Oscar Wilde: The Complete Works. Knowledge house
allonby
Ah, don’t be too conceited about them. You may lose them as you grow old.
lord illingworth
I never intend to grow old. The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.
mrs. allonby
And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s tragedy.
lord illingworth
Its comedy also, sometimes. But what is the mysterious reason why you will always like me?
mrs. allonby
It is that you have never made love to me.
lord illingworth
I have never done anything else.
·37· mrs. allonby
Really? I have not noticed it.
lord illingworth
How fortunate! It might have been a tragedy for both of us.
mrs. allonby
We should each have survived.
lord illingworth
One can survive everything now-a-days, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation.
mrs. allonby
Have you tried a good reputation?
lord illingworth
It is one of the many annoyances to which I have never been subjected.
mrs. allonby
It may come.
lord illingworth
Why do you threaten me?
·38· mrs. allonby
I will tell you when you have kissed the Puritan.
[Enter Footman.]
francis
Tea is served in the Yellow Drawing-room, my lord.
lord illingworth
Tell her ladyship we are coming in.
francis
Yes, my lord. [Exit.]
lord illingworth
Shall we go in to tea?
mrs. allonby
Do you like such simple pleasures?
lord illingworth
I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex. But, if you wish, let us stay here. Yes, let us stay here. The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden.
mrs. allonby
It ends with Revelations.
·39· lord illingworth
You fence divinely. But the button has come off your foil.
mrs. allonby
I have still the mask.
lord illingworth
It makes your eyes lovelier.
mrs. allonby
Thank you. Come.
lord illingworth
[Sees Mrs. Arbuthnot’s letter on table, and takes it up and looks at envelope.] What a curious handwriting! It reminds me of the handwriting of a woman I used to know years ago.
mrs. allonby
Who?
lord illingworth
Oh! no one. No one in particular. A woman of no importance. [Throws letter down, and passes up the steps of the terrace with Mrs. Allonby. They smile at each other.]
Act-drop.
·41· Second Act.
·43· SCENE—Drawing-room at Hunstanton, after dinner, lamps lit. Door L.C. Door R.C.
[Ladies seated on sofas.]
mrs. allonby
What a comfort it is to have got rid of the men for a little!
lady stutfield
Yes; men persecute us dreadfully, don’t they?
mrs. allonby
Persecute us? I wish they did.
lady hunstanton
My dear!
mrs. allonby
The annoying thing is that the wretches can be perfectly happy without us. That is why I think it is every woman’s duty never to leave them ·44· alone for a single moment, except during this short breathing space after dinner; without which I believe we poor women would be absolutely worn to shadows.
[Enter Servants with coffee.]
lady hunstanton
Worn to shadows, dear?
mrs. allonby
Yes, Lady Hunstanton. It is such a strain keeping men up to the mark. They are always trying to escape from us.
lady stutfield
It seems to me that it is we who are always trying to escape from them. Men are so very, very heartless. They know their power and use it.
lady caroline
[Takes coffee from Servant.] What stuff and nonsense all this about men is! The thing to do is to keep men in their proper place.
mrs. allonby
But what is their proper place, Lady Caroline?
lady caroline
Looking after their wives, Mrs. Allonby.
·45· mrs. allonby
[Takes coffee from Servant.] Really? And if they’re not married?
lady caroline
If they are not married, they should be looking after a wife. It’s perfectly scandalous the amount of bachelors who are going about society. There should be a law passed to compel them all to marry within twelve months.
lady stutfield
[Refuses coffee.] But if they’re in love with some one who, perhaps, is tied to another?
lady caroline
In that case, Lady Stutfield, they should be married off in a week to some plain respectable girl, in order to teach them not to meddle with other people’s property.
mrs. allonby
I don’t think that we should ever be spoken of as other people’s property. All men are married women’s property. That is the only true definition of what married women’s property really is. But we don’t belong to any one.
lady stutfield
Oh, I am so very, very glad to hear you say so.
·46· lady hunstanton
But do you really think, dear Caroline, that legislation would improve matters in any way? I am told that, now-a-days, all the married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors like married men.
mrs. allonby
I certainly never know one from the other.
lady stutfield
Oh, I think one can always know at once whether a man has home claims upon his