Love Dharma. Geri Larkin
I was headed (although I didn’t realize it yet) for a three-year seminary, and he was headed for the Michigan Militia.
He broke up with me.
But he did it with such wisdom that I love him to this day. For the year we were together he was always generous, even to the point of driving me to the temple at four forty-five on some mornings so I could sit with the temple residents. Even as he told me that he knew we weren’t going to work, he said it with such tenderness that it actually took a couple of minutes for his words to sink in. His reasons for the breakup were completely motivated by goodwill. He honestly cared about what was best for both of us. He wasn’t willing to get in my way and, frankly, wasn’t interested in my being worried about his way. He sat with me for what felt like days, waiting for my response, holding me while I cried. The thing is, I knew he was right. Even if it broke my heart.
We still run into each other. Each time it’s like seeing an old friend. To this day I am convinced that we are okay with each other because of the deep, compassion-filled wisdom he demonstrated on my couch that night.
HOLDING ON TO THE FRIENDSHIP
One of the heartbreaks of a broken relationship is that we so often lose a good friend when it is clear that the romantic relationship no longer works. It needn’t be so. When we leave relationships with our hearts clear, friendships can survive. For most of us (hopefully it isn’t just me!) this means giving up anger, greed, and delusion—Buddhism’s three poisons. We have to give up the righteous anger that pretty much always follows having been wronged—even if we were the ones to call it quits. (I’ve never known a woman to be other than righteously angry at the end of a relationship . . . okay, maybe once, but she was a long-term Zen master.) We have to give up wanting something we can no longer have—a sexual relationship, for example. And we have to give up our deluded hope of reconciliation on our own terms. Freed from these three components, we can stay friends.
Beth and Doug Stone have been divorced since 1986. Until his recent death Doug lived in New Hampshire, Beth in greater Los Angeles. “It’s always a shock to people that we’re so close, that Doug and I were still friends and went places together when he was here. He was my ex-husband of sixteen years . . . we talked on the phone once a day at least, if not twice. When I had a problem, I called him. When I had a good thing to tell him, I called him. One night I was playing Trivial Pursuit with a bunch of friends. It must have been three o’clock his time. I didn’t know the answer so I called him. He’d call just to tell me a joke. To chitchat.” 8
Theirs was a partnership—a bond that neither was willing to break—inside or outside of marriage. They visited each other, supported each other, were the best of friends: “There wasn’t any reason to remarry. The fact that I had so much support from Doug, emotionally and financially, helped me become independent vicariously. Going through a divorce and raising a boy on your own you become stronger. You find out how much more you can do on your own. . . . He was my confidant. And vice versa. He always had a level head and was always able to make me think clearer.” 9 The two had managed to create a relationship that both were willing to protect by letting go of the anger, greed, and delusion that corner us if we let them. Unmarried, their partnership was a match even the gods would envy. When Doug died on September 11, a passenger on one of the flights out of Boston that was flown into the World Trade Center, Beth was devastated. What a world it would be if we all felt the same way about our former partners.
There are many benefits related to staying friends with former lovers. First off, even when you think you’re finished with the relationship, you aren’t. There is always unfinished business. Just when you think you have all your own stuff you’ll remember that your favorite pair of shoes is in his closet. It’s easy to ask a friend to drop them off, leave them by the door, or let you run by to get them. And those paychecks you’re waiting for? They don’t get forwarded by someone who wants revenge or is too saddled with guilt to change the address on the envelope. Where children are involved, remaining friends can make the difference between a little therapy and a lifetime of it for them.
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