The Clutter Remedy. Marla Stone
is a need. Misusing the phrase “I need” is what often leads to overcollecting and overaccumulation to begin with. It leads to overshopping and stockpiling stuff to degrees that are neither useful nor purposeful. This disorganized way of thinking leads to disorganized clutter and often neglect of one’s actual needs. A clutter-filled, nonfunctioning home gets in the way of sufficient sleep, balanced nourishment, proper hydration, fresh air, detoxifying eliminations, sufficient sunlight, and optimal shelter. Misusing the word need will also make it much more difficult to declutter and stay organized.
In general, listen to others and keep track of how many times you hear people say some version of “I need,” such as “I must,” “I have to,” or “I gotta.” How often do these phrases pertain to the necessities that keep us alive? More importantly, as you go through the decluttering process, listen to yourself and stop every time you hear yourself say, “I need this item.” Even when the item is used for one of the essential needs, rephrase to say, “I am choosing to keep this because…” Clarify why you’re making that choice; evaluate how it fits with your core values. Ask yourself: “Is it useful? Does it serve a purpose? Is it sentimental? Do I love it?”
For instance, we need food. But the kind of food we eat, and where and how we get it, is a choice. Most people shop for food in grocery stores, but you don’t need to. Some people grow their own food and hunt, while some people never cook, eating solely in restaurants. You also don’t need to pay your taxes. Not paying them will not kill you, though eventually you will find yourself in serious trouble with the IRS. That won’t kill you either, but it can lead to financial disaster and legal challenges. For this reason, people usually choose to pay their taxes to avoid those negative consequences.
You can view this change to your language as semantics, but it’s not. When you deliberately make conscious choices — by saying “I want” or “I will” rather than “I need” — you emphasize the positive reasons, values, and motivations that are important to you. This helps keep you from feeling trapped by obligations. For example, if you have children, you are regularly choosing how to care for them. You don’t “have” to buy them certain toys or pick them up from school if you don’t want to. They won’t die if you don’t buy them things or if you fail to show up. Of course, you want them to be happy and get home safely, yet there are other ways of achieving all that: fun activities instead of more stuff, earning their own money to buy things, taking a bus or public transit, sharing a ride with someone else, and walking or biking themselves. It is important to know that nothing you do is a “have to,” unless it is one of the seven actual needs.
Sometimes, admitting that you don’t want to do something will lead to clever solutions. Or perhaps, even though after-school pickups are an annoying chore, you will do it because you want to love and care for your kids. However, you also can decide that certain responsibilities and roles are incongruent with your ideal life, and even abhorrent, and you will choose not to do those things to pursue what you enjoy instead. Once you rid yourself of “I need,” the freedom of life begins. You choose to fulfill your actual needs in numerous ways — in how you breathe, what you eat and drink, the home you live in, the clothing you wear, your sleep habits, how you care for the body, plus getting enough sun. Realizing that fulfilling your actual needs involves hundreds of choices, and that you’re in charge of making them, makes life a whole lot sweeter and more enjoyable.
Consciously choosing to declutter and get organized makes the process easier, too. Remember: You don’t “need” to get rid of anything, and you don’t “need” to keep anything. Make everything a choice that serves the larger purpose of your life.
INDECISIVE LANGUAGE VERSUS DECISIVE LANGUAGE
After “I need,” the most common phrase I hear when helping people get perpetually organized is “I’ll try”: I’ll try to get organized; I’ll try to finish this weekend; I’ll try to keep the kitchen and the house clean from now on; I’ll try not to buy so much stuff anymore. I call this type of impeding language “indecisive language.”
Indecisive language keeps you chained to your clutter. It makes decision-making impossible. Using decisive language helps you fulfill your dreams and goals. “I’ll try” or “I tried” signals indecision, doubt, resistance, reluctance, or fear. It expresses a lack of commitment or self-confidence. If you hear yourself saying “I’ll try” as you go through this process, recognize this as expressing indecision about getting organized. Know that you either will or won’t accomplish your goals. Don’t “try” to succeed. Be decisive. Saying “I’ll try” indicates nonaction; it means nothing.
When people don’t finish something they set out to do, they often say “I tried” as a way to excuse themselves or escape blame. For instance, when someone misses an appointment, they say, “I tried to get to my doctor’s office today,” as if making the attempt is what’s important. It is a way to blame circumstances instead of taking responsibility for not following through on goals you set for yourself: “I tried, but there was traffic,” “I lost track of time,” or “I took an important phone call.” Do those reasons matter? Not when it comes to following through and accomplishing tasks. The appointment was missed, and the person did not see the doctor. That someone “tried” does not change the outcome.
The same is true of decluttering and organizing your space. When you only get partway through the process and stop, your home will remain cluttered and disorganized, and most likely, any progress you make will be riddled with indecision. Again, this is more than semantics; the use of impeding language will jeopardize going forward toward a positive outcome. In addition to “I’ll try,” listen for these other indecisive phrases: I might, I may, maybe, but, probably, perhaps, we’ll see, someday, sometime, somehow, if, could, should, possibly, not necessarily, and I’ll think about it. Finally, the two most popular indecisive words, which I hear constantly, are “kinda” and “sorta.” To increase their impact, these are often combined as “kinda sorta” or “sorta kinda.” Imagine that, two new phrases that mean nothing are now cluttering how we speak. I recently spoke to a woman who used “kinda” and “sorta” in every sentence, saying, “I kinda sorta need to get organized.” How much more indecisive could she be?
You will improve organizational success by setting clear goals and committing to them. One thing that helps is specifying a time frame. Say, “I will get organized within the month.” Eliminating indecisive language will help you become more decisive about what to keep and what not to keep and what to do and what not to do. When decluttering, some items can be put into the “projects” category. These are items you have uncertainty about, which you will work on down the road, and therefore they become “to dos.” Decisive language also helps you express how you feel, decisively.
EMOTIONAL CLARITY: IDENTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS
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