Silenced and Sidelined. D Lynn D Arnold
verbal when wrestling with difficult issues because, without language, their lack of expression may be perceived as indifference.
When leaders need time to think because they are indecisive or uncertain, this silence can be misinterpreted as a lack of skill or avoidance. When a new leader has just taken over a team and has a personality that leverages a lot of silence, this can be perplexing without explanation. The silence that confuses can cause a great deal of angst for followers when leaders fail to provide language that explains.
In my experience, the silence that confuses causes the most disruption. Leaders have a significant opportunity to leverage language and alleviate any misunderstanding stemming from their silence. They need to explain what might be causing their taciturn posture because it may not be obvious to anyone but them.
Breaking Silence
Just as silence never has only one meaning and categories are fundamental ways to make sense of the variables, there is also the distinction of breaking silence. This is a declarative act and typically results in some type of behavior change as a result of the expression. We are ending whatever silence has been used up to a certain point.
Some things should be discussed, but we choose not to do so, and this unspoken decision often results in what people deem as “breaking” once something is spoken. When we break the silence, we are sharing a secret that up until now has been “unspeakable.” It is the elephant in the room or the lump in the rug. We know it is there, but we do not speak of it. This “breaking” is less about silence and more about breaking a norm of unspoken agreement that something should remain a secret; stay in the dark, out of sight; out of focus, and at some level accepted.
In 2006, Tarana Burke, a civil rights activist, coined the phrase Me Too on the Myspace social network to bring awareness to women of color in underprivileged communities who were experiencing sexual abuse. Fast forward to 2017; the hashtag “MeToo” went viral when elite players in Hollywood and politics came forward to accuse men in power of sexual misconduct. When a woman tweeted or posted a story with #MeToo, they were breaking their silence and sharing their secret of how they were on the receiving end of sexual harassment or abuse. In January 2018, the research firm GfK (Growth from Knowledge) conducted a 2,000-person nationally representative survey on sexual harassment and assault. They concluded that 81 percent of women and 43 percent of men experienced some form of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime. Media picked up on this research and reported that most women and almost half of all men are going to experience some form of sexual misconduct.[6]
As more people come forward and share their experience with this phenomenon, it creates space and safety for others. Once someone breaks the norm and speaks, others are likely to follow. However, how silence is broken is critical. The breaking can lead to, (a) deep and meaningful conversations that shift societal norms of conduct, (b) continued silence that separates, or (c) it can lead to a sense of normalizing the experience. Because it happens to just about everyone—it is a part of life, and the conversation is no longer about shifting norms but adopting behaviors to manage. The language we use when breaking silence around something unspeakable becomes as critical as the decision to speak.
Some may argue that this level of discernment should not be needed to speak. I disagree—especially if you are in a leadership role. Be clear on your intention and your objective before you break the silence. The higher the level of awareness we bring to our secret sharing, the higher the degree of success we will have in shifting conversations and creating change. The secret does not always speak for itself with success.
It is also true that having a secret can cause us to feel silenced. We want to share, and we have definite objectives and sincere hopes for change, but for multiple reasons, we do not think we can express. This leads to the last distinction and the foundation of what this book is about—the silenced. Not every silenced person holds a secret, but what they do carry is a desire to express. They have language, ideas, motivations, and a willingness to speak, lead, and communicate.
The Silenced
Why bother with reviewing the different meanings of silence? Because! Because! Because! Without these distinctions, we cannot truly understand what it means to feel silenced. The silence that connects, the silence that confuses, and the silence that separates are all demonstrated through non-verbal behavior. We are behaving. Whether we are aware of it or not, consciously or unconsciously, we use our bodies, our eyes, and our intuition when we communicate with silence. It is never absent of meaning.
If we accept the notion that silence communicates and silence is never void of meaning, then we also have to agree that we can learn and adopt behaviors that leverage our use of silence. We can use our agency. We can choose how we listen, and we can decide how we use silence. This is what it means to be our own agent. We are at choice.
To feel silenced is different.
To make sense of the silenced female leader and the stories from the women in this book, we have to appreciate what it means to be our own agents of change. When we are at choice, we can see that we have up to eighty different options available to us at any given time. It means I have a choice in how I use language and how I use silence. I can speak, or I can be quiet; I can participate, or I can abstain; I can stay, or I can leave. When women are feeling silenced, they perceive their options as taken away.
Feeling silenced is a way of showing up in life. It is not always about behavior or choice. Instead, the person’s way of being in the world shifts. In academia, we use the word “ontology,” which means the nature of being. When a woman in leadership feels silenced, her way of being changes. The movement is slow and subtle, but eventually, she will become aware of it and wonder, Who have I become? How did I get so far off track? How do I become me again?
I eye the basket of toys on her shelf and consider reaching for one as I wait. As a researcher, I have become more comfortable with the awkward starts and stops as executive women try to explain to me what it is like for them to feel silenced and how they manage not being a silencer of others. On this particular spring day in May 2016, the silence is so pregnant with meaning that I hold the heavy quiet until she leans forward and speaks to me again.
“None of us are whole or perfect. We all carry these damn invisible backpacks!”
She shifts between animation and reflection as she describes what it means to have power as a leader but feels powerless while still having a title. “Power is real, and we don’t all have it. And we don’t all have it consistently. We have to think purposefully about when we silence, in particular, women. We have to think about how that harms.”
1.
Richard L. Johannesen, “The Functions of Silence: A Plea for Communication Research,” Western Journal of Communication, 38, no. 1, (1974): 25–35.
2.
Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989).
3.
Laura Whitworth, Co-Active Coaching: New Skills for Coaching People toward Success in Work and Life, second ed. (Mountain View, CA: Davies-Black Pub., 2007).
4.
The Enneagram can be seen as a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number on the Enneagram denoting one type. It is common to find a little of yourself in all nine types, although one of them should stand out as being closest to yourself. “The Peacemaker Enneagram Type 9,” Enneagram Institute, Accessed March 2, 2018 from: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9/.
5.
Paul Schrodt, PhD, professor of communication studies, conducted a meta-analysis involving more than 14,000 participants. His findings revealed the silent treatment is tremendously damaging. It