The Church Weddings Handbook. Gillian Oliver
about story, ceremony, depth, rightness, seriousness, appropriateness, gravity and dignity. All words which align with what God brings to a marriage service.
To find out a little more about what ‘proper’ feels like, here’s how one mother of the bride put it when she walked into a church in Worcestershire with her daughter Nicky. What she said was filmed by the BBC for their hit show Don’t Tell The Bride. ‘For me, it’s not about your wedding, this place’, Nicky’s mum said. ‘It’s the essence of the place, the feel of the wood, it’s just a calmness that descends. The true essence of marriage is a promise in the eyes of God to one another. It’s got to be, hasn’t it? It’s got to be in a church.’
Lost in translation
Women are more likely to talk about spirituality by talking about how they feel. I don’t know how many people who come to church where you are say they did so because of the ‘feel of the wood’. But most of us can relate to that phrase of Nicky’s mum’s: the calm that descends, the wonder of promise-making in the sight of God. Because we live in a culture that is losing the language of orthodox Christian belief, other words are being used instead, foundational words about yearning, experience and value. There is a good chance we might not recognise them as God words when we first hear them. These days, some things are lost in translation, and that might mean the moment of seriousness is shrouded with laughter, or it might mean that the words people use can leave us sensing they are not serious, when in fact they are.
Sarah, a beautician from the north of England, is marrying in church in the village where she grew up. She hasn’t been back since she was in the Brownies. So why does she want to marry there? ‘We’ve always wanted to get married in church, because it’s traditional and it means more than just a hotel room. You’ve got God’s blessing if you like’, and she starts to laugh. Laughing in the sense of ‘me, talk about God’s blessing? How ridiculous does that sound?’
A bride from Oxfordshire spoke to our researchers wistfully about this failure to communicate with the vicar on the first meeting. ‘I think he just thought I was some girl that wanted a big white wedding, rather than the fact that it had any sentimental value to it.’ Sentimental value? You or I may be tempted to hear the word ‘sentiment’ over the word ‘value’, but this bride was expressing her seriousness in the only words she had.
So let’s get back to our bride on the other end of your phone. We have established that she is serious about marriage. Even though to her it might mean something different from what it means to you, and sits later in life, she is no less serious about it. She doesn’t have to get married, after all. What can we conclude then about why she is ringing you – why she wants to marry in church? Well, she doesn’t have to choose church. If she just wants a beautiful building there are plenty of those available on the secular wedding scene. So your bride wants to marry in church because she wants God there. And of course that is a very promising place to begin.
Seriousness meets a block
So with all this seriousness in England today, yearning for marriage and desire for God’s blessing, it must be the simplest thing in the world for a bride to pick up the phone to you and ask if you would conduct their wedding for them. Yes?
No.
Researchers discovered that this seriousness meets a big block somewhere. What they found is that brides are unlikely to get to the point of picking up the phone in the first place. So big are the obstacles in their own mind, they are more likely to give up altogether without even trying and go somewhere else instead.
We have to take you to one sofa in England, and to one bride and groom talking about their ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to choosing a church wedding. On the face of it they should be untroubled. They are connected under the law because the bride’s parents married in the church and so can they. The legal right extends now to them just as if they were resident in the parish. So what’s the problem then? The bride spells out the dilemma:
‘Yeah, I’ve always thought I’d get married in a church, but I do feel a bit hypocritical because I’m not particularly religious. My parents got married in the same church we’re getting married in, which is nice for me but it doesn’t sit very easily for me. I think if we both felt the same way as I do then I’d feel very unhappy about getting married in church, which is such a shame because I do want to get married in church … but for the wrong reasons probably.’
It’s impossible to overstate how high the barrier can be in the couple’s own minds because of their felt ‘hypocrisy’. Now of course, into this lack of qualification and fear of rejection the Church of England has good news to bring. Because we are the Church of England the good news, made even better by the Marriage Measure of 2008, is that we marry people, and so there are churches in England for people to marry in. They do not have to be churchgoers, nor baptised, nor anything else.
The feeling among the marrying generation that they are being hypocritical is the number one myth that the Church of England has to explode. Because of this fact, it works less and less well if we in the Church of England just wait for brides to come and knock on the door. The Weddings Project realised that we had to get to couples while they were still yes-ing and no-ing on their sofas. That’s why the website, www.yourchurchwedding.org is listed number one on Google on a search for church weddings, and why the national church is supporting the mushrooming provision of Church stands at wedding shows. It’s all part of a plan to reach a ‘hypocritical’ generation with the good news of unqualified acceptance.
Back to your bride at the end of the phone. How is she? She is serious about marriage and God. But she is inexpert and wordless, feeling hypocritical, disqualified and uneasy. The obstacles she has overcome to pick up the phone and wait until you answer it are great. She is a heroine, a person of extreme courage. And she is about to be the recipient of great news.
The spirit of Marriage Law
You may think you are well versed on the law of England as far as eligibility for a church wedding goes, and the right way to set fees and charges. Even so, you may feel surprised at some of what follows, you may even feel repentant. If you do not feel repentant then you may be required to repent. But if you are well versed in these matters, then what follows will at least reassure you.
The Weddings Project uncovered that even the most seasoned parish priest can be holding on to errors passed down over the years. Some church people can get confused about exactly what is determined by statute and what by local practice. And marriage law does sometimes change. Indeed, it has just undergone something of a revolution. And the law on fees has been under review too. Add to this the fact that most people get engaged at New Year or on Valentine’s Day. Vicars told us that these seasons are more likely to be times when they may not have done a wedding for a while. So, it’s easy to get rusty. On such occasions, it’s always good to know where to start. Let’s start with the spirit of the law:
The Church of England is not a religious club for members. Its sacraments and services are for all the people of England.
In the case of a wedding you will know that this means that any engaged person who has not been married before has a legal right to marry in the church of the parish in which they live. Apart from a couple of very rare exceptions, this basic right is absolute. It is not conditional on their being baptised, on their churchgoing prowess or even on their readiness to say that they are Christian. As long as they are content to make the promises contained in the marriage service and they haven’t already made them to someone else, if they are a parishioner of yours then you are obliged to welcome their wedding.
Now of course, this might mean that people will be marrying in your church while at the same time believing all sorts of mixed up things about Jesus and his divinity, reincarnation, angels, yoga and Sunday shopping. It doesn’t matter. In these matters the law speaks of a Church of England which is big on grace. Even if one or both parties is divorced with a previous partner still living, the General Synod accepts their marriage in church at the vicar’s discretion and has done so since 2002. Clergy make that call in the light of House of Bishops’ advice. Couples with divorce in their story do sometimes write to the Church of England via the website www.yourchurchwedding.org and ask for