THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ÉMILE ZOLA. Эмиль Золя
She did then feel that there was something lacking in her heart, but she could not tell what it was. As she grew up she became accustomed to the solitude of her life. Her heart had recoiled into itself. She became reckless, almost wicked. Her spirit stirred in her a mocking, aggressive spirit, and she acquired the terrible reputation of being a scoffer. All the tenderness of her affectionate nature went to sleep, so to speak, in the depths of her heart. Even a kiss might perhaps have made a loving, self-sacrificing woman of this sarcastic girl. But then there was no one to give her this kiss.
Then she left the convent and went under the deplorable influence of Madame Tellier. There were two distinct natures in her: the young maiden of mocking spirit, the disdainful rebellious child, and the goodhearted girl who ignored self, and showed, at times, by a mere look, a deeply affectionate disposition. Now she plunged headlong into luxury and gaiety; she satisfied all the feverish desires of her young days, which she had been unable to satisfy. It was a frenzy. At times she felt all the emptiness of the life she led with her aunt, but then she laughed and told herself that she had everything she wanted, and accused herself of longing for things which had no existence. And, truly, love had so far no existence for her. After that she gave herself up wholly to pleasure. She endeavoured to satisfy herself with vanity only; she extracted all the happiness she possibly could from the rustling of her beautiful silks, from the admiration of the crowd, from comfort and wealth; and she thought she was enjoying real life.
The foolish Daniel in his blindness could not penetrate the recesses of that intricate heart. He saw clearly her contemptuous looks, but he did not perceive a tender light in the depths of her eyes. He heard well enough her sharp mocking words, but he did not discern the hidden tears under the bursts of laughter; so he made up his mind that Jeanne had an evil disposition, and he suffered terribly at this unpleasant discovery. Consequently he decided not to make himself known, at least at present. He wished to play the part of an invisible guardian, and not that of an irksome protector. Besides he foresaw that Jeanne’s haughty temperament would shake off the yoke, however light it was. Then how to tell the truth? He would never have found either the courage or necessary words to do so, if he had been compelled to confess to the young girl who he was, and with what mission Madame de Rionne had entrusted him.
What astonished him was to feel his devotion and affection for Jeanne growing, instead of diminishing, since he had decided that she had a bad nature. He experienced for her a mixture of anger and adoration. When he saw her in a mocking humour, when he saw her putting her happiness in a dress or a trinket, he ran and shut himself up in his room; and there he found her again in his mind’s eye such as she had been before — stately, beautiful, and good. Then he vowed he would keep his love for her awake, to be able to worship her unrestrainedly.
So far he could not clearly discover what position the young girl held at her aunt’s. He remembered that Madame de Rionne had spoken to him of impending ruin, and for the last twelve years the father must have been consummating his ruin pretty rapidly. He made some discreet inquiries, and learnt that this fast liver was getting down to his last louis.
And Jeanne — she probably had no fortune at all. From that moment Daniel was astonished at the generous hospitality extended by Madame Tellier to her niece.
The truth was that Madame Tellier had well understood from the first that, in a way, she was adopting her brother’s daughter; and it was for this reason that she left her as long as possible at the convent. Then, when she was getting near her fortieth year, a despondency settled on her from some secret disappointment. She recollected Jeanne at her convent and sent for her, with the idea of getting distraction in seeking a husband for her. Besides, the expenses she incurred for the young girl were mostly for her own pleasures at the same time. She was always the practical woman. In decking out Jeanne she was decking her out for her own sake; she was satisfying solely her own love of luxury and her own vanity. As her niece must be there in her drawingrooms, she would not have allowed her to be there unless she had been thoroughly, smartly dressed.
There might perhaps have been also another feeling in her heart. She was probably delighted to spend the last years of her beauty in flirtations. She engaged in a species of rivalry with this young girl; she was quite delighted when her guests neglected Jeanne to come and pay their court to her. It was a new recreation to her to tell every one that her niece had no dowry, and when the men who were courting Jeanne grew cool, she laughed.
Perhaps even she reckoned on the disastrous effect Jeanne’s rich toilettes produced on her suitors when they learned that this lovely young lady had not a sou. Her niece became to them as a rare but dangerous flower — one that would be too costly to keep. She thus placed Jeanne out of the reach of all, enjoying her own fun immensely. Moreover, she expected to find her a simpleton; but Jeanne’s sharp, reserved, and sarcastic character had given her an agreeable surprise. She had taken quite a fancy to this scoffer; she entertained her vastly, so she stirred her up and urged her on to mischievousness, without thinking that she was doing any harm. Not possessing that quality herself, which should have awakened the dormant goodness in her niece’s heart, the aunt really believed she was conferring on Jeanne a true benefit in giving her a worldly training.
Both lived the same life — the aunt without a qualm, the niece with secret misgivings. In Paris they were received, one as the queen of fashion, the other as an aspirant who one day or other might be queen.
When Daniel, from his bedroom window, saw them enter the same carriage he was seized with fits of anger. He recollected the words of the dying woman, who foresaw the evil influences her husband’s sister would have upon her daughter, and he wondered how he could counteract these evil lessons.
One morning Monsieur Tellier, who had taken a great liking to his secretary, invited him to a soiree he was having that evening. Daniel’s first terrified thought was to refuse. The idea of finding himself in a drawingroom, in the full blaze of many candles, in the midst of a fashionable crowd, was insupportable to him.
Then he heard a voice — the vanished voice of Madame de Rionne — saying to him inwardly: “Everywhere she goes, you must go; you must shield her from the world.” And he accepted Monsieur Tellier’s invitation, in fear and trembling. In the evening he spent over an hour in his room before his glass at his toilet.
The poor young man had not a spark of vanity in him, but he was afraid of looking ridiculous before Jeanne. He managed to dress himself in as quiet a fashion as possible, so as not to attract any one’s attention to himself. Then he went down and slipped into the drawingroom.
On entering Daniel experienced that feeling of suffocation and blindness which a swimmer feels when he plunges his head under water: the lights had advanced before his eyes, the sound of the guests’ voices buzzed in his ears, and he could hardly breathe. For one moment he stood motionless, overwhelmed, fighting against the uncomfortable feeling which oppressed him.
No one had noticed him when he came in. Little by little the weight which crushed him diminished, and he breathed freely again. He could observe the scene he had before him quite clearly — the large drawingroom in white and gold, resplendent with the light of many candles; the gilt bronzes brightly shining, and the walls covered with mirrors, giving out reflections which made the eyes blink.
A close tepid atmosphere gradually pervaded the room from the odour of bouquets mixed with the perfume from bare shoulders.
Daniel noticed that the women sat together at one end of the room, whilst the men were huddled together near the windows and doors. All these people were thus disseminated in small groups — the black coats standing, the silk skirts displayed on the sofas and armchairs. Nothing could be heard but a slight murmur of voices, in which every now and then was mingled a little laughter.
A sort of instinctive respect had taken possession of Daniel. He looked at those serious men and those elegant youths, and he was ready honestly to admire them. Never had he been at such a gathering before. It all came upon him as a surprise; he felt as if he were suddenly transported to a world of light, where everything must be good and beautiful. The rows of armchairs where the ladies, with smiling faces, showed their bare necks and arms covered in jewellery, fascinated him particularly. And then in the midst of them all he perceived Jeanne, proud, triumphant, surrounded by admirers — worshippers