Sex Rules!. Janice Z. Brodman
is to be a “good giver.” They share everything with one another—food, houses, chores, childcare, spouses. Skilled and savvy hunters and foragers, the Aché have roamed thousands of acres of forest over the centuries, from the spectacular Guairá waterfalls, south along the Cordillera de San Rafael mountains and the Paraná River. Wherever they go, they make sure that everyone gets a share of the meal. Afterwards, the women make sure that all the men they like get a piece of the pie.
That doesn’t mean Aché women don’t believe in marriage—they do! Lots of marriages! Women choose their own husbands, and most Aché women have had at least a dozen marriages, with short romances sprinkled along the way.
Think that makes it tough to figure out baby’s dad? No problem! The Aché believe every baby is a mix of all the lovers mom chose just before and during her pregnancy. Babies are, after all, developed by the application of lots of semen while mom is pregnant. The result: all kids have several fathers—the man she had sex with just before pregnancy, the man she thinks is responsible for getting her pregnant, any men who donated food while she was pregnant, and her husband.
So no one worries if mom disappears for a week. She’ll be home soon…with another dad!
Aché OF PARAGUAY
“Position open. Experience preferred...”
Amidst the glorious peaks of Tibet, the highest region in the world, men have had strong feelings about marrying virgins.
Don’t!
Would you want a doctor or carpenter with no hands-on experience? Nah. Same with sex. When it comes to marriage, who wants a novice? Face it, virgins are worthless in bed. They often don’t have orgasms and sometimes suffer pain. No one needs that kind of hassle for something that should be so easy and enjoyable.
Besides, an attractive woman with a pleasant personality would surely have had a few lovers by the time she’s ready to marry. Virginity is a glaring warning sign, “Beware! There’s something wrong with her.” If you absolutely must make love to a virgin, at least don’t marry her. Be smart and wait until she’s had a little practice.
TIBET AUTONOMOUS REGION OF CHINA
You may kiss the brides…
The Oneida Perfectionists, a Christian sect founded in 1848, figured marriage is just an excuse for jealousy and possessiveness—two singularly unattractive personality traits. The solution? Simply declare everyone in the community “married” to everyone else. Women picked a desirable partner for the night (or the moment). Same with men.
No ageism in this crowd. Every older woman—ideally after menopause—took on the tough job of introducing teenage guys to sex. She was always such a skilled teacher that her student got a taste of heaven, and she became his religious role model.
Must be all that practice.
No slouches, elderly men were always willing to step up and do their duty teaching late-teen gals.
The founder of the Oneida community, John Noyes, also introduced stirpiculture, selective breeding. Sure, all adults could have sex with all other adults. But only some of that bumping and grinding should produce offspring. If you wanted kids, you had to apply for the privilege. If you had spiritual superiority, Noyes and his committee matched you with the right breeding partner. Magically, Noyes himself passed the test so often he fathered 20 percent of the kids born in the community.
Alas, this utopia didn’t last. Noyes absconded to Canada to avoid arrest in New York. The other members peeled away over time. But the Oneida community didn’t die; it just faded into a corporation, Oneida Silverware, still one of the world’s largest silverware manufacturers.
Oneida Community of New York, USA
DATE NIGHT… NOT!
It wasn’t so long ago that dating was forbidden virtually everywhere. Ah, how times have changed…or not.
Forget Sadie Hawkins Day if you live in Dyersburg, Tennessee. It’s illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
The legislators of Little Rock, Arkansas, are dedicated to protecting people from flirts. It’s illegal for men or women to stare, wink, cough or whistle at anyone of the opposite sex or to flirt in any way on the street.
In Michigan, the legislature figures a divorced woman should understand men’s tricky ways. But they have to protect unmarried women, who are much more gullible. The solution: any guy who seduces or corrupts an unmarried woman can spend the next five years contemplating his folly in prison.
Iran makes dating a bit tougher. It’s illegal for men and women to date, or even to shake hands. Not to despair. There are freedom-fighters in Iran who argue it should be okay to shake hands with gloves on.
Junk Match.com!
Hot for a guy who’s oblivious to your charms? The Nenet women of Siberia can help! In the frozen tundra, Nenet women have adapted skillfully to the harsh environment. They make clothes that protect from -40oF winters, slit open reindeer so everyone can gobble raw liver, kidney, lungs, and heart, and can pack up the whole household tent in a flash, even in a blizzard.
Nenet woman standing before her tent
Every Nenet woman is also savvy about snaring a reluctant lover. She easily imposes complete and total control over him. She can even use magical commands to rule his every thought and action.
How does she seize this bewitching power? Easy! She simply steps over any possession he has left on the ground—and he’s her pawn for life.
That’ll teach him to pick up his socks.
NENETs OF SIBERIA, Russia
Obey your elders!
Better yet, take them to bed, say the Apanyekrá-Canela of Brazil. The Canela villages of the savanna, with tropical forests and streams, are rich in fish and game. The sex lives of young Canela men are just as rich. All young men in their mid-to-late teens get initiated into sex by “experienced” young women. After that first delight, every young man spends several years in training, having sex only with women at least thirty years older than he is.
The Canela say sex between young people—even married couples—is unhealthy. Horny young guys should get it on with women in their late forties or fifties. Sex with older women will make him strong and courageous, while sex with a younger woman—even his wife—will make him weak and nervous.
Any man who strays and has sex with a young woman is shamed and hazed before the whole village. He has to walk down a line of dancing women, all laughing and teasing him.
And for you horny young gals? Patience, honey. Best wait until you’re older. On the other hand, if you do break the rules, everyone will pretty much ignore it.
While a guy gets educated by the Golden Girls, his parents choose a fiancée for him. As soon as she’s old enough to have sex with him, the two decide whether to get married or split up. If she likes him, her family buys him from his family with a large meat pie. The meat pie seals the deal. Afterwards, if he wants out, his family must pay her family a heavy fine. But if she wants out, it’s just sayonara, baby.
Made a mistake and now stuck in a sorry marriage? Either spouse can easily initiate divorce—as long as they have no kids.
Once