The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри
You have taught me a lesson, Miss White.
LUCY. My Aunt Emily used to say that if it were not for women, men would never learn anything.
COSENS. H’m! I don’t know that I like your Aunt Emily either. Well, I admit I don’t know what is the matter with the Professor. (Suddenly seizing her wrist.) Do you?
LUCY (affecting indignation). How dare you insult me! Just because I am the poor secretary! If I had a brother —
(She goes off in tears.)
COSENS (contrite, calling after her.) I beg your pardon, Miss White. How could you know? I am a brute to make you cry. (Suddenly suspicious.) Was she crying?
(Enter EFFIE with a glass of water and a box of pills.)
EFFIE. Did you call, sir?
COSENS. Effie, did Miss White seem much affected when she went out just now?
EFFIE. Yes, sir, she was laughing.
COSENS. Laughing! Damn! I am going after her.
(Exit.)
EFFIE (going to door after him and calling). Is the master to go on taking his pills? (Reads inscription on pill-box.) One pill to be taken every four hours. (Lays them on small table. She begins to tidy up table, though evidently aware that this is forbidden.)
(Enter the PROFESSOR in long dressing-gown. He pauses in deep thought, stands on tiptoe, sighs, sees EFFIE.)
PROFESSOR. Effie, what are you doing at that table? Go away. Go away. Mustn’t do that — very wrong.
EFFIE. I will tidy.
PROFESSOR. You shall not tidy.
EFFIE. If I remain on here, I tidy.
PROFESSOR. Then you shall not remain on here.
EFFIE. What way to talk is that? How could you do without me?
PROFESSOR. That’s true. Don’t leave me, Effie. Effie, tidy upstairs, tidy downstairs, tidy all the drawers, tidy the kitchen range — tidy me, if you must — (Appealing) But don’t tidy that table!
(She moves from table to small table and takes box of pills and tumbler, bringing them to table. The PROFESSOR goes to back of chair, drums on it with his fingers, stands on tiptoe, sighs, sees EFFIE offering him glass of water, takes it, holds it up to light, says:)
What’s this?
EFFIE. The pills the Doctor prescribed.
PROFESSOR. Oh yes, the pills. (Stares.) I don’t believe the Doctor knows what is the matter with me. Go away, woman. I must work, work.
(Exit EFFIE. The PROFESSOR puts down glass of water, takes a pill and sip of water, puts glass back and pill-box on table. Sits at table, takes up pen — arranges papers — lapses into thought, bites pen, cries ‘Come, come’ — waits for a moment. Starts and rearranges papers. Is perplexed by the idea that EFFIE told him to do something but cannot remember what it is. Is about to call her, remembers the pills, takes one and a sip of water. He tries to work. Absently dips pen in glass of water, finds it won’t work, puts pen in mouth, reaches for large ink-bottle, puts ink in water, takes up fresh pen, dips in inkstand, writes. He is bothered by pen in mouth. Removes it, stops, pauses, struck by a thought. Puts pen behind ear, takes pill, takes up inky water, is surprised, sees another goblet, fills it with water, goes on writing without drinking. Leaves off. Rings bell. Takes up fresh pen. EFFIE enters.)
PROFESSOR. Well, well, what is it? What do you want?
EFFIE. You rang, sir?
PROFESSOR (absently). Did I? What for? (Pause.) Perhaps I rang for my boots, Effie?
EFFIE. You have them on.
PROFESSOR. Have I? (Lifting up left foot.) Bless me, so I have.
EFFIE. Was it for Miss White?
PROFESSOR (always unconsciously happy at mention of her name). Ah, that’s it. Surely she is very late this morning.
EFFIE. She has been here, but she went to the telegraph office.
PROFESSOR (gloomily). Oh!
(Pause.)
EFFIE. Is there anything else you want, sir?
PROFESSOR. HOW can I get on with my work, Effie, if you will stand there chattering all day? Go away — go away!
(EFFIE goes quickly. The PROFESSOR writes. Clock on mantelpiece begins to strike ten, and the PROFESSOR, writing with his right hand, waves it to be silent with his left.)
Hush! Silence! Quiet there! (Listens to last stroke.)
Come in, come in! (Calling) Effie!
(EFFIE enters.)
EFFIE. What is it now?
PROFESSOR. I think I heard Miss White knocking.
EFFIE. No, sir. (Seeing clock.) It was just your clock striking. Miss White’s at the telegraph office.
PROFESSOR. Still at the telegraph office.
(EFFIE goes. He goes on writing. Short knock. He starts to his feet and shakes his fist at the clock, calling:) Effie!
(EFFIE enters.)
Stop that clock!
EFFIE. Eh! It was a knock this time.
(Knock.)
PROFESSOR. Ah! But that’s not Miss White’s knock.
EFFIE (aside). I canna remember your ever knowing anybody’s knock before. (Goes to window.) I can just see a gentleman’s back. It looks to me like the back of one of those folks you call literary aspirants. What come wi’ an introduction and read their manuscripts to you.
PROFESSOR (excitedly). Don’t let him in.
(Knock.)
EFFIE. He seems determined to get in.
PROFESSOR. Keep the door on the chain. Say I’m out.
EFFIE. Tell a lie, na, I couldna. But I’ll do that if you’ll go out at the side door and stand on the steps.
PROFESSOR. Very well.
(She goes to get his hat, cane and coat and returns immediately with them.)
PROFESSOR. It would look rather undignified, but I know what I’ll do. I’ll go out and do what my sister told me to do, in her last letter. (Rises and unfastens dressing-gown.)
EFFIE. What was that? (Having put coat and stick on sofa.)
PROFESSOR. Well, now, what was it? (Taking hat which EFFIE is holding towards him.) It was either to complain about the butcher’s bill or to order a new suit of clothes. (Puts on hat and is going.)
EFFIE (bringing him back). You’ve got your gown on.
PROFESSOR (smiling). Oh yes, very wrong, very wrong. Take it off.
(She puts it on sofa and is getting him into coat, etc.)
Ah, that’s better, that’s better! (Patting her on the shoulder.)
Good girl, good girl, how thoughtful of you.
(Puts on coat, is going towards his armchair. He is going to write, EFFIE stops him and points to his hat.)
Oh yes, of course, going out, going out.
EFFIE. Well, what was it your sister told you to do?
PROFESSOR. Eh? Oh, where’s her letter? (Searches pockets, hat, etc., to find his watch in trousers’ pocket.) So there you are! I have been looking for you. (Finds letter in pocket.)
Ah, here it is, now we shall see. ‘Always change your flannels on Wednesdays and Sundays.’ Yes, I’ve done that. ‘Never carry cheques or bank-notes loose in your trousers’ pocket.’ (The PROFESSOR looks