The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри
EFFIE. Did you remember to take your pill?
(Takes up pill-hox — counts pills, is horrified, and exits with pill-box. The PROFESSOR left alone sets to work, rises, sees dressing-gown, puts it on instead of coat, sits.
DOWAGER peeps in.)
DOWAGER. Professor!
PROFESSOR (without looking up). Have you got rid of them, Effie?
DOWAGER (giggles, retires, and returns noisily). Ah, Professor!
PROFESSOR. Lady Gilding. (Rises and shakes hands.)
DOWAGER. I am so sorry to hear you are unwell, and dear Miss Goodwillie away, too.
PROFESSOR. I don’t know what is wrong with me — but I can’t work.
DOWAGER. You work too much — that must be it. Come over here and talk to me.
PROFESSOR (who really thinks her nice). You are very kind.
(She goes to sofa rather afraid of electric machine, sits. The PROFESSOR goes towards her. DOWAGER turns to him, motions him to be seated. He sits, the electric machine between them.)
DOWAGER. If we had known your sister was away, we would have come often to see you.
PROFESSOR. Yes, she told me not to tell you. (Innocently) I suppose she was afraid that you would find me a handful. I’m unfortunately very boorish.
DOWAGER. No, indeed.
PROFESSOR (who thinks her a dear, kindly woman). It’s very kind of you to say that. I enjoyed myself very much that day you took me to the Zoo.
DOWAGER. But, dear Professor, I waited for you and you never came.
PROFESSOR (distressed). Did I not? I must have forgotten. Very wrong. Very wrong.
DOWAGER. You did enjoy yourself that night we went to the theatre, didn’t you?
PROFESSOR. That was very delightful. (Doubtfully) I went there, didn’t I?
DOWAGER. Yes, yes, I called for you!
PROFESSOR (proud). Aha, I didn’t forget that! A most amusing play. I forget what it was called, but you ought to go and see it.
DOWAGER. I will! Professor, why shouldn’t you and I be great friends? I assure you I would esteem it an honour.
PROFESSOR. The honour would be mine. You’re so young and charming.
DOWAGER. It is dear of you to put it in that way. You must have guessed that my life is a rather lonely one. George and Mildred are the dearest creatures, of course, but not very sympathetic, and what I crave for is sympathy, not so much to get it, I think, as to give it. Don’t you think that is the true woman’s sphere?
PROFESSOR (whose mind has evidently been wandering). But suppose we introduced another galvanometer?
DOWAGER. What?
PROFESSOR. And decrease the pressure on piston.
DOWAGER. I don’t think you follow me.
PROFESSOR (turning to her). Oh, I — I beg your pardon. I was thinking of my last chapter. It’s very unmannerly of me, very!
DOWAGER. On the contrary, it is delightful to me to hear you discussing your work with me. I am so interested in your electrical discoveries. Now how (Indicating machine between them) is such a delightful little duck of a thingumbob — but don’t you think it is rather in the way?
PROFESSOR. It always stands there.
DOWAGER. Ah! A very useful and wonderful little thing it is, I don’t doubt. I can’t be wonderful, but I do wish I could, at least, be useful.
PROFESSOR. I’m sure you are.
DOWAGER. I don’t know. A widow has so few opportunities. Some people press me to marry them. What do you think?
PROFESSOR. I wouldn’t.
DOWAGER. That is my inclination also. But if ever I do marry — mind you, I don’t think I ever will — but if I should, it will be someone I can look up to, not a boy, not too young a man, but one whose intellect — for I worship intellect — indeed, I — are you listening?
PROFESSOR. I beg your pardon, but would you mind saying that over again?
(Enter LUCY. She takes off her hat. DOWAGER stares at her in amazement. The PROFESSOR follows DOWAGER’S glance, sees LUCY, rises, shakes hands with her. He clumsily crosses behind table to place chair for her. He sits and beams on LUCY, who goes on opening letters.)
DOWAGER. Professor.
(He doesn’t notice her.)
Professor!
(He goes to her.)
Who is this?
PROFESSOR (glowing). My new secretary.
DOWAGER. Engaged since Miss Goodwillie left?
PROFESSOR. Yes.
DOWAGER (to LUCY). But you are not a man.
LUCY. I’m — sorry.
DOWAGER. Your secretaries used to be men.
PROFESSOR. Oh, men are no use.
DOWAGER. Does Miss Goodwillie know that your new secretary is a lady?
PROFESSOR. Does she? No, I believe I forgot to mention it.
DOWAGER. Introduce us, Professor.
PROFESSOR. Miss White, Lady Gilding.
DOWAGER. How do you do, Miss White?
LUCY. Thank you, I am quite well.
DOWAGER. If you have work — elsewhere — please don’t let me detain you.
LUCY. We do it here, thank you, Lady Gilding.
(LUCY bows to DOWAGER and resumes her chair, all with great civility.)
DOWAGER. Professor, I am dying to see your new laboratory. Will you show it to me?
PROFESSOR. I — are you — Oh, certainly, Lady Gilding, I shall be delighted. (Is about to rise and looks woefully at LUCY.)
Miss Lucy!
LUCY. Let me show it to you, Lady Gilding. This way.
DOWAGER. But —
LUCY. No trouble at all.
(The DOWAGER with a gesture of despair goes and LUCY follows. There is a pause and the PROFESSOR stares after them.)
SIR GEORGE (heard off stage). Monstrous! It is monstrous! There is no other word for it.
(The PROFESSOR rises and is stealing off but is seen by LADY GILDING, who enters followed by SIR GEORGE and COSENS.)
LADY GILDING. Ah, Professor.
(She goes to him, he turns, shakes hands.)
You ‘re just in time to catch us; we were going.
SIR GEORGE. Sorry you are not well, though. (Shakes hands with PROFESSOR.)
PROFESSOR. I dare say it is only laziness. Idle fellow, idle fellow! What was it you were saying was monstrous as you came in, Sir George?
SIR GEORGE. Oh, I was speaking of ladies’ dress. The fact is, Professor, I had not long been married when certain absurdities in connection with ladies’ dress were forcibly brought home to me.
COSENS. And to me.
SIR GEORGE. For instance: I ask you, Professor, as an unprejudiced outsider, how many yards of material do you think are required to make a dress for Lady Gilding?
PROFESSOR. Four yards.
SIR GEORGE. Nineteen yards.
PROFESSOR. Impossible! Why, a large-sized dust cloth is only four yards.