Letters to the Dead: Things I Wish I'd Said. Ann Palmer

      Feburary 28^th 1998

      To Robert Mitchum,

      1997 was a busy year for deaths amongst actors. You, along with Lloyd Bridges, Richard Jackel, Red Skelton, Brian Keith, George Mather, Dennis James, Edward Mulhare, the famous acting coach Sandy Meisner - Pat Paulsen won’t be running for President anymore, Burgess Meredith, my long time friend Fred Holliday, James Stewart, other famous faces with unfamiliar names and others perhaps no one would recognize. A Screen Actors Guild magazine listed those who died – I counted 182 famous and not-so-famous – so many people who put their heart and soul into an acting career – dead and gone, most who will never live on as you and others who reached fame and fortune. What is the magic that touches one and not the other is a question I have always wondered. I know I must be getting old when I sit and read the obituaries. As I counted, I wondered which letter in the alphabet had the most deaths – it was between 8 and 12 with “A” and “V” with 5 each – interesting since an A is the same shape as the V reversed.

      While watching “El Dorado” this evening, I realized so many in that movie are now sharing tales of Hollywood days in the “The Sweet By and By.” You, Howard Hawks, John Wayne, Charlene Holt, Chris George – and how many others? What has happened to so many in that picture I have known? Through the years, at one time or another, I had become acquainted with most of the principle actors on the film – at least 10 or so. Today, I keep wondering how many more of them have died.

      When “El Dorado” was shot in Old Town near Tucson in the mid-60s, my friend Diane, who dated Howard Hawks, was working on the film. Diane invited me to visit her there. We hoped that if I just happen to be hanging around the set, Howard would find a small part for me in the picture.

      During that same time I was visiting with another friend in Palm Desert when I told her about Diane’s invitation, she insisted we go, just as she had when we went to Europe in the 1960s and I ended up working six months in “Cleopatra.” We decided to drive down to Tucson and visit Diane. Joyce was so enamored to be around the movie people, she could be downright embarrassing at times – most of the time! We both hailed from Texas but met in California. In dry spells in acting work – and there were many – sometimes I took temporary office jobs. She was my boss on one of those jobs. The Texas bond spawned our friendship. I was going through my second marriage break-up and was very despondent with another failure at my young age. While my tendency was to sit at home and brood, she was a person who would force me to go out and have a good time. A vivacious, flirty Libra, Joyce was not a raving beauty but attractive. When we first met, she generally dressed a bit “whore-y.” With my fashion background, she was open to the suggestions I frequently made as to how she should dress, colors to wear and what not to wear. Other friends didn’t like my running around with her and always warning me about her. It was understandable. I used to refer to her as “the one, who got us IN trouble, while I was the one to get us out.” At times it worked very well. When we traveled in Europe her flirt-with-any-man could get us on first class train rides, then when it came time for her to “pay off” – I would step in and somewhat cover for her or get us out of the awkward situation. At times it could be very irritating and sometimes fearful. If it had not been for her urging me to go to Europe the first time, I would never have gone nor would I have spent six months in Rome working on the film “Cleopatra” and also traveled to Egypt.

      Because of her pushing me to get out and go at those times when I needed a shove, I always felt a bit “beholding” to her and a sense of loyalty that she was there for me when I needed a friend to urge me to socialize. In youth, I was so very trusting (some things never change)! When I had any suspicions about her going behind my back to date one of my boyfriends, I would end up the culprit, feeling guilty for suspecting her. At the time, I was aware of psychics but not of my own intuitive powers that were more proficient than most others. It was several years later before I realized this. Even so, it is just plain hard for some of us to accept this seventh sense. I was “sensing” the truth but it took me years to realize it.

      Joyce never finished high school or college. She was self-taught and could work circles around most secretaries – an ability that was impossible for me to learn. Trying to convince her that she could get a job when I could not went unheeded. She began working as a cocktail waitress before she was of age. She began her sex life far earlier than anyone I knew. At only sixteen she had surgery and lost all chances of ever have children, which seemed to give her carte blanche to freely have sex any time she chose. I was still in my virtuous stage of sex, love and marriage as one unit. She married her boss and when divorced, headed West for California as so many women do. I met her only months after she arrived. Through the years, our friendship would break up over some dirty trick that she did but I was always very forgiving.

      This was one of those times when I was feeling down and needed a change. That was why I was visiting her in Palm Desert. My job training to be a potential producer had slipped away. My romance with Rick Jason has gone astray. It seemed everyone I knew was gay or bisexual. I began to wonder if something was wrong with me because I was heterosexual. With that question plaguing me, I was feeling it was time to get the hell out of L.A.! Joyce and I discussed opening a women’s wear store together and were to discuss it on the trip. She was married (again) to a very frugal but wealthy man.

      The first day we drove to Tucson we went directly to the set at Old Tucson. After the shooting ceased