture.’
• ‘I need to stop and eat. I must have three courses.’
• ‘I like keeping chocolate in the house as it tests my willpower and I feel good when others eat it and I don’t.’
• ‘I never allow myself what I would really like – a sticky bun. I’m an expert at counting calories.’
• ‘I’ve done every diet. None work.’
• ‘I don’t like it but I notice what other people eat, and I can’t seem to stop myself judging them in my head.’
Note any you recognise or endorse. Do they sound a little bossy or authoritative?
Other reactions might be more emotional, child-like, compliant, or rebellious:
• ‘I have to eat everything on my plate, I have to have pudding. I need to eat at a certain time. Food is comforting, soothing and/or rewarding.’
• ‘One biscuit isn’t enough. No one will know if I eat more, it’s my naughty secret.’
• ‘I only feel OK if I have chocolate.’
• ‘I don’t like to eat in front of other people.’
• ‘I feel good empty.’
• ‘I feel good full.’
• ‘I’ll happily swap calories in food for calories in alcohol.’
• ‘I toy with my food.’
• ‘I believe I have food intolerances.’
• ‘I get angry if I can’t get what I want to eat or when I want to eat.’
• ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’
• ‘I will eat what I like and hang the consequences.’
You may have felt any or all of these at some time. So, how can you shift into an Adult, boundaried approach to eating?
BRING IN THE BOUNDARIES:
Your Eating Habits Plan
We’re now going to show you how to make a plan around your eating so you can establish those dietary self-boundaries.
First, ask yourself what statements did you agree with from the examples above? It is likely you will have reacted strongly to one set or the other.
The first set – the Parental-type authoritative or judgemental messages – included: ‘you should do this’, ‘it’s bad to eat like that’. The second set are more emotional child-like messages: ‘I have to eat it all up’, ‘one biscuit isn’t enough’. Or you may be assailed by a mixture of the two. Let’s look at how you can break the cycle of messages and establish a new healthy self-boundary for each of your possible responses.
If you agree with the parental-type messages
First, acknowledge the problem. You may have already realised you cannot ignore those messages. Develop a mantra to use when you hear those voices. For example, ‘I hear you but that’s really not useful to me right now’.
Admit the history of your habit. You may have been eating according to guidelines put in place 30 years ago (e.g., always eat your potatoes first, never eat meat on a Friday). But you can acknowledge that the habit is not relevant for you now and it is time to change. You can take a decision that is right for you today, not as a response to those past messages/beliefs.
We’d like you to think of some strategies and note them down in your Learning Journal; these prompts will help you start:
• Do you know the difference between feeling hungry and thirsty?
• Focus on yourself and not what other people are eating.
• Stop fixating on your own food choices.
• Let others do the cooking; step back at least once a week.
• Having examined your own behaviour, what three small changes could you put in place? Write these down. Now, make a plan of who or what is most likely to sabotage your updated eating habits and how you could stop them breaching your new self-boundaries. Note down every week in your Learning Journal how you feel. Don’t forget it takes a month to change a habit so be patient but consistent.
EXERCISE: Reset the Work Lunch
Did you nod in agreement at ‘I eat at my desk/on the run’? If so, you may be thinking: what’s wrong with that? I can keep working, and my boss sees how committed I am. Or if you are the boss, your employees can see how seriously you take your job.
But consider, where is the enjoyment in what you are eating, or pleasure in having a break? Eating while working will involve gulping down your food – you may not feel full, you may eat for longer than you need, or you may suffer indigestion. You also risk not monitoring how you are feeling as you eat so may well eat more or less than you think.
You are certainly denying yourself a natural break in the day. Is it really your boss’s and co-workers’ expectations that you should eat at your desk every day or are you buying into an unhealthy work culture? Rather than your boss respecting you for your devotion, they may see you as a bit of a doormat – and what happens to doormats? They get walked on.
Draw the Line: don’t let fear or embarrassment get in the way of caring for yourself. You cannot support others until your own foundations are truly secure.
Acknowledge that you are not caring for yourself either physically or practically in terms of your career with this action. Note that it will feel uncomfortable to change this behaviour. It is going to take a while to feel OK.
Week One: make a contract with yourself. For the first five days, decide to leave your desk for 30 minutes at lunchtime – and set the time you will do this. It might be 12.30 p.m., 1 p.m., or 1.30 p.m. depending on what suits your work. You need to get up and walk away from your desk, taking your lunch with you, or going to another place like the canteen, a local café, or a bench in the park. Accept that you will feel uncomfortable but that sensation will change as you persist.
Week Two: it may have been a bit bumpy (people might have wondered where you were, phones may have gone unanswered, but the world of work has not fallen apart) so now you need to firm up that boundary – and give yourself 60 minutes. It may help to note the benefits at this point: you get to recharge your batteries, you talk to different work colleagues in the canteen, you notice you no longer get heartburn in the afternoon, you see other colleagues develop the confidence to do the same, and you realise your boss may respect you more.
Week