The New Father. Armin A. Brott
on a parent’s bare chest, skin to skin, for several hours a day. The results were amazing. To start with, the mortality rate dropped to 30 percent. In studies in the United States and other countries, human kangaroo babies slept better, were taken off respirators sooner, cried less and were alert more, were better able to regulate their body temperature, gained more weight, and came home earlier. There were benefits for the parents as well: dads and moms who held their babies like this felt more confident in their parenting abilities and better able to do something productive for their babies. And breastfeeding moms who did kangaroo care were able to produce more milk. Unfortunately, not all hospitals allow kangaroo care (sometimes also called skin-to-skin care). If yours doesn’t, ask the nursing staff whether you and your partner can do it anyway. If they need any convincing, show them this section.
• Be a little bit selfish. Sounds horrible, but it’s not as bad as you think. The point is that you’re not going to be much use to anyone—baby or partner—if you’re walking around like a zombie because you haven’t slept in forty-eight hours. You’re in a really tough spot. Mom and baby need you to be there and to be strong for them. Plus, you’ve got your own stress, worry, and fears to deal with. So if you need to find a couch and take a nap, do it. And if you need to go for a run or play basketball or do something else to blow off steam, do it. Your whole family will be better off in the long run.
• Be emotionally strong too. You and your partner may have very different ways of coping with your baby’s illness. A lot of men, for example, are fascinated by the technology and find that focusing on that helps them cope. Others only feel safe expressing anger. Women, though, tend to just go straight to the emotions—particularly sadness and sorrow. Some women get upset at what they interpret as their partner’s “insensitivity” (which generally means that they aren’t expressing their emotions in a very feminine way). If this happens, talk to her about what you’re feeling. She needs to know you care.
• Connect with other parents. Many hospitals have moved from open ward NICUs, where several babies share one large room, to putting the babies in private or semi-private rooms. The idea is to give parents more privacy and to give the babies a quieter environment. But some unforeseen consequences have come up. First, parents in private rooms have fewer chances to connect with other parents who may be going through the same things at the same time. That support network can be extremely helpful in reducing parents’ stress. Second, recent studies are finding that babies who were in quiet, private NICUs have poorer language skills at age two than those who were in open wards.
Not Your Father’s NICU—and That’s a Good Thing
Babies born before the 37th week of pregnancy are considered premature, and premature babies have increased risk of complications—and the earlier the baby is born, the higher that risk. Just thirty years ago or so, the “edge of viability” was 27 weeks, meaning that the chances of saving a baby were less than 50-50. Today, thanks to incredible advances in technology, it’s possible to save babies as young as 23 weeks. But there’s a lot of debate in the medical community about the ethics of saving babies that young. At least half of babies born before 26 weeks will have some kind of disability. About half the time, the disability is relatively minor: vision problems, asthma, behavior problems, and learning disabilities. The rest of the disabilities are severe: blindness, cerebral palsy, deafness, and significant cognitive impairment.
The higher the baby’s gestational age, the greater the chances of survival and the lower the chance of major or minor long-term consequences. At 26 weeks, the baby has a 75–80 percent chance of making it, and at 28 weeks, the odds are 85–90 percent in favor.
Back to the technology. When babies are born too soon, they’re simply not ripe yet. Their organs—especially the lungs—aren’t developed. Their immune system isn’t strong enough to fight off infections, they don’t absorb nutrients from food and can’t regulate their body temperature as well as babies just a few weeks or months older, and their immature circulation system can’t always get enough oxygen to the brain. But a new breed of heart-lung machines help babies breathe, and new temperature-regulation systems can cool the baby’s head, which can reduce the damage that would have been caused by oxygen deprivation.
Once it’s okay for you to touch your baby, don’t waste a second. Babies who had daily ten-minute sessions of neck, shoulder, back, and leg massage and five minutes a day of gentle limb flexing grew almost 50 percent more than those who didn’t get the massage—even though calorie intake for the two groups was the same, according to Dr. Tiffany Field, the director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine. Hospital stays were shortened by almost a week, and the bills were correspondingly lower as well. On their first birthdays, formerly premature babies who’d been massaged were bigger and better developed than similarly premature kids who didn’t get massaged. Pretty neat, eh? If you’re interested in trying this, take a look at the instructions on pages 85–88.
FAMILY MATTERS
Coming Home
Boy, has your life changed. You’re still your partner’s lover and friend, just as you were a few weeks ago, but now, of course, you’re also a father. You may be worried about how you’re going to juggle all your various roles, but for the next few days the most important thing you can do is be a solid support person to your partner. Besides her physical recovery (which we’ll talk more about below), she’s going to need time to get to know the baby and to learn how to breastfeed. Your first days as a dad will be awfully busy—mine sure were: cooking, shopping, doing laundry, fixing up the baby’s room, getting the word out, screening phone calls and visitors, and making sure my wife got plenty of rest.
Recovery
As far as the baby is concerned, there’s not much to do in the beginning besides feeding, changing, and admiring her. But your partner is a different story. Despite whatever you’ve heard about women giving birth in the fields and returning to work a few minutes later, that’s not the way things usually happen. Having a baby is a major shock—physically and emotionally—to a woman’s system. And, contrary to popular belief, recovering from a vaginal birth isn’t necessarily any shorter or easier than recovering from a C-section. In fact, a lot of women I’ve spoken with who’ve delivered both ways say that recovering from the C-section is actually easier.
Physically, whatever kind of delivery your partner has, she’ll need some time—probably more than either of you think—to recover fully. Fatigue, breast soreness, and lingering uterine contractions may continue for months, and vaginal discomfort, bleeding, hemorrhoids, poor appetite, constipation, increased perspiration, acne, hand numbness or tingling, dizziness, and hot flashes may continue for weeks after delivery. In addition, between 10 and 40 percent of women feel pain during sexual intercourse (which they won’t get around to for a few months anyway, so don’t even bother thinking about it), have respiratory infections, and lose hair for three to six months.
Emotionally, your partner isn’t much better off. She’s likely to be a little impatient at her lack of mobility, and while she’s undoubtedly relieved that the pregnancy is over and excited to be a mother, she’ll probably experience the “baby blues” and may even suffer from postpartum depression (see pages 62–63). Now that the baby is really here, she may feel a lot of pressure to assume her new role as mother and to breastfeed properly. That’s an awful lot to ask. Fortunately, as she and the baby get to know each other, her confidence will grow, and a lot of her anxieties should disappear. Here are some things you can do to help your partner through the recovery process and to start parenting for both of you off on the right foot:
• Help your partner resist the urge to do too much too soon.
• Take over the household chores, or ask someone else to help. And if the house is a mess, don’t blame each other.
• Be flexible. Expecting to maintain your normal, prefatherhood schedule is a complete fantasy, especially for the first few weeks after the birth.
• Be patient with yourself, your partner, and the baby. You’re all new at this.
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