Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence. Leil Lowndes
haven’t changed much for those of us who are shy. Well-meaning friends and family still say, ‘C’mon, just force yourself to … go to the party/ask her for a date/talk to him/request a pay rise/join the conversation/speak up at the meeting …’
Don’t they know how hard it is? The anxiety? The wanting to be invisible? The fear you’ll say something stupid? The sparkling conversations in your head that you don’t have the courage to start? Yet you know you have a lot to offer, and if you could just make eye-contact, speak up and stop hiding out in the kitchen at parties, everything would be OK, and you could get on with your life.
When I was a kid, I had all the usual questions, ‘Why is the sky blue?’ ‘Did Eve have a belly button?’ ‘What was the best thing before sliced bread?’
But ‘Why am I shy?’ wasn’t one of them. I didn’t care why. I just wanted a quick cure. However, as a recovered shy, I now realize origins are important. They give you a realistic picture of yourself, what to expect, and how to go about it.
I’ve heard Shys speculate …
‘It must have been Mum and Dad’s fault.’
‘Nah, it was those nasty kids in the neighbourhood who called me names.’
‘I think it’s genetic.’
Actually it can be all of the above. You will discover there are several basic types of Shy. You are either a ‘Highly Sensitive Shy’ (HSS) who was born with a proclivity towards timidity, or a ‘Situational Shy’ whose parents and youthful experiences deeply affected you. You could be a little bit of both. Each must have different goals, and each can expect different, but remarkable, results.
The 1940s gave us a gift which saved millions of lives. It is called penicillin. Recent years have given us a gift which can save millions the agony of shyness, which is often called ‘Social Anxiety Disorder’. It is not a drug, but it is a formula. It derives from studies on shyness conducted by pioneering researchers in sociology, psychiatry, genetics, biology, physiology and pharmacology. It sounds complicated but I’ve distilled it down to 66 SHYBUSTERs to cure or curtail your shyness.
I know first-hand how excruciating it is. I used to stand on the sidelines at parties wishing my dress matched the wallpaper to make me invisible. Well into my working years, my face turned into a radish whenever I talked to strangers.
I wish I’d had this book then. I am gratified I can provide it for you now.
A few notes before you start: First, read sequentially through the book so you will understand the significance of each SHYBUSTER. Then, depending on which are most challenging for you personally, you choose the order – easiest to most difficult of course.
Each SHYBUSTER is substantiated by the findings of sociologists and both medical and mental health professionals. If you’d like more information you can go to the original sources, which are referenced in the back of the book. Shyness research is almost synonymous with the names Zimbardo, Carducci, Kagan and a few others. I am grateful to them, and you will find their names many times in the notes.
The stories come from my own stinging shyness and those of Shys I’ve known. Others come from attendees at my shyness seminars. At first I felt inviting people to a ‘Shyness Seminar’ would be like telling participants at a ‘Fear of Tigers’ seminar to meet at the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Happily, however, Shys did come and they shared their experiences openly.
I asked them to e-mail me their triumphs and tribulations so you can read them in their own words. You will also find excerpts from letters that readers of my other books and monthly E-Zine have sent me. At the end of the book there is a list of the first names of those who contributed. Some contributors requested anonymity – substitute names are marked with an asterisk.
If you take time to practise each SHYBUSTER, you’ll soar away from shyness like a butterfly flees its caterpillar prison. I know, because I went from a hermit-teen who was terrified of people to a self-assured woman who now lectures around the country, does media interviews and feels comfortable at any gathering. If these SHYBUSTERs worked for a girl who was shy around her own shadow, they will definitely work for you!
“ Shyness is a curse. Shyness makes me feel like I am an unwanted guest in everyone else’s world. Shyness is the worst personality trait of all, without a doubt. I would rather be obnoxious and boorish than shy. Obnoxious and boorish people don’t seem to be too bothered by being obnoxious and boorish at least.”
TONY V. – SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA
Hooked on ‘Hide and Seek’
Have you ever dodged anyone just to avoid making smalltalk? All Shys have. If I saw an acquaintance coming towards me, I’d cross the street and pray he or she didn’t see me. If there were a shop nearby, I’d dart into it until the coast was clear.
Some people say they’ve had an epiphany at the top of a Himalayan mountain or in a temple in India. Mine was walking along the street. I was window-shopping one Saturday morning when I was a nursery school teacher in Washington DC.
At one point I spotted a fellow teacher strolling towards me. Since I found Mr Fuller quite attractive, the thought of chatting with him was terrifying. In a panic, I dashed into the doorway of the shop I was passing.
I thought I was safe until I heard his voice behind me, ‘Miss Lowndes, what are you doing here?’ I was trapped like a fly under a glass. I pivoted slowly to venture a weak ‘Hello’ and, as I was turning, I saw what kind of shop I’d taken refuge in. It was a triple-X-rated boutique of ‘adult toys’. When I finally mustered the courage to look at his face, Mr Fuller was sporting an enormous grin.
He winked at me and said, ‘Was there anything in particular you were looking for, Miss Lowndes?’ I bolted past him out the door, dashed down the street, and dove into a ‘respectable’ shop to sidestep him.
Needless to say, after that fiasco I never again made eye-contact with Mr Fuller. However, whenever we passed in the hall he’d say ‘Good morning, Miss Lowndes’ in a curiously salacious voice for a second-grade teacher.
Hearing his snide voice filled me with fury, not against Mr Fuller, but against my shyness. I declared war on it and was determined to win.
“ Whenever I avoided anyone on the street, it was a mental relief. I felt good because they didn’t see me. I said to myself, ‘OK, I won’t do it next time.’ But I always did.”
AMANDA – LONDON, ENGLAND
Getting ‘High’ on Avoidance
When ‘Socially Avoidant’ people evade someone, it is more insidious than just a mental relief. It’s not ‘just mental’, any more than taking heroin is just mental. It’s physiological. You are actually getting a ‘high’ from the physical feeling, and it’s harder to resist the next time.
For individuals with Socially Avoidant Personality, anxiety subsides following an avoidant response, thus reinforcing and escalating the avoidant response.1
Go Cold Turkey on the Small Stuff
Avoiding situations is an addictive drug. Right after, you get a