Letters to the Dead: Things I Wish I'd Said. Ann Palmer

      May 15, 1998

      Well, Frank,

      Last night you departed the physical body – you are gone and I am still here – So many film heroes and legends are now gone. No doubt you are one of the all time GREAT legends. Microwave equipped trucks; film and TV crews line Cedars Hospital as well as your home in Beverly Hills. Certainly you will go down in film and entertainment history as one of the all time GREATS in the not only the film industry but more so the music industry. Your acting ability equaled your fabulous singing voice. The romantic legend you created with your voice is unequaled but what a disappointment in person!

      As a young girl, more interested in swinging in my swing set my Dad had built than listening to the “Crooner” teenage girls were “swooning” over, how could I ever imagine that one day I would get to know this grown man singer? TV was practically unheard of in those days with only a few homes having them. I recall one friend’s radio had a small piece of glass about 3” X 6” for future television. We got the news from the radio and movie news, which were filled with teenage girls lined up outside of concert halls where you preformed. Yes! You were the FIRST to have that kind of adulation. You set the standard! Many people would assume it was Elvis Presley but you were the pioneer in the area of “swoons” and rightfully so. Your voice for decade after decade remained one of the very best. You were good – really good! I can’t say the same about you in person.

      Drugs and other problems at Hollywood High lead me to think moving to a smaller community for my daughter’s last year of high school would be wise. Debbie was my first and foremost concern, not my fading career – what career - a would-be-never-made-it starlet – an ex-fashion and TV commercial model, a glorified prop – an “extra” or “U5” (under five lines.)

      With multiple talents and abilities, I assumed I could obtain some sort of employment to get us through Debbie’s last year of High School. I didn’t see how I could afford college. She expressed no interest in attending; therefore, I wanted her last year to be as special as possible.

      Debbie was certainly attractive but more than her looks, I was so proud of the way she turned out as a teenager. She was kind and understanding – a friend to all - regardless of race, religion, age was no factor. She was well liked by people of all ages and never saw a stranger. Adults felt they could sit and discuss things with her. That was because I had always treated her with some sort of equality regardless of her age. I was a far younger mother than her friends’ mothers, therefore, they treated me as a girlfriend or “big sister,” especially since Debbie often referred to me as her sister. Debbie used to say that her grandmother would have to be “grandma” to her kids as I had no lap to bounce them on – little did she know “mature” aging changes thin bodies for many of us!

      The year before, I consulted my ex-husband in Denver when I needed to buy a car. Since he had always been in the car business when he wasn’t attempting to be an actor I assumed his recommendation was valid. He sent me to a “trustworthy” dealer down at the beach area. There sat a very clean large Thunderbird – light blue inside and out with lots of shiny chrome. Most women buy a car for the way it looks. I admit it must be a “pretty” car for me to buy it. Once I owned a GRAY Oldsmobile that I never liked because of the color. This T-Bird was so in love with auto repairmen, it never failed to automatically turn in to any repair shop it saw. There was more investment in repairs than in payments! The career wasn’t going well either.

      I was on a spiritual “kick” and along with a spiritual female friend I had been attending events with, I moved to the mountains to share a house with her. We had grandiose plans to raise the money to buy a Boy Scout camp that had originally been built by an Indian Prophet, temple, et al. At that time it was for sale for a million dollars. It had the usual camp buildings plus this lovely Indian temple, round in structure with a golden dome. We found a house we could rent just outside the gate. There was an apartment downstairs so that Debbie and I had our own living space.

      I was unbelievably broke and facing Bankruptcy. Debbie got a job in Lake Arrowhead at the Ice Cream Parlor while I worked as a cocktail waitress at the Inn. It wasn’t much but anything helped. Jeannie and I wrote letters asking for donations and attempted to find someone who could afford to buy the camp.

      We wanted to create a retreat where anyone could go. We planned to offer courses for those who wished to go deeper into their spiritual path. It was to be open to all who needed a retreat. If one wanted to paint or write a book, this would be the place they could find peace and contentment.

      Much to my chagrin, I was forced to turn in my beautiful but “a bomb” T-Bird back to the finance company. Of course, my credit plummeted. I had held on to a few hundred dollars that would help buy a car. I found a used car dealer in San Bernardino who sold all his cars for under $600. Ahh, that was the place for me. I found a large Mercury – I don’t recall the year, I remember it had an electric back window that was great for air circulation. It ran well the whole time that I had it. I ended up dating the owner a bit but don’t recall that helped me with the price of the car!

      When late August and early September fog set in along mountain roads and my daughter facing her fun socializing last year of high school, suddenly great fear set in on ME! We were not getting anywhere with our Spiritual Center plans – My friend and her son seemed to be “way out in left field” in their actions and thinking. Debbie and I discussed the situation and made a quick decision to move to the desert.

      School had just begun – Debbie missed only a few days. I had just enough money to pay for an apartment. I found a job immediately as a hostess in a restaurant in one of the best hotels. I had the early shift so that I planned to work two jobs. I didn’t even have money enough to pay for Debbie’s school supplies.

      Only a few nights after we moved into the one bedroom furnished apartment, I heard a loud crash out on the street. When I went out past the pool to the street parking, there was my Mercury with the back fender smashed. GREAT! That was all I needed – a hit and run driver! The next morning I reported it to the police for all the good it would do – but – as luck would have it – the driver called the police and gave his name, insurance, etc. Within days I had an insurance payment enough to get us by for Debbie’s school supplies, etc. The Mercury never got repaired.

      That was September – the job was very hard and very little money. By the time I got finished with my shift, after walking and on my feet all day, my feet and body were so tired, I couldn’t work another job. Perhaps due to the glamour of being a model, I was generally accepted anywhere. One day, I sat at the bar of the hotel where I was working, talking to a friend who was staying in the hotel. The manager told me I was not allowed to be in the bar at the hotel. I got a bit huffy at their ridiculous rules. European macho men owned the hotel and I was a bit too independent to put up with macho men’s attitudes. I began looking for work as a cocktail waitress.

      In