The Complete Five Towns Collections. Bennett Arnold
what—'
'Hook it, lad!' said Dan curtly.
And just as Harold was leaving the room, like a school-boy, he called him in again.
'I havena' told thee, Harold, as I'm subject to attacks. I'm getting up in years. I go off like. It isna' fits, but I go off. And if it should happen while I'm here, dunna' be alarmed.'
'What are we to do?'
'Do nothing. I come round in a minute or two. Whatever ye do, dunna' give me brandy. It might kill me—so th' doctor says. I'm only telling thee in case.'
'Well, I hope you won't have an attack,' said Harold.
'It's a hundred to one I dunna',' said Dan.
And Harold departed.
Soon afterwards Uncle Dan wandered into a kitchen full of servants.
'Show me th' missis's bedroom, one on ye,' he said to the crowd.
And presently he was knocking at Maud's door.
'Maudie!'
'Who is it?' came a voice.
'It's thy owd uncle. Can'st spare a minute?'
Maud appeared at the door, smiling, and arrayed in a peignoir.
'HE'S gone out,' said Dan, implying scorn of the person who had gone out. 'Wilt come down-stairs?'
'Where's he gone to?' Maud demanded.
She didn't even pretend she was ill.
'Th' Club,' said Dan.
And in about a hundred seconds or so he had her in the drawing-room, and she was actually pouring out gin for him. She looked ravishing in that peignoir, especially as she was munching an apple, and balancing herself on the arm of a chair.
'So he's been quarrelling with ye, Maud?' Dan began.
'No; not quarrelling, uncle.'
'Well, call it what ye'n a mind,' said Dan. 'Call it a prayer-meeting. I didn't notice as ye came down for supper—dinner, as ye call it.'
'It was like this, uncle,' she said. 'Poor Harry was very angry with himself about that petrol. Of course, he wanted the car to go well while you were in it; and he came up-stairs and grumbled at me for leaving him all alone and driving home with you.'
'Oh, did he?' exclaimed Dan.
'Yes. I explained to him that of course I couldn't leave you all alone. Then he got hot. I kept quite calm. I reasoned it out with him as quietly as I could—'
'Maudie, Maudie,' protested the old man, 'thou'rt th' prettiest wench i' this town, though I AM thy great-uncle, and thou'st got plenty o' brains—a sight more than that husband o' thine.'
'Do you think so, uncle?'
'Aye, but thou hasna' made use o' 'em tonight. Thou'rt a foolish wench, wench. At thy time o' life, and after a year o' th' married state, thou ought'st to know better than reason wi' a man in a temper.'
'But, really, uncle, it was so absurd of Harold, wasn't it?'
'Aye!' said Dan. 'But why didst-na' give in and kiss him, and smack his face for him?'
'There was nothing to give in about, uncle.'
'There never is,' said Dan. 'There never is. That's the point. Still, thou'rt nigh crying, wench.'
'I'm not, uncle,' she contradicted, the tears falling on to the apple.
'And Harold's using bad language all up Trafalgar Road, I lay,' Dan added.
'It was all Harold's fault,' said Maud.
'Why, in course it were Harold's fault. But nowt's worth a quarrel, my dear—NOWT. I remember Harold's grandfeyther—he were th' second of us, your grandfeyther were the eldest, and I were the youngest—I remember Harold's grandfeyther chasing his wife all over th' town wi' a besom a week after they were married.'
'With a besom!' murmured Maud, pained and forgetting to cry. 'Harold's grandfather, not mine?'
'Wi' a besom,' Dan repeated, nodding. 'They never quarrelled again—ne'er again. Th' old woman allus said after that as quarrels were for fools. And her was right.'
'I don't see Harold chasing me across Bursley with a besom,' said Maud primly. 'But what you say is quite right, you dear old uncle. Men are queer—I mean husbands. You can't argue with them. You'd much better give in—'
'And have your own way after all.'
'And perhaps Harold was—'
Harold's step could be heard in the hall.
'Oh, dear!' cried Maud. 'What shall I do?'
'I'm not feeling very well,' whispered Uncle Dan weakly. 'I have these 'ere attacks sometimes. There's only one thing as'll do me any good—brandy.'
And his head fell over one side of the chair, and he looked precisely like a corpse.
'Maud, what are you doing?' almost shouted Harold, when he came into the room.
She was putting a liqueur-glass to Uncle Dan's lips.
'Oh, Harold,' she cried, 'uncle's had an attack of some sort. I'm giving him some brandy.'
'But you mustn't give him brandy,' said Harold authoritatively to her.
'But I MUST give him brandy,' said Maud. 'He told me that brandy was the only thing to save him.'
'Nonsense, child!' Harold persisted. 'Uncle told ME all about these attacks. They're perfectly harmless so long as he doesn't have brandy. The doctors have warned him that brandy will be fatal.'
'Harold, you are absolutely mistaken. Don't you understand that uncle has only this minute told me that he MUST have brandy?'
And she again approached the glass to the pale lips of the old man. His tasselled Turkish smoking-cap had fallen to the floor, and the hemisphere of his bald head glittered under the gas.
'Maud, I forbid you!' And Harold put a hand on the glass. 'It's a matter of life and death. You must have misunderstood uncle.'
'It was you who misunderstood uncle,' said Maud. 'Of course, if you mean to prevent me by brute force—'
They both paused and glanced at Daniel, and then at each other.
'Perhaps you are right, dearest,' said Harold, in a new tone.
'No, dearest,' said Maud, also in a new tone. 'I expect you are right. I must have misunderstood.'
'No, no, Maud. Give him the brandy by all means. I've no doubt you're right.'
'But if you think I'd better not give it him—'
'But I would prefer you to give it him, dearest. It isn't likely you would be mistaken in a thing like that.'
'I would prefer to be guided by you, dearest,' said Maud.
So they went on for several minutes, each giving way to the other in the most angelic manner.
'AND MEANTIME I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DYING, AM I?' roared Uncle Dan, suddenly sitting up. 'You'd let th' old uncle peg out while you practise his precepts! A nice pair you make! I thought for see which on ye' ud' give way to th' other, but I didna' anticipate as both on ye 'ud be ready to sacrifice my life for th' sake o' domestic peace.'
'But, uncle,' they both said later, amid the universal and yet rather shamefaced peace rejoicings, 'you said nothing was worth a quarrel.'
'And I was right,' answered Dan; 'I was right. Th' Divorce Court is full o' fools as have begun married life by trying to convince the other fool, instead o' humouring him—or her. Kiss us, Maud.'
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