The Church Weddings Handbook. Gillian Oliver
I thought I was pretty good at weddings before I encountered the Weddings Project.
After all, I had always aimed to establish friendly relations with the couple as soon as I met them, tried to involve them in a serious but informal conversation about marriage and later worked with them to personalise the service. Although I could see that couples were a bit apprehensive and on their best behaviour from day one, I didn’t realise the extent to which they approached their first encounter with a vicar – any vicar – with foreboding. The research which undergirds the Weddings Project has revealed that couples, and especially the men, fear they are on trial and unworthy of the Church’s ministrations. Being friendly towards them is not enough. Something like absolution is needed from the outset, in the name of Jesus who specialised in attracting those people who regarded themselves as unsuitable candidates for his attention.
Like many clergy, I concealed my mild frustration when, in response to my question about the couples’ reason for choosing church over Register Office, the man would be tongue-tied and look to his partner to answer. She would say something theologically inadequate like, ‘it wouldn’t feel the same’ or stutter words about church being traditional. It did not seem a very substantial explanation. We now know that today’s couples have plenty of choice when thinking about a venue for their marriage ceremony and when they come to us, they do so with serious intent, even though they do not have our language in which to express it. Brides-to-be tend to spend hours studying wedding magazines or the TV channels devoted to weddings, or trawling through the internet for ideas. These days more and more of them have come across the Weddings Project (www.yourchurchwedding.org) and have taken heart from its unreserved welcome before knocking on the vicarage door.
Another clerical myth has been dispelled by the Weddings Project research. The beauty of the church building is not the main motive for a church wedding. Once a religious ceremony has been decided upon, the prettiest church may be a factor, but that is not why ‘church’ is preferred to a picturesque castle or five-star hotel. The prime reason is an inner desire to do things properly and to take marriage seriously. It is for us to sense in this a genuine yearning for God’s blessing, not least when enquirers feel themselves to be unqualified or unworthy to utter words like that. Marriage is an ordinance of Creation: it is God’s gift to men and women and not the property of the Church. The couple are themselves the Ministers of the Sacrament. They marry each other. So it might be as well if we clergy were to bite our tongues when about to claim that we ‘married’ so-and-so. We didn’t. They did!
The rehearsal provided an opportunity to get to know the main players, walk them through their parts and relieve their nerves with a bit of leg pulling. On the big day itself I would try to put everyone at ease, and then give the service 100%. The church was my home territory and I had developed ways of welcoming guests and explaining the difference between being a member of a congregation and just being an audience. It never occurred to me that I, too, was a guest in Christ’s Church until Archbishop Sentamu made that clear in an interview for the Weddings Project. In one church in his diocese, four recently married couples have joined the congregation and three have been confirmed. Might that not be because the vicar made them feel as much at home in that church as she herself?
Having said goodbye to everyone after the service, I would walk back through the church, picking up the orders of service which had been left behind, and thinking that I would never see those people again. I was always touched when newly married couples sent me a postcard from honeymoon, but thought no more of it. The Weddings Project put paid to such complacency. Most would have appreciated a follow-up. I had no idea. Among the Project’s system of resources is a method for achieving that without huge effort. In fact, the whole system has been devised and honed to show pre-churched people that we care for them and are honoured that they have chosen to be married in church. Secular wedding venues compete for their custom, with plush brochures and enticing stalls at wedding fairs, but have no further interest once the reception is over. Surely we, the servants of Christ who lavished his generosity on an unsuspecting couple at Cana, are not motivated by profit and can add value to all that.
With that in mind, what about fees? Church Councils in particular may say we do not charge enough. The basic fees (which are fixed by Parliament), before optional add-ons like music, bells and flowers, are a fraction of the sums spent on reception, photographs and carriages. The burden of maintaining church buildings falls on a few and it is tempting to feel a little resentful towards occasional users who have no idea of this responsibility. I have looked at a number of parish church websites which, perhaps for this reason, confuse legal fees with voluntary contributions. Additionally, a few websites have not been updated since the 2008 Marriage Measure became law and are now off-putting as well as inaccurate. Some others do not publish the vicar’s contact details and seem to be written for insiders. Our communications, all of them well meant, may actually be conveying to readers the impression that God is out of reach and that the Church is a members-only institution.
I have visited hundreds of churches and talked with scores of Church Councils. Without exception, all asserted that they welcomed visitors. They meant it and in almost every case I could endorse that because I had been warmly received myself. I now know that the only person who has the authority to say whether a church is welcoming or forbidding is a newcomer. That certainly goes for Sunday services, but even more for the occasional offices attended by hundreds of thousands of visitors every year. Are there hidden trip-wires, unnecessary barriers, which we, without thinking, have put on their way to God?
To be a Christian means to encounter the risen Christ who was crucified, and to respond to the age-old invitation to follow him. That is a tough call: a real obstacle which we must not try to remove, for discipleship has a price attached. What we can do, though, is to ensure that we are not placing unnecessary stumbling blocks in the way of people before they have got that far.
Clergy reading this book will be surprised to discover how important they are. They may also be disconcerted to know that this may require them to devote to couples even more personal time and consideration than has been their practice. Yet here are people, usually not yet church members, who actually want our attention. How often does that happen in the course of a normal week?
The Church of England could be conducting more than double the number of weddings than the 22% we currently achieve. The Archbishops’ Council saw in this an opportunity for church growth and set up the Weddings Project with that aim. If the reactions of clergy who have taken part in its presentations round the country is anything to go by, we are well on the way to our goal. Although I could have done with all this many years ago, it’s thrilling to see this age-old Pastoral Office given new impetus. It really works.
John Barton
Introduction
When Jill and Kevin Peterson married in a Lutheran Church in Minnesota, some of the family couldn’t make it to the wedding. So an uncle took a five-minute video and posted it on You Tube.
If you haven’t seen it yet, search online for Jill and Kevin Wedding and press play.
It became a worldwide internet phenomenon. Friends sent it to friends who sent it to friends. After two years more than 70 million had watched it, and thousands posted goodwill messages or sent cash gifts to the couple’s nominated charity.
What is going on when the world is magnetised by images of a bride arriving in a church on her wedding day?
On national radio a Church of England vicar condemns the spendthrift spirit of our times and its effect on the modern wedding. These are now, he says, ‘too often a glitzy stage set, more concerned with the shoes, the flowers the napkin rings and performing to the cameras’.
Is a wedding nothing but a party for a culture consumed by celebrity, or a hallowed moment yearned for by a spiritually serious generation?
When Steve and Zoe dined one Valentine’s night in Rugby, Steve had arranged for the waiter to bring a red rose with every course. When he proposed, Zoe agreed. They walked home as if on air. Suddenly, a church they had never noticed before seemed to loom up at the side of the road. Neither of them church goers, they went in to ask if they could marry there. They could.